Finn takes that moment to come back into the room. His steps stutter as if he’s aware he’s walked into a potential bomb, but can’t quite make himself turn tail and run. Silently, he hands Britt a box of tissues and a glass of ice water.
Finn and I exchange a glance. He comes to stand by me, putting his hand on my shoulder as if I’m the one who needs soothing. Or maybe he’s worried I’ll be pissed. I give his hand a reassuring squeeze and then focus on Britt.
Delicately, she blows her nose and then takes a drink. “I really am sorry, Finn. I didn’t think. I…” She starts weeping again.
“Talk to me,” he says in a quiet voice.
“I don’t know what to say,” she wails, wringing her tissue in her hands. “I can’t think straight. I can’t sleep. I cry all the time. I thought coming to see you would bring me comfort.” She snorts out a sad laugh. “Obviously a grave mistake.”
“It’s not a mistake,” he says. “I want to help you.”
Britt rolls her eyes as she blows her nose, louder this time. “Don’t patronize me.”
He winces and glances my way again. And I blink back at him, a little shocked. He hadn’t been lying when he said he was crap with women. Because he is terrible at this. At least with Britt. And yet he’s always been wonderful with me, effortlessly perfect.
Perfectly imperfect.
Britt speaks again. “I miss her, Finn.” She starts to sob, quietly now, her shoulders shaking. “I didn’t even want her in the beginning. Can you believe that?”
Finn rubs his hand over his face, and he suddenly looks exhausted. “Yes.”
Britt looks up at him with eyes that sparkle with pain and something deeper. “She would have been so beautiful, don’t you think?”
He swallows hard. “Of course she would have.”
This is too personal. I’m an intruder here. I move to go when Finn grabs my hand and holds it tight. His fleeting look is clear: he expects me to stay. I settle back with some reluctance, and he threads his fingers through mine as he sits on the arm of the couch. His warmth presses into my shoulder, as if he needs me to brace him. “We will never forget her. But, Britt, we have to find a way to move on.”
She looks appalled and disgusted in him, and Finn blanches as if struck. My heart hurts for him, because he’s right. It isn't callous to want that.
“I can’t,” she grits out.
My thumb strokes the back of Finn’s hand. “Look,” I say to Britt. “We don’t know each other, and I understand that this isn’t the greatest way to meet. But have you thought about going to talk to someone?”
Britt jerks her chin, her gaze darting away. “I don’t need that. I’m not completely broken.”
“It’s not a sign of weakness to seek help,” I say. “I did once.”
Finn twitches with surprise, but he doesn’t say a word. His hand, however, holds my mine a little tighter.
“I had to deal with some things a few years ago,” I tell her, ignoring the jitters that start up in my belly. They always do when I talk about that time, so it isn’t a surprise. “And I had a hard time coping for a while. I know it isn’t the same as your loss—yes, Finn told me. But I know how depression can consume you.”
Britt stares at me, her eyes wide and a bit glazed. I know that look too. I used to see it in the mirror. There are days I still do. She licks her reddened lips, as if nervous. “And it worked?”
“It helped a lot. I went to a counselor. It was a safe space where I could talk, get things off my chest.”
She bites her bottom lip, her fingers clenching, and I put my free hand on hers.
“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to continue.”
With a sigh, she stands. “I should go.”
“You don’t have to,” Finn assures. And I’ll give him credit, even though he’d been a mess when she arrived, he sounds sincere now.
But Britt shakes her head, her gaze darting to Finn. “I was obviously interrupting something.”
It’s only then I truly notice that Finn’s wearing a pair of low-slung pajama bottoms and nothing else. Which must be a testament to my distraction because he looks delicious.
Finn looks down at himself, and skin colors a little, going a rosy-deep gold hue. “Right.”
He puts his hands low on his hips, then seems to realize that only highlights his muscles, because his hands drop to his sides. He shifts his weight as if not knowing what the hell to do.
I stand as well. “If you’d like, I can get you the contact info for the person I saw.”
“Thanks. But I’ll find someone.” Britt gives me a tight smile, but it’s clear she wants to bolt. I don’t blame her, and I’m not going to stand in her way. Sometimes, you have to lick your wounds in private.
I back away, letting her pass.
“Give me a second,” Finn says to me, and leads Britt to the door.
They stop in the hallway, heads bent toward each other, talking in low voices. From an artistic standpoint, they look beautiful together, her light to his dark. I swear, their combined fame has a glow to it. Something about them makes you keep looking, even if you don’t want to.
I never expected to be with someone like Finn. He will never fully be mine. I will always have to share him with the public. I’m okay with that. I’m proud of Finn. But seeing him standing with Britt pulls my thoughts down darker, less secure roads that I’m definitely not proud of.
It’s bothered me before, but now those old insecurities are suddenly on display in all their ugly glory. I don’t want to see them anymore than I want to view Britt and Finn as a pretty pair. But I can’t look away.
I want to be back in bed, wrapped up in sex and Finn, where the real world is a distant murmur and the present is nothing but pleasure and warmth. I want it so badly that if feels like desperation. And that scares me.
Chapter Nineteen
Finn
* * *
“When are you going to move your stuff into our room?” I ask Chess as she stands in the guest bathroom doing her makeup.