He knew Diane wanted him to speak in present tense but it was too terrifying. Until he could figure out what was scaring him so much, he had to keep it in the past.
“We were making love but it was…” He trailed off as the images on the wall grew brighter, more vivid, dripping sweat and giving off a faint scent of sex and perfume. Desire, thick like syrup, caramel sweet and rich. The bumps of Daisy’s spine and the muscles along them rippling as he thrust into her from behind, slow and sure and strong. Something almost narcissistic about it—admiring himself in his prime. All cut arms and abs, bursting with health and stamina. He was young, rock hard and raring, carefree and reckless. He could fuck her all night, she only had to ask. And she did. She begged for it.
“I had her down on the bed. I was behind her and I was just holding her down and fucking her. Sorry,” he said.
“There’s no shame there. When you’ve established that kind of trust and intimacy, sex wears all kinds of faces.”
The movie on the wall, which had been silent, now offered up a soundtrack of memory as well. “She was saying…things. Like you fuck me so good and… I can’t believe I’m telling you this.”
“It’s not about me,” she murmured. “Go on.”
“It made me feel incredible, like I really dialed into what it felt like to be a man. I was down at some elemental level of being…”
“Male.”
He nodded, lost and transfixed in the remembering. “I was making her come. Getting her off, one after the other. She kept begging and I kept going and we just fed on each other. And at one point she put her hands behind her back and I held onto them. She just gave herself over to me.”
“It sounds intense.”
“I can’t believe I forgot this.”
“You didn’t forget.”
“God, I had her in my hands. Had her right where I wanted her and I wanted to make her scream the house down.”
“You were very much in love with her.”
“Yes.”
“You trusted each other. You were utterly free to say whatever you wanted and be whatever you wanted. You could be loving and sweet, or you could be primal and savage. You could make love or you could fuck, it was all the same thing.”
A stream of tears on his cheek then. He hadn’t even realized his eyes had welled up. “I never knew anything like it in my life.”
“And there seemed to be no end to it.”
“Nothing to stop it.”
“And when you were in the lighting booth the next day,” Diane said.
He turned his head from the wall. “She was in there with me,” he said. “She was sitting in my lap and we were talking about it. Talking about the night before. And we were laughing and rehashing it and sort of blushing. This coy bit of I can’t believe the shit I was saying, but we were laughing. Teasing each other. And God, I couldn’t wait to get her alone again. Get my hands on her again. Usually she was the practical one. Nothing ever swayed her from class or rehearsal. But she was sitting in my lap and she was all in my eyes. She said, I just want to ditch this place and go back to bed with you. But Marie called her and she had to go. And she…” He squeezed himself tight, his ice-cold, shaking hands in fists, all of him shaking, looking for a place to flee.
“Let it out, Erik.”
“She kissed me one more time and she walked down the aisle. But she turned back and looked at me. And waved. And that moment right there—everything was amazing. She pointed at me and she was smiling at me. Everything was perfect. I was so happy. I swear it’s the last time in my life I remember being completely and totally happy.”
“You were connected to her,” Diane said. “With every cell of your body.”
“It was like I was still inside her.”
“And you were still connected to the night before, yes. The current of sexuality was still live. It was still crackling.”
“Yes.”