“I’d like to know your opinion.”
“This can’t go anywhere else, Nate.” If it went to Sean, that was fine—she’d already talked to Sean about it. He’d helped her come to terms with the guilt she’d been harboring over the last few months.
“Lucy, you can trust me. You know that, right? Have I done anything to make you think you can’t?”
“No, of course not.” Except that you’re Sean’s confidant. “Family is the most important thing to Juan.”
“That’s not a big secret.”
“It’s so important that if he thinks they’re threatened in any way, he will do anything to minimize the threat.”
Nate didn’t say anything.
“I’m the threat,” Lucy said.
“That is ridiculous,” Nate said. When Lucy didn’t respond, he added, “You can’t believe that.”
“Juan said as much to me. When I wanted to visit Nita and the kids after the baby—after Nita started to feel better—he said no. He made it more than clear that I’m not welcome there, Nate. When I first came to San Antonio, Juan treated me like family. Sean and I went to his house for dinner nearly every week. We enjoyed it. His family reminded me of my family growing up. The noise. The food. The games. It was exactly what I needed to feel like San Antonio was truly my home. And I love Juan’s kids. Sean is so good with kids, they all loved him.”
Her stomach twisted in a knot. Sean was great with kids. And now he had one.
“And I lied to Juan, and Juan knows it. And because of what I did during Operation Heatwave, I brought a cartel battle to Juan’s doorstep. Them and us. And people died and were hurt and I know Barry Crawford isn’t going to come back, even when he’s regained his strength. I’m not naive enough to think that I wasn’t one of the targets. It was because of choices I made.”
“You were doing your damn job, Lucy.”
“Yes, I was, but I went beyond the job, and you know that. And while on the one hand, I’ve come to terms with what I’ve done and I’m willing to accept the consequences, on the other, I recognize there were many more consequences to other people that I didn’t even consider at the time. I’m dangerous, and I always will be. Nate, you of all people should understand that. I could have separated myself from Jack and Kane’s lives fairly easily. Not gone into law enforcement. I could have turned my back on Brad when he was kidnapped by the cartel and never turned the wrath of their anger against the FBI and the DEA. But I became a cop. And I didn’t separate myself. And I know, deep down, that I would do it again. Right or wrong, if I was faced with the option of breaking international law and saving a fellow cop or turning my back and knowing he would die, I would break the law. Juan knows, and he can’t live with it. So it’s either I leave, or he does. And I’m selfish. I want this job. I’m good at this job. I don’t want to leave. And I hate that Juan doesn’t think he or his family is safe around me.”
Nate didn’t say anything for a long time. So long, she wondered what he really thought of the situation. Then he said, “Eight years ago Cook had a case with another agent—I don’t know his name, he transferred before I got here—investigating a serial killer. Sounds cliché, but it was rather a standard serial killer. Teenage girls, kidnapped, raped, murdered. There was a profile, I don’t know the details. Cook had two daughters, was going through a divorce, and she personalized the case. Almost had a nervous breakdown. Our office didn’t catch the guy—he was arrested in Arizona. But Cook blames herself because she missed something, and three more girls died after that mistake.”
“Did she miss something?”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t here, I heard this from Leo Proctor over drinks one night when I first got here.”
“Why didn’t she leave?”
“I think Juan sympathized with her. Thought if he gave her some desk time, it would get better. But he never sent her back into the field, over and above basic background checks and paperwork. She’s essentially an analyst.”
“We have the smallest squad in the office and the highest active caseload.” While Lucy had some sympathy for Cook, for eight years the other seven agents had been picking up her slack. “She could have done a lateral move over to analyst, or changed squads. Juan could have made that happen.”
“She has friends in high places. I think her daughter is best friends with the SAC’s daughter. College roommates or something. So Armstrong walked into the hornets’ nest when he didn’t follow Juan’s directives.” He paused. “Sean said you and Armstrong have been friends since DC, that he trained you or something.”
“Yes,” she said, thinking. “You know, this explains a lot.”
“About?”
“Juan. And me. And everything. Juan is a good boss. He wants his team to be happy, to be healthy, to do the job. Crossing t’s and dotting i’s. He doesn’t understand people like me.”