No.
It’s insane. Even just the idea is a betrayal of J, of our friendship. I don’t believe it. There’s no way in the universe that J – my lovely, sweet, considerate J – would ever, ever do anything like this. He would never hurt me.
Would he?
I go back and check every single message the transmitter has picked up in the last year, lining them up on my map until the evidence is undeniable. They all come from The Eternity.
I stand up and start pacing the room again. How can I process what I’ve discovered in a way that makes sense?
Abruptly, I return to the computer. I add Molly’s emails to the map, just to double-check that this isn’t some weird problem with the transmission data. Her old messages are all sourced as coming from Earth, just as they should be. This isn’t a strange quirk of the technology.
I keep adding messages, trying to find the moment the error began. Finally, I add the most recent messages from Molly, when she told me that a war was starting on Earth, so she wouldn’t be able to talk to me for a while.
They came from The Eternity.
I redo my work to make sure I haven’t made a mistake, but it’s correct. Molly’s final messages came from The Eternity, not from Earth.
Those last few messages from her, telling me about NASA’s communication problems and the war – they were emails, I realize in horror. Not her normal audio messages. I never heard her voice – her actual voice – say anything about the war. Only the emails did. The ones from The Eternity.
Was there ever even a war at all? Was the whole thing made up? Is the UPR even real? Or is it—
Is it fake?
I try to swallow. My mouth tastes of the iron-rich rush of blood. Maybe there’s someone else on The Eternity sending these messages to me. It can’t be him. It’s not in J’s nature to lie. Is it?
My brain can’t keep up with all of the new discoveries. I’m shaking. I look over my shoulder, half-expecting to see J there, staring at me.
I feel like someone’s torn out my heart. There’s a pounding, throbbing roar in my ears.
J did this. He invented everything. The political disputes. The communication problems. The war. The UPR.
Even as I think it, I don’t believe it. There’s no way that it was J. It’s impossible.
But someone made it up. Someone has been lying to me. Someone on The Eternity. And – however much I wish it wasn’t the case – that means it can only be him.
I curl up in my bunk, staring at the walls of my silent, helpless ship and trying not to sink into another panic attack.
This isn’t right. Someone so lovely couldn’t possibly have such horrible motives. Not my J: kind and tender.
Could they? Could he really be anything but my lovely J?
It’s not true.
I can’t let it be true.
My heart is fighting against my brain. I still don’t believe that this is possible. I must have made a mistake.
I scour the data, reprocessing the raw binary code and checking it by hand to make sure there isn’t a translation error.
I don’t find anything.
If the UPR is made up, that means that all of their messages – their instructions about how to preserve power, fix the malfunctioning equipment and make the ship more efficient – are actually from J.
Why would he do that? Why would he bother to invent a war and a new government like the UPR and then just use them to help me make The Infinity better? He could have told me what to do himself, without using the UPR at all. It doesn’t make any sense. Unless…
Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
The program. The new operating system – the one the UPR sent me. The power cuts only started after the new software was installed. The UPR were the ones who told me there was even a problem with my ship at all.
If it was actually from J … what did he do to it?
Why would he want to update my software? Did he add any subroutines to the new version?
Were there ever any real problems? Or did J manipulate that? All those times when the ship failed, when the lights and heating system turned off. Was that on purpose, to torment me?
It’s possible there was never an energy problem. It could all have been faked. If so, he stopped me from showering, from using the lights. I can’t even imagine what kind of person would ever want to do that to another human being. It’s torture. Physical and psychological torture.
Unable to breathe properly around my fear, I search for a way to remove the software from the computer, to return it to the old version. But it’s gone. It was deleted months ago to make room for the new OS.
I’m stuck with J’s program running my ship. Does he have access to it? He might be able to see everything I’m doing. Is he watching me, right at this moment?
I go into the software’s settings and try to deactivate it. I’ve wasted so much time following his stupid, pointless rules. I can’t let him control me. Not any more.
The most I can do is limit the OS’s permissions to make sure it doesn’t do anything dangerous, like shut down the life-support systems. I can’t stop it from causing power cuts. Every single time the lights flicker out, it will remind me of how stupid I was to fall for his lies. Romy the Gullible.
At lunchtime, I hear the ding of the arrival of two new emails. It takes me over an hour to summon the courage to read them. I brace myself, trying to convince my brain that I don’t feel scared any more, that this isn’t affecting me. It’s only words, after all. I should be able to handle that. If I were strong enough, this would all slide off me.
The worst thing is that I know if J says something gentle and sweet and tender, I won’t be able to stop my heart jumping, even when I know the evil behind it. I still want him. I hate myself for it.
I swallow back a reflux of acid and open the first message.
From: UPR Sent: 05/03/2066
To: The Infinity Received: 06/12/2067
Subject: For Attention of The Infinity
Commander Silvers,
In order to adhere to efficiency rulings, we request that the ambient temperature of The Infinity should be lowered an additional two degrees centigrade, from 23°C to 21°C, to conserve energy.
This may cause some discomfort while your body acclimatizes, but please wear more clothing in the meantime.
All hail the UPR! May the King live long and vigorously!
From: The Eternity Sent: 06/12/2067
To: The Infinity Received: 06/12/2067
Romy,
It was so nice talking to you yesterday. I’m looking forward to speaking to you again tonight.
I want to hear more about the UPR. It’s really worrying me that you’re suffering when I can’t do anything to help. I hate the thought of them upsetting you. You’re stronger than you realize. I believe in you, Romy Silvers.
J xxx