We ended up walking to the park, Ash pushing Viv in the stroller, Viv’s legs kicking out in front of her. It was a beautiful day—hot of course, but it still felt great to be outside. We stopped to get sandwiches on the way, and once Viv was set up in the sand, we unwrapped them and started eating. Every minute or so, Ash had to get up to stop Viv from putting sand in her mouth, or to take a stick out of her hand and replace it with a plastic shovel. I’d finished my entire lunch before Ash had even gotten through half of hers, and so I moved to sit next to Viv, trying to entertain her so Ash could eat.
It was interesting to be able to observe Ash as a mom so closely. What struck me nearly every day was how almost all of Viv’s care fell to her. She had help from all the family around, of course, which was more than most people got. But on a day-to-day basis, Jimmy didn’t do much to take care of Viv. Maybe it had always been that way—we hadn’t lived with them when she was first born, so how would we know? Or maybe it had changed once the campaign started. Either way, I was pretty sure there was no going back now. Jimmy would hold Viv or carry her to the kitchen, but he unapologetically handed her off to Ash when she needed to eat or get a diaper changed.
It was so personal, what Matt and I were witnessing, a twenty-four-hour view of the Dillons’ parenting. And it seemed extreme to me, although I couldn’t say how unusual it was since I’d never lived with anyone else who was raising a child. But when we were on the road, Ash never ate a meal uninterrupted. She’d try to take a few bites while feeding and entertaining Viv, but more often than not she just abandoned her plate altogether, while Jimmy sat back, relaxed and taking it for granted that he had both hands free. I wondered sometimes, watching this, if Ash knew what she’d signed up for.
Ash finished her sandwich quickly and carried our trash over to the garbage can. She walked back toward us and held out her hands to Viv, pulled her up to standing. “Do you want to go on the swings?” she asked, already leading Viv over there. I watched as they walked away, as Ash freed one hand to wave to another mom-and-daughter duo. “Hey, y’all,” she said, “isn’t this a perfect day for the park?”
—
Most nights, Ash put Viv down around 7:00, before we all ate dinner. Lately, I’d go upstairs with her and sit on the floor while she changed Viv into her pajamas and read her a story. It wasn’t like we needed any more time to talk or that she even wanted me there, it was just that I didn’t want to be left downstairs alone with Matt and Jimmy.
But with them gone, I stayed downstairs to watch TV as Ash put Viv to bed, and it felt so freeing—like the first time my parents left me alone when they went out. I poured us each a glass of wine, and when Ash came down, she said, “Oh, that is just what I need.”
Neither of us was all that hungry, so Ash just set out cheese and crackers to snack on. Ash chewed on a piece of cheese thoughtfully and then said, “I wonder what the boys are up to.”
We hadn’t heard from them since they arrived. Matt had just sent one text that said, Made it to Odessa. I’d written back to ask how the drive went, but he hadn’t responded. I checked my phone once more, just to be sure, like I could’ve missed something when my phone had been no more than six inches away from me all day.
“They probably just got dinner and went to bed,” I said.
“Do you think they’re getting along?” Ash asked.
“Maybe,” I said. “Maybe being alone will be good for them. Maybe they’ll be able to talk some things out.” I doubted this was true, but we were both skirting around what was so obvious—that Matt thought Jimmy was being a prima donna and Jimmy thought Matt was jealous.
“Maybe,” Ash said, although I could tell she didn’t believe it any more than I did.
“It’s making Matt so irritable though,” I said. “The campaign, I mean. Like he’s just mad all the time. Even at me.”
This was the most I’d disclosed about what was going on between me and Matt. It was embarrassing, but I figured she was seeing it all anyway and was the only one who could really understand the complications of our situation.
“That must be hard,” she said, giving me an exaggerated look of sympathy. She’d snapped back to her Texas Ash voice, the one she used when she talked to the Dozens.
“Yeah, I’m sure it’s just stress,” I said, hoping we could drop it.
“I’m sure it is,” she said, and again her voice had a syrupy sweet tone to it that made me want to slap her. Why was she acting like this? Like everything in her life was so perfect? I’d wanted to tell her so much, how weird things were with Matt, how we barely talked anymore, how we hadn’t had sex in weeks, how I’d been shut down so many times when I tried to initiate it that I felt humiliated.
But now I couldn’t confide in her. Six months ago, I could have told her everything. But in that moment, I didn’t trust her. She’d probably run to the Dozens and tell them all about her poor friend Beth, who was having marital problems. I didn’t say anything else, and then she reached over and touched my arm and said in a voice so dramatic it was almost funny, “Don’t worry, I know you two will work it out.”
—