When I get up to the bedroom he’s holding her, pacing back and forth, his face still pink and crumpled from the pillow.
‘Sorry,’ he says, stifling a yawn. ‘I tried to calm her down but she wasn’t having any of it. You know what she’s like when she’s hungry.’
I crawl onto the bed and scoot backwards into the pillows until I’m sitting against the headboard and Owen hands me a red-faced indignant Freya who takes one affronted look up at me, and then lunges for my breast with a little grunt of satisfaction.
All is quiet, except for her greedy suckling. Owen yawns again, ruffles his hair, and looks at the clock, and then begins pulling on his underwear.
‘Are you getting up?’ I ask in surprise. He nods.
‘I might as well. No point in going back to sleep when I’ve got to get up at seven anyway. Bloody Mondays.’
I look at the clock. Six a.m. It’s later than I thought. I must have been pacing the kitchen for longer than I realised.
‘What were you doing up, anyway?’ he asks. ‘Did the bin lorry wake you?’
I shake my head.
‘No, I just couldn’t sleep.’
A lie. I’d almost forgotten how they feel on my tongue, slick and sickening. I feel the hard, warm bump of my phone in my dressing-gown pocket. I’m waiting for it to vibrate.
‘Fair enough.’ He suppresses another yawn and buttons up his shirt. ‘Want a coffee, if I put one on?’
‘Yeah, sure,’ I say. Then, just as he’s leaving the room, ‘Owen –’
But he’s already gone and he doesn’t hear me.
Ten minutes later he comes back with the coffee, and this time I’ve had time to practise my lines, work out what I’m going to say, and the semi-casual way I’m going to say it. Still I swallow and lick my lips, dry-mouthed with nerves.
‘Owen, I got a text from Kate yesterday.’
‘Kate from work?’ He puts the coffee down with a little bump; it slops slightly and I use the sleeve of my dressing gown to mop the puddle, protecting my book, giving me time to reply.
‘No, Kate Atagon. You know, I went to school with her?’
‘Oh, that Kate. The one who brought her dog to that wedding we went to?’
‘That’s right. Shadow.’
I think of him. Shadow – a white German shepherd with a black muzzle and soot-speckled back. I think of the way he stands in the doorway, growls at strangers, rolls his snowy belly up to those he loves.
‘So …?’ Owen prods, and I realise I’ve stopped talking, lost my thread.
‘Oh, right. So, she’s invited me to come and stay, and I thought I might go.’
‘Sounds like a nice idea. When would you go?’
‘Like … now. She’s invited me now.’
‘And Freya?’
‘I’d take her.’
Of course, I nearly add, but I don’t. Freya has never taken a bottle, in spite of a lot of trying on my part, and Owen’s. The one night I went out for a party she screamed solidly from 7.30 p.m. to 11.58 when I burst through the doors of the flat to snatch her out of Owen’s limp, exhausted arms.
There’s another silence. Freya leans her head back, watching me with a small frown, and then gives a quiet belch and returns to the serious business of getting fed. I can see thoughts flitting across Owen’s face … that he’ll miss us … that he’ll have the bed all to himself … lie-ins …
‘I could get on with decorating the nursery,’ he says at last. I nod, although this is the continuation of a long discussion between the two of us – Owen would like the bedroom, and me, back to himself and thinks that Freya will be going into her own room at six months. I … don’t. Which is partly why I’ve not found the time to clear the guest room of all our clutter and repaint it in baby-friendly colours.
‘Sure,’ I say.
‘Well, go for it, I reckon,’ Owen says at last. He turns away and begins sorting through his ties. ‘Do you want the car?’ he asks over his shoulder.
‘No, it’s fine. I’ll take the train. Kate will pick me up from the station.’
‘Are you sure? You won’t want to be lugging all Freya’s stuff on the train, will you? Is this straight?’
‘What?’ For a minute I’m not sure what he’s on about, and then I realise – the tie. ‘Oh, yes, it’s straight. No, honestly, I’m happy to take the train. It’ll be easier, I can feed Freya if she wakes up. I’ll just put all her stuff in the bottom of the pram.’ He doesn’t respond, and I realise he’s already running through the day ahead, ticking things off a mental check list just as I used to do a few months ago – only it feels like a different life. ‘OK, well, look, I might leave today if that’s all right with you.’
‘Today?’ He scoops his change off the chest of drawers and puts it in his pocket, and then comes over to kiss me goodbye on the top of my head. ‘What’s the hurry?’
‘No hurry,’ I lie. I feel my cheeks flush. I hate lying. It used to be fun – until I didn’t have a choice. I don’t think about it much now, perhaps because I’ve been doing it for so long, but it’s always there, in the background, like a tooth that always aches, and suddenly twinges with pain.
Most of all, though, I hate lying to Owen. Somehow I always managed to keep him out of the web, and now he’s being drawn in. I think of Kate’s text, sitting there on my phone, and it feels as if poison is leaching out of it, into the room – threatening to spoil everything.
‘It’s just Kate’s between projects, so it’s a good time for her and … well, I’ll be back at work in a few months so it feels like now’s as good a time as any.’
‘OK,’ he says, bemused but not suspicious. ‘Well, I guess I’d better give you a proper goodbye kiss then.’
He kisses me, properly, deeply, making me remember why I love him, why I hate deceiving him. Then he pulls away and kisses Freya. She swivels her eyes sideways to regard him dubiously, pausing in her feed for a moment, and then she resumes sucking with the single-minded determination that I love about her.
‘Love you too, little vampire,’ Owen says affectionately. Then, to me, ‘How long is the journey?’
‘Four hours maybe? Depends how the connections go.’
‘OK, well, have a great time, and text me when you get there. How long do you think you’ll stay?’
‘A few days?’ I hazard. ‘I’ll be back before the weekend.’ Another lie. I don’t know. I have no idea. As long as Kate needs me. ‘I’ll see when I get there.’
‘OK,’ he says again. ‘Love you.’
‘I love you too.’ And at last, that’s something I can tell the truth about.
I CAN REMEMBER to the day, almost to the hour and minute, the first time I met Kate. It was September. I was catching the train to Salten, an early one, so that I would arrive at the school in time for lunch.
‘Excuse me!’ I called nervously up the station platform, my voice reedy with anxiety. The girl ahead of me turned round. She was very tall and extremely beautiful, with a long, slightly haughty face like a Modigliani painting. Her waist-length black hair had been bleached gold at the tips, fading into the black, and her jeans were ripped across the thighs.
‘Yes?’