“What does that have to do with your staying at the condo?” he asked, pouring himself another glass of milk as we sat companionably at the kitchen table.
“Nothing, actually.” I got up to slide leftover apple pie from the refrigerator and slice us each a piece. “Ice cream?” I offered.
“No, but warm mine up, if you would,” he requested and I popped them both into the micro for a minute.
“You know what?” I spoke up. “Actually, it does have something to do with the condo. In fact, quite a bit.”
“How do you mean?”
“Okay, hear me out on this, promise?” He nodded and I continued, “Just so you know, this isn’t exactly spur of the moment type of thinking. I’ve changed since I moved out.”
“Yes, I noticed,” he agreed. “I might say you’ve changed for the better. You seem so much happier.”
“Exactly. Worth, you and I were raised in families that never lacked for anything. In fact, I would say in the case of your father, money even corrupted him. Certainly money and position made my mother give up Linc, and we both know how that worked out. Your father did things to protect his money and reputation. Things that were far worse than his reputation had been up to that point. While I’ve been living on my own, I’ve had a lot of time to think about this. When I come down to it, money and power and reputation; these have all been the sources of unhappiness in my life, in one sense or another. Yet, the two things that mean the most to me, Ford and you, were also a victim and therefore, we’re perpetuating the underlying problems while trying to dress up the top.”
“I think I see where you’re going, Auggie,” he agreed.
“Well, think about it. Our son is at a military school right now, instead of home here where he belongs, because you and I cannot do anything but shove money and position at his problem. That’s not right and we’re actually audacious enough to think we can fix someone else’s problem with their child by doing the very same thing — throwing money at it.”
Worth nodded for me to continue.
“While I was living in the condo, granted it still has five bedrooms, but the point is that I used some of them for other purposes. I adapted to the space I had for my needs. You know what? I realized that I spent the majority of my time on my bed, on the sofa, and in the kitchen. I didn’t need those other rooms. I didn’t need the wardrobe because I was most comfortable in jeans and a shirt. In fact, I began to feel guilty for not wearing the clothes I’d bought — almost as if I owed it to them to be worn. I made dates with my girlfriends, just so I’d have an excuse to wear them. How sick is that?”
Worth sort of shook his head in a daze and I could see in his eyes that he was deep in thought.
“You know what? When I was in jeans, I was myself. When I laid on the bed and watched television, I was myself. I wasn’t pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I could be honest with myself. My thinking pattern wasn’t reliant upon your approval, or that of my girlfriends, my father or anyone. I only had to approve it myself. Do you see where I’m going with this?”
“I believe I see where you’re headed. Keep talking, Auggie.”
“So, when you ask me to move back in here, it has nothing to do with you. I love you and always want to be with you,” I pointed out and he breathed a sigh of relief. “I know, I know… you were taking it as rejection. It wasn’t about you; it was about me — the real me, inside. The me who didn’t have to outwit my mother, or be seen with the right friends or graduate from the right school. It was the me who wanted to be a woman. To have original ideas and imagination.”
“I could tell that the night you asked me to meet you at the Hilton, honey. You were a completely different woman from the one I’d parted from. I loved the new you — and still see you blossoming.”
“Exactly. The old Auggie would never have been so bold, so adventurous and made those moves on you. The new Auggie is me. I can’t fake this; I wouldn’t know how. I don’t have anyone as a role model but my own inner persuasions. So, you see, to move back here to the estate means to move back to that old way of thinking. The selfishness, the sanctimonious judgments of others. The value system based on corrupting materialism. That’s what I don’t want to come back to, Worth. I’m sad about Ford because I don’t know how to fix him. Why don’t I? Because I’ve raised him the same way I was raised.”
He opened his mouth to interrupt me, but I plowed on. “Oh, I’d like to think I haven’t. I tell myself all the time that I’m nothing like my mother. But that’s bullshit. I’m exactly like my mother. I can’t help but be anything else. You’re just like your father for the same reason. It’s in our genes.”
Worth was letting me talk, but I knew he was getting as much from it as I was. “So, we’ve been identifying in our parents what we don’t like in general, and then trying to cover it up with some of the same devices they used. We think we’re different, better… and the scary thing is, they probably thought the same thing. I mean, my mother slept with your father and they weren’t married. You know what? We did the same thing. My mother ran away from the truth of it. You know what? So did I. Your father focused more on his business and growing his wealth than he did his family. You know what? So did you! Don’t you see? We’ve become exactly what we hate the most. Why do we hate it? Were they totally wastes of human flesh? No, they were raised to be that way. Once you take that first step to the dark side, there’s no going back. Not unless you acknowledge the dark side and refuse to stay there. Well, I refuse to go back to the dark side, Worth.”
“What are you saying, Auggie?”
“I’m saying this. First of all, I want to be the authentic me, whoever that is, good or bad. I want my son to come home and be raised for who he is, using the same gauge as I will; what makes sense for each of us individually. I want you to do the same thing; not because I want to control you, but because I truly feel it’s the path that will make you happiest. If you’re happy, then we’re all happy, because we use you as an example. Why can’t one of us be happy and the others miserable? That makes all of us miserable.”
“Auggie, are you sure you didn’t go to shrink school?” he asked me, grinning.
“I think that shrink school can sometimes be the last place to learn about human nature — in the wild. In school, you learned how to apply concepts and identifying tags to people who were simply being what life brought them to be. It didn’t make them bad or sick or sometimes even wrong. It just made them. Your job was to straighten them out — and yet look at us. Are we straightened out?”