I remain silent as I fight the urge to jump in guns blazing to defend myself. I try to remain quiet and calm when I do speak.
“I didn’t drink two bottles, it was one and a bit, the first one was open and only had about a half glass worth in it. And I’m not deliberately seeking out things that are gonna upset me. I was looking for lyrics to pass on to Marley, and I decided that while I did that, I might as well go through everything that was in there. That bloody box has sat there long enough, it needs sorting through.”
“Why, why now?”
“Because it’s sat there taunting me for long enough. I should’ve done it years ago, I shouldn’t have left it this long.”
“Well, it’s because you’ve always known how fucking upset it would make you.” I shrug my shoulders.
“Regardless, it needs doing. It’s going to upset me no matter how long I wait, so I might as well just get it done. There could be something useful in there, something that Marls can work his magic on and raise money with.”
He slides one hand around the back of my neck and pulls me in for a long lazy kiss. He lets out another long sigh as he breaks away.
“All right, I understand all that. But you do it now while I’m around and not when you’re here all on your own. What the fuck would the kids think if they saw you in that state?”
I nod my head in agreement. As usual, I’m wrong and he’s right. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done it while I was here by myself. I had a few wines for courage, but they just ended up making me feel even more emotional.”
“You all right now?” he asks, and for some reason, his concern touches me deeply and tears sting my eyes. He’s so good to me, so unbelievably good for me. The emotion of the moment suddenly overwhelms me. My face crumbles as I let out a sob, wailing, “I love you,” as I launch myself against his chest.
He holds me tight for a few long moments, running his big hands over my back, arms, and scalp.
“Thanks for putting up with all my shit, Cam. Don’t you ever get sick of it? You must. I get sick of myself sometimes.” I eventually look up at him and ask, “Don’t you ever think about trading me in for someone without a shit load of issues?”
His eyes dart all over my face. “You don’t have issues, babe. You just have a past. We all have one. Ours, yours and mine, is just a little more traumatic than most.” He gives a small smile and then a quick peck on the lips. “That’s why we work. That, and the fact that I love you. No one will ever love you like I do, and I’d never want anyone to love me like you do.”
He pulls his knees up, and I lean back on them and look over his face.
“I read a few of them,” he says matter-of-factly.
Shit!
“The letters?” I know what he’s on about, I’m just trying to work out how I feel about that. He nods his head slowly, eyes darting all over my face, assessing my reaction.
“Are you pissed off with me?”
I’m not, not at all. I’m just not sure how I feel about it.
“Cam, shaving and leaving your whiskers everywhere, leaving the milk out of the fridge, or not putting your seat belt on before you pull away are things that piss me off. You reading those letters doesn’t. It makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable though.”
That’s the only way I can think to explain how I feel on the subject, uncomfortable.
Cam has a small box of memories from his first marriage: wedding photos, birthday and Christmas cards he and Chantelle sent each other, her wedding and engagement rings. I’m a woman, so of course I’ve been through it. I’ve looked at the photos of the pair of them. She was beautiful. I know she’s dead and no threat to me, but I still had to look. I’m not sure if it’s a woman thing or just my warped little mind, but when I saw it in amongst his things when we first moved in together, I couldn’t help myself.
“Yeah, they made me a bit uncomfortable, too,” he admits.
“Then why’d you read more than one?” He shrugs his big shoulders.
“Morbid curiosity I suppose.” Ah, so it’s a human thing then, or is it just us two?
“Yeah, I get that. I’ve looked at the photos of you and Chantelle more than once.” His eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Oops, I assumed he knew this.
“It’s just human nature, babe. We’re wired to be curious,” he says after a moment.
We once again both quietly contemplate each other’s admissions.
“So?” I ask.
“So?” he repeats.
“You’re okay with it then? For me to keep going through this box?”
“Would there be any point in telling you no, Kitten?” I give him a big cheesy grin.
“Absolutely none, but I’ll only do it while you’re around, I promise.”
CHAPTER 5