Tiffany: “Is you fucking retarded? I’m not going to be no welfare mom!”
I did not want to have an abortion, but at the same time, I did not want to have a baby with that man, in those circumstances. What kind of life would that be for the baby?
What if something happened to me? This man couldn’t even take care of himself, how was he going to take care of a child? If I died the kid would inherit what? A Geo Metro? That’s not a good inheritance.
And honestly, I was not ready to be a mom. I hadn’t even gotten to experience life at this point. How could I raise a child, you know?
I felt the weight of the world on me. I felt like if I had this baby, it’d be the biggest mistake of my entire existence.
I felt terrible, I felt like I was going to go to hell for this. But you know what? I’d rather go to hell and die without a baby on Earth, suffering, than have a baby here on Earth that suffered. That ain’t right.
We were still arguing about it, then he took my car to go pick up some food for us . . . and he didn’t come back for two days. Then he walked in.
Titus: “You should probably go ahead and take care of that.”
On the way to the clinic, he was trying to shame me. You know how when somebody’s like, they want you to do something, but they don’t want to feel bad about their role in it? They want you to take the blame for it, so they don’t have to feel bad about themselves?
Titus: “If you don’t want to do this, you don’t have to. It’s all on you. You want to kill my baby, that’s on you.”
I fucking hated him right then.
I remember the clinic so vividly. As I walked through the door, something came over me. I hate to admit this, but it’s true—I became very happy.
It was like a total one-eighty from how I felt in the parking lot to how I felt once I went through that clinic door. I felt like I was doing the most responsible thing in the world. I just felt really, really joyous. I knew, as painful as it was, this was the right thing.
You go into a room, then they put you on this bed. I was smiling the whole time. This one lady, this Hispanic lady notices.
Hispanic Lady: “Why are you so happy?”
Tiffany: “I guess because I know that I’m not going to be in this trap. I know I’m not going to be in the trap anymore.”
She just smiled back and rolled her eyes.
They put you to sleep for a little bit, for like ten minutes, and do the procedure. Then when I woke up, I reached down between my legs, and I felt the big ol’ maxi-pad thing they put on you.
I jumped out the bed, and I started to dance. I started full-on dancing.
Nurse: “Ms. Haddish, you can’t dance. Ms. Haddish, you are scaring people!”
Tiffany: “I’m free!! I’m free!! Thank God almighty, I am free!!”
I started doing the Running Man, and then I ran my ass right into the ground. Those drugs they give you are strong.
They made me sit down and act calm. I looked over and there was a Mexican lady, she was awake and looking at me like I fucking lost my mind. Then there was another girl in the room, and she was just full-on crying. Here I am just as happy and joyous as can be. I kinda felt bad about my dancing, and I was chill after that. Not everyone was happy about being there.
When I walked out, I was just smiling. I’m like a little doped up and kind of woozy or whatever, but I’m really happy. I’m like genuinely happy. Titus was so mad that I was so happy.
Titus: “So you just joyous, huh? You just joyous?”
Tiffany: “Yeah, we don’t have no stress no more. There’s no stress. We got a second chance.”
Titus: “That’s all right. I’m going to just get you pregnant again in two months. You’re just going to be pregnant again.”
Little did he know, I had gotten a Depo shot when I was in there. I didn’t even tell him. This man was not trapping me again.
Things actually got cool again for a few weeks. It seemed to be getting better. He’s not disappearing. Then my birthday came up, and he said he needed my car, because he was going to an interview.
Tiffany: “Okay. But it’s my birthday.”
Titus: “Yeah, I’m going to take you over to my grandma’s house, use your car, go to my interview. I’m going to come back, and we’re going to go out.”
He didn’t come back until the next day.
Tiffany: “Yo, what happened? No call, no nothing? Where were you?”
Titus: “I had got caught up in some stuff, but it’s all good. I’m going to take you out today.”
Tiffany: “I got to go to work. This is so stupid. I don’t get it. Why would you even do that? You just ruined my birthday. You ruined my birthday.”
Titus: “Stop tripping. You’re tripping. Just relax. I’m going to make it up to you.”
Three days go by. I go over to his house—which is his mom’s house, ’cause he don’t have his own place. I was ready to forgive him. I don’t know why I was, but I was. And most importantly, I was now healed up from my abortion, and we can have sex again, for the first time since I was dancing for joy.
I went in his room, and I saw he had a video camera on his TV. I don’t know why, but I had this weird feeling come over me.
Tiffany: “Let’s do something freaky. Let’s make a movie.”
I grabbed the video camera, and I started recording. He immediately got all mad, snatched the camera from me, scratching my face in the process.
Titus: “You need to mind your motherfucking business!”
Tiffany: “What is wrong with you? What’s on that tape where you got to be acting like that?”
Titus: “Ain’t nothing on this motherfuckin’ tape. You just need to mind your motherfuckin’ business and stay out my shit!”
I tried to reach for the camera, and he snatched it away. He took the tape out the camera, went out the house, and threw it in the dumpster.
I knew. All of it dawned on me, right then in that moment. Not like, consciously, but I knew. I felt it in my body.
Was I smart enough to admit that shit to myself in the moment? Hell no! I just said to myself, You need to just chill. You love this dude. You need to chill. I still didn’t know that I should listen to my gut and my feelings and my body.
When he came back in the house, I decided to change up. I just started being real sweet and nice, and we started kissing and stuff.
Tiffany: “I just want you to hook me up. I want to get me some head.”
So he went down on me and gave me some head. Once he was done, he was all hard and ready to penetrate me. He was literally right about to put it in, and I mean like, an inch before his penis touched me, I pulled away. My body was screaming at me, and not in a good way.
Tiffany: “Ooh, wait. No. I got to go to the bathroom. I got to boo-boo.”
I sat in the bathroom for like thirty minutes. I was crying, because it all hit me at once.
I knew everything was true. His sister was right. I could just feel it in my bones. I was talking to myself, Oh God, everything she said is true. I’m so stupid.