The Hot One

I sink into the wooden chair at the mint-green table at our favorite sidewalk café and turn to my two closest friends—dark-haired Penny and redheaded Nicole. Penny leashes her little dog, Shortcake, to the leg of her chair, while Nicole ties up her Irish setter mix, Ruby.

“I can’t believe he has a kid,” I say, still in shock that Tyler had turned down the procreation path so quickly.

Penny shakes her head, surprise registering in her eyes. “He’s so young to have one, too.”

Nicole laughs as a busboy delivers a pitcher of water and four glasses. We’re regulars, and he knows our drill. Nicole thanks him as he pours. She offers a glass to her dog sprawled at her feet under the table. “Right,” Nicole says, her voice thick with sarcasm, as Ruby laps up the drink with loud slurps. “Because age has so much to do with his ability to deliver sperm to a waiting egg during one of the numerous times he let some loose from his body.”

She’s right, of course, and now I want to know all the details. “I wonder if he met her right after me? The kid looked, what, six? Seven? And we split eight years ago. Do you think it happened right away? After college? Before he went to law school? He barely even waited after he split up with me,” I say, dragging a hand through my ponytail as the questions tumble free in a rush. “I haven’t seen him or talked to him since we split. I didn’t even know he was in Manhattan.”

“And is he married now?” Penny asks. “I’m dying to know, since I saw the way he looked at you.”

I latch on to her words. “How did he look at me?”

She wiggles her eyebrows. “Like he liked your running shorts,” she says, in a salacious little whisper.

“Like he wanted to take them off,” Nicole adds, with a wink.

I wish their comments didn’t stir something inside me. Like my treasonous libido. I remind myself I can’t go there. I hold up both hands as stop signs. “He could be married, like Penny said.”

“Did you see a ring on his finger?” she asks.

“My X-ray vision is on the fritz these days,” I say, though I’m not sure how I can joke. A part of me is still embarrassed at the role he’s played in my nightlife. A part of me is furious, too. The man cast me aside clinically, claiming he needed to focus on law school, like I was simply a growth to slice off instead of a woman he wanted to find a way, come hell or high water, to stay with. Then, it turns out he found someone else and knocked her up. “Maybe the truth was he didn’t want to juggle me.” I swallow harshly. “Maybe I simply wasn’t the woman for him. Maybe I never meant to him what he meant to me.” I hate that my voice breaks the slightest bit. Tyler and I were in love. I shouldn’t feel a damn thing for him now, and I shouldn’t care that he’s created a life for himself that’s perfectly reasonable. Even though we had talked about a life together. We were hoping to have one after law school.

I draw a deep breath, needing to find my lost zen. This is what I encourage my clients to do—focus on the things they can control. Let go of the stresses in their days and find their happy place.

“We need to find out everything.” Penny jumps into her Nancy Drew role. She tucks her dark hair behind her ears and sits up straight. All-business Penny. “Let’s look him up on Facebook,” she says, counting off on one finger. “Find out who he married.” Another finger. “Figure out where he’s working.” One more. “And make voodoo dolls of him.”

If they only knew I was the one who needed to be voodooed.

“Look,” Nicole says, crossing her legs as she picks up a menu. “I know he looked at our girl like he wanted to have her for breakfast, but how about we order actual breakfast? How about we focus on eggs and coffee, instead of eggs and sperm? Besides, you love the eggs here, Delaney. You roll your eyes in happiness every time you eat them.”

“Of course, she loves them,” Penny says. “They’re so good I’m convinced they’re hatched from magic chickens who lay enchanted eggs.”

A chuckle bursts forth from my throat. I can’t help it.

“You really do think they have magic yard birds out back?” Penny asks playfully, pointing to the swinging screen door of The Charming Breakfast Spot, as a waitress saunters inside.

I nod. “Absolutely, a whole shed full of charmed creatures serving up food for us,” I say, since I don’t want to explain that this makes me think of my naughty nicknames for Tyler. His cock was magic and his tongue was beyond enchanted.

“So, what do you say?” Penny continues. “Should we look him up?”

Nicole answers before I can, gesturing at me like I’m exhibit A. “It’s not like she’s been pining away for him all this time.” She sets her green-eyed gaze on me. “You haven’t even mentioned him in ages. Who cares that he has a kid? Who cares if he’s married? You don’t care about him anymore.” She bangs a fist on the table to make her point. Her dog Ruby raises her snout in alarm and Nicole gently strokes the animal’s long nose as she talks. “You’ve moved on. So let’s focus on the opportunities in front of you. Like breakfast.”

That’s Nicole for you. The woman never dwells on the past. She has a saying that exes are exes for a reason, and they should stay that way.

“Or,” Penny suggests, “we could focus on breakfast and encouraging Delaney to date again.”

Nicole beams at the mention of dating. “Yes, that too.”

I shake my head. “Please. You know the last time I tried dating—it was a parade of mama’s boys, players, and far too many unsolicited dick pics, and I wasn’t even on a dating site.” I cringed at the memory of the collection of appendage imagery that appeared on my cell phone. “I can’t go there again.”

“Nonsense. There are plenty of good men in the city.” Nicole slaps the menu on the table. “And plenty of men who have been trained not to send dick pics without permission.” She leans in closer and lowers her voice. “But admit it. A cock shot can be nice from the right man.”

I roll my eyes. “Nicole, is that the topic of your next column? Nice Cock Shots and How to Score Them?”

Nicole wiggles her eyebrows. “But of course. It’s a critical skill for the modern woman navigating the minefield of online dating.”

Nicole writes a dating column, but it’s more like a humor column, and it runs on several prominent women-centric lifestyle sites. She covers key topics for today’s single ladies, from whether to go full bush, landing strip, or bare as a baby’s bottom, to how to pen the ideal breakup letter, especially one you don’t accidentally send from a secret ghost account you use to spy on the men you’re dating from the same online site. That happened to one of her readers, and Nicole guided the distraught woman to not only remedy the error but actually patch up with the guy.