I realized today that I’m in mourning for Earth.
I don’t think it’s homesickness any more, because the Earth I was homesick for only exists in my memory. If I went back now, everything would be different. My old home would be unrecognizable.
I don’t feel sad about the UPR, I just feel numb. Well, that’s not entirely true. I feel angry – and frustrated, the same as I felt after my parents died. Back then, I couldn’t focus on anything beyond this wild fury, which made me want to do anything it took to right the wrong of their deaths.
How do you react to grief, Romy? How did you react after your parents died? How did they feel after the deaths of the rest of the crew? Did they feel guilty? Did it consume them? Or did they carry on with life as normal?
J x
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
259
From: The Infinity Sent: 11/06/2067
To: The Eternity Predicted date of receipt: 15/08/2067
J,
Firstly, I’m sorry this reply is a couple of days late. It took me a while to write it. I wanted to get it exactly right.
Your reaction seems completely understandable to me. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. Anger is just one of the different stages.
After my parents died, I didn’t feel sad either – or in denial, or any of the other things you’re supposed to feel. I just felt scared. I was too busy trying to work out how to survive each day to take the time to actually grieve. I think I was in shock.
I knew we were isolated out here, but I didn’t mind it so much when I had my dad to look after me.
He did everything. He cooked and cleaned and maintained the ship; he educated me and hugged me and loved me and read me bedtime stories. He was my best friend – my only friend. And then all of a sudden, he was gone.
For the first time, I had to do everything he’d done for me by myself. I couldn’t accept that I was responsible for it all. Like I told you before, I even tried to turn the ship around.
I curled up in bed and only moved when my bladder hurt so much that I had to use the bathroom, or I had to eat. I didn’t even let myself sleep, because whenever I fell asleep I had these awful nightmares where I relived everything that had happened. I just watched Loch & Ness over and over.
I was so terrified of my nightmares that I used to pile every piece of furniture that wasn’t screwed down in front of my bedroom door. I wasn’t taking any chances of someone getting in. I was scared of being alone and scared of not being alone, all at once.
That was my whole life, for over two years, until Molly started talking to me and rescued me from myself.
So trust me, however you react to grief, you’re doing a better job than me.
My parents are another example of how everyone reacts differently. After the crew died, they were both so upset. I was only young, but I picked up on that – I still have nightmares about the astronauts all the time.
I think it helped my dad that he had to put on a happy face for four-year-old me. He kept up the routine of day-to-day life for my sake. He didn’t lose himself in heartache.
But my mother – she didn’t go through the stages of grief like he did, and like you’re doing. She shut down completely. For the first year, Dad thought that she would get better. But she never did. She got worse.
She stopped speaking to us completely. Then she refused to be in the same room as us. She couldn’t so much as look at me. I wish I knew what I did to deserve that. Even now, I feel guilty for whatever I did wrong.
I wasn’t scared of her when she was like that. I was just desperate for her attention. I loved her so much. I used to beg her to play with me, to notice me. I used to bring her pictures of animals and plants that I’d copied out for her embroideries, or biscuits and cakes I’d attempted to bake. None of it worked.
My dad tried to help. He loved her more than anyone – more than me. He spent years trying everything he could to help her cope with the trauma she’d internalized. He didn’t stop trying, not until it was too late. Not until they died because of it.
Just remember, J, you’re coping with everything the best way you can, and that’s all that matters. Don’t ever think you aren’t strong.
The UPR makes me feel numb too.
R x
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
254
From: UPR Sent: 30/09/2065
To: The Infinity Received: 16/06/2067
Subject: For Attention of The Infinity
Commander Silvers,
To reiterate our last message, if you have not already done so, please transfer all systems data to Earth for further study. It is of utmost importance we receive this data, as no vessel analytics were picked up by the UPR or NASA during the war.
New data will help us to perform mission analysis and suggest improvements to the operating conditions of The Infinity. We also wish to ensure that the background level of radiations and electromagnetic energy are not damaging to health.
Thank you for your cooperation. More instructions for further improvements to arrive in the coming weeks.
All hail the UPR! May the King live long and vigorously!
I had hoped the UPR’s last request for information was a casual request, but it wasn’t. They’re going to keep asking me, over and over, until I break down and agree. They’re going to try and interfere with every aspect of my mission. I always knew the people on Earth didn’t trust me to do this by myself.
It’s not right, what they’re doing. They can’t take over at the last minute and change everything! I fire off an angry reply, unable to hold my tongue any longer.
I watch the email transmit. Each byte of data explodes inside my chest, spreading painfully through me.
From: The Infinity Sent: 16/06/2067
To: UPR Predicted date of receipt: 07/03/2069
Dear Sir/Madam,
I appreciate your attempts to form a peaceful collaboration between the UPR and The Infinity. However, I regret to inform you that I am unable to cooperate with your requests at this time.
I do not feel comfortable sending you any information about my ship until I know more about the circumstances involved in your takeover of NASA. The details of the events of the Third Global War in your first message were a little sparse. Could you expand on the situation?
I would also like to know whether an employee of NASA called Dr Molly Simmons is still working on my mission, after NASA’s management changed hands. Did she become a UPR citizen after the UPR took over North America? I would be very grateful if you could tell me anything you know about her current whereabouts and status.
Regards,
Commander Romy Silvers
DAYS UNTIL THE ETERNITY ARRIVES:
253
From: The Eternity Sent: 09/06/2066
To: The Infinity Received: 17/06/2067
Romy,