Peace hid from me this year, and I’d searched for it at Metal Pete’s, in therapy sessions, in long runs on the beach, and hours of Star Time. I hadn’t found it hiding among that dark, black sea of sparkles or anywhere else. But tonight, in the gentleness of my friend stretched out next to me, breathing in and out so rhythmically that he sounded like breaking waves, it felt within reach again.
After a lifetime of life-by-group, followed by a time of isolation, it was nice to have someone to be quiet with.
I stole a look, and because he was so focused on the sky, I stole a few more.
Max. Long, tan, a tiny bit of skin showing at his hips from the way he’d stretched back out. He wore a glazed look of wonder that was childlike and sweet and handsome, and he went a long time without blinking. Just like he’d done in Trent’s bed. I liked that about him. The intensity he gave to life.
How did you end up being the guy lying next to me?
We’d been silent for so long, I couldn’t tell the difference between a question I asked in my head and one I asked aloud. I was mortified when he responded.
“Gray doesn’t speak star.”
I begged the darkness to have mercy and beam me up; my face felt hot as a fever.
Max made nothing of my comment or his; he didn’t even roll his eyes to the side to check on me. I let his ease become mine. I’d been doing that a lot lately.
“What are the stars telling you?” I asked.
Max pushed up on his elbows and pretended to strain his ear toward the sky. “They say . . . They say . . . you’re allowed to forgive yourself.”
I rolled sideways . . . and he did the same.
“For what?” I asked.
“Living.”
“I’m not very good at that,” I admitted.
“Well, you just kissed someone without flinching. Maybe you’re getting better.”
“Maybe it’s just you.”
He didn’t argue.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Some Emails to Max in El Salvador From: [email protected] To: [email protected]
Date: October 27
Subject: Game
Max,
Would you like to play a game? Gray and I used to obsess over one called Tell Me Something You’ve Never Told Me. The rules are as simple as they sound. I’ll go first.
I’ve been skinny-dipping.
If you’d like to play, all you have to do is tell me something you’ve never told me.
Sadie
From: [email protected] To: [email protected]
Date: October 29
Subject: pirate confessions
Just last week, Fletcher said two of the most powerful words in the universe are “Me too.” I believe him. Ha. Ha. At least where skinny-dipping is concerned. I didn’t know you had a thing with Candace.
Next Tell Me Something You’ve Never Told Me: The very first year of Pirates and Paintball, I’m the one who shot Trent. Do you remember that he was convinced it was Callahan?
Your turn!
Sadie
From: [email protected] To: [email protected]
Date: November 4
Subject: Callahan
Max,
Yeah, Trent and Callahan were pretty tight. Have you heard from him at all? We’ve texted a few times. Not that long ago he asked if I wanted to ride motorcycles, but I told him I wasn’t up for it yet.
Which leads me to Something I’ve Never Told You: Trent and I used to borrow Callahan’s motorcycle and go riding in the country.
Next?
Sadie
From: [email protected] To: [email protected]
Date: November 5
Subject: Hilarious
Max,
That’s hilarious. Do you miss her?
Also, I’m pretty sure Callahan isn’t hitting on me. I’m not his type. I’m not really anyone’s type anymore. He knew Trent and I used to borrow the motorcycle and wanted to offer something I loved. Callahan’s a great guy. I really should text him.
Something I’ve Never Told You: I tried to drive to the Fountain of Youth this week. And by tried, I mean I got in my parents’ car and put it in reverse. I rolled three feet.
Tell Me Something.
Sadie
From: [email protected] To: [email protected]
Date: November 12
Subject: best laid plans
Max,
I don’t know why the fountain is so important. Maybe because Trent and I wanted to go exploring when we were kids. Maybe because it was the last thing we made plans to do. Maybe because it represents a type of healing, and I could use some of that. I have to find a way to go.