I hadn’t expected to feel this way, to be so invested in the election. In some ways, it felt bigger to me than it had four years ago. I was always aware that our life in DC was temporary, that there was an expiration date—but now with all of the election coverage, I had a daily reminder that things might change overnight. Everything seemed so tenuous. We could pretend that this town was ours, but really it was just on loan.
I drank my first cup of coffee quickly and poured a second, holding it in my hands and willing the caffeine to kick in. Matt checked his BlackBerry, knowing without me having to tell him that I wasn’t up for conversation just yet, and I watched him from across the table. He always did this thing when he ate breakfast, where he’d put his tie over his shoulder to keep it from getting dirty, like some old-fashioned businessman. It killed me. It must’ve been something that his father did, a habit he picked up along the way, and there was just something about it that I loved.
He looked up to see me watching him, smiled back, and stood to carry his bowl to the sink. I listened to him rinsing it out and putting it in the dishwasher. When he came out of the kitchen, he flipped his tie back to its proper place and smoothed it down with his palm.
“Look,” he finally said. “This is stressful. It’s going to be a stressful few months. All we can do is try not to worry about it. And vote, obviously.”
“Obviously.”
“Are you going to fall asleep at the office?”
“Actually, I might work from home today,” I said, meaning that I would be heading back to bed for a couple of hours as soon as he left. I hoped Ellie wouldn’t mind much. Or at least that she wouldn’t notice.
“That sounds like a good idea,” Matt said, leaning down to kiss me good-bye. “And remember—we’ll just stay positive, right? Positive thoughts?”
“Yes. Positive thoughts,” I said. And then when the door shut behind him, I said again, to no one, “Positive thoughts.”
—
The next Saturday, Ash insisted that I meet her for brunch. We hadn’t gone out with the Dillons on Friday, because Jimmy was traveling, and I figured she just wanted to get together, but when I’d suggested that we cancel (mostly because I was tired from not sleeping all week and kind of just wanted to sit on my couch) she’d whined, “Noooo, I have to see you.” And right then I knew what she was going to tell me.
We met at Saint-Ex on Fourteenth Street, and when I got there, she was already at a table outside, waving at me like a little kid and smiling widely. I’d barely sat down before she said, “I’m pregnant,” and I tried my best to look both excited and surprised.
“Oh my God,” I said, “when did you find out?”
It turned out that Ash was barely pregnant, had basically peed on a stick and then decided to announce it to me. “Are you worried about telling people so early?” I asked.
“Oh, no. I probably won’t tell anyone else, but I had to tell you or I was going to burst. You’re my best friend! I almost called you right after I took the test, but then I wanted to see your face when I told you in person.”
When the waiter came to our table, Ash ordered a club soda with lime and then looked up at him pretending to be embarrassed. “I’m pregnant,” she said. I wanted to tell her that it was 1:00 in the afternoon and she didn’t have to explain to the waiter why she wasn’t drinking, that really he probably didn’t even notice. But I just ordered a Bloody Mary for myself and kept smiling.
The next Tuesday, Colleen and I had planned to go for an early evening walk through Rock Creek Park (which was our way of pretending to exercise when really we just wanted to talk), but when she came to my door that night, she looked exhausted and said, “Do you mind if we just order dinner instead?”
“Sure,” I said. “Are you okay?”
“Not really. I’m pregnant. And so fucking tired.”
She told me they’d been trying for a few months. “I mean, I would’ve waited another year or two, but time is marching on. For Bruce I mean,” she said quickly. “He’s already going to be an old dad, but I’d rather people don’t think he’s the baby’s grandpa.”
—
I tried to figure out why I didn’t take this news so well. I should’ve been thrilled, two of my best friends having babies. But I wasn’t. I didn’t want to talk to them about how they’d tracked their ovulation schedules or how often they had to go to the bathroom. I knew how awful I was being. Maybe it was all the pressure of the election, knowing that so many things might change. Maybe I just wanted things to stay the same for a little while longer. But mostly, I think, sometimes it’s just really hard to be happy for other people.
—
When I talked to Matt about it, he said, “Are you jealous?” He looked hopeful, like I was going to get caught up in some pregnancy pact with Ash and Colleen, decide that we should have a baby immediately.
“No, it’s not that. I just—I know what it will be like. This is all they’re going to talk about.” Matt was silent, and then I said, “Just so you know, I realize how shitty I sound. I can’t help it. I’m a bad friend, I guess.”
“You’re not a bad friend,” he said. “But I think maybe you think this is worse than it is.”