Mostly because I had no choice.
After I fed my babies, I decided to check supplies of feed and hay. I always carefully calculated the needs of both, because I bought in bulk due to the discount I could get and also bought them both at the same time due to the fact the feed store delivered at a flat rate no matter how much you ordered.
I was low on feed but had plenty of hay.
I could stack extra outside and put a tarp around it, use it first so I didn’t have to haul it in and put in the hay room only to haul it back out again for the horses.
After closing the door on the hay room, I turned to go to Serengeti to see if she was finished eating and ready to head out to her paddock and stopped dead.
Johnny was standing inside the closed gate, his eyes locked to me.
This could not happen and it could not happen for a number or reasons.
First, I couldn’t deal with it. Not then. I needed at least a whole day, more like a hundred of them.
Second, this wasn’t fair. I knew he wanted to do right by me, let me down easy, explain his head was messed up and that was why he was leading me on, try to make me understand in order to make himself feel better while doing it.
But it was my thought in this particular scenario that I got to pick the time that would happen, if it happened at all.
And last, in a fit of heartbroken stupidity I refused to allow myself to dwell on considering it had only been three dinners, two breakfasts, several phone and text conversations but not years of togetherness and a path of broken promises, I’d gone to bed wearing the T-shirt he’d given me.
Therefore right then I was standing before him wearing that tee, an old, threadbare pair of men’s pajama bottoms that I’d cut off at the knees and pulled on to go to the stables, and my wellies.
My hair was a mess.
And I knew I had to look fatigued and perhaps was wearing my heart on my (actually his) sleeve.
So this wasn’t just too soon and unfair.
It was a disaster.
I tore my eyes from him, immediately started moving to the tack room for reasons unknown since I didn’t have to go to the tack room, I had to go to Serengeti, doing this shaking my head and talking.
“You don’t have to do this, Johnny.”
I sensed him on the move but didn’t look at him.
“Izzy, I need you to listen to me.”
I kept shaking my head at the same time averting it. “It’s okay. I get it. You know I get it. You don’t have to do this.”
“Iz, baby, stop for a second and listen to me.”
I hit the door to the tack room, stopped and twisted only slightly to allow myself to look at his chest, a view I had because he’d gotten close.
He had a new tee on today, blue that had a faded American flag all in white on the front.
It was fabulous.
“Honestly, it’s okay. I’m fine. I expected that to happen,” I told him, though I didn’t expect to have to witness it.
“What to happen?” he asked.
I ignored that.
“And I’m still good with Mist coming here, if you are. I’ll go get him though and take care of him. It won’t be hard. Don’t worry. Just text me the address. I know someone who’ll let me use their horse trailer and Charlie has a truck that can haul.”
“Iz—”
“Thanks for coming, Johnny.” I started to open the door to the tack room. “It was sweet.” I lifted my eyes to his bearded chin and wanted to kick myself because my voice was starting to sound husky when I finished, “Be happy.”
I was going to disappear through the door but I didn’t.
The door that I’d opened nary three inches was slammed shut in front of me, and then I was turned around with a hand on my upper arm and I found myself backed up against the wooden wall to the tack room with a hand in my belly.
I looked up at Johnny.
He was angry.
I felt my wounded heart start beating rapidly.
“Need you to shut up, baby, and listen to me,” he growled.
“You really don’t have to do this,” I whispered.
“You really do have to shut up,” he returned sharply.
I stared into his angry eyes.
He was telling me to shut up.
And he was angry.
He was invading my land, my stables, my space with the driving bent to do the right thing and not thinking how I might feel, and he was getting angry that I wouldn’t let him.
And that made me angry.
“Don’t tell me to shut up,” I snapped.
“Izzy, I’ll repeat one more time, you need to listen to me.”
I got up on my toes to put my face in his and retorted, “I don’t need to do anything.”
“Right,” he bit off.
Then his hand was no longer in my belly.
It was an arm wrapped around my waist, his other hand became fingers bunching my hair tight in his grip, and his mouth slammed down on mine.
He kissed me.
I went still for a second in shock before I tried to push at his hold.
My hands encountered broad, strong shoulders and that was it.
I wasn’t Izzy.
I wasn’t in my stables.
I wasn’t angry at Johnny.
I wasn’t heartsore from him either.
My sister wasn’t up at my house with my nephew dealing with whatever it was she was dealing with at the same time having a mind to what was happening with me.
Shandra Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Was didn’t exist.
She’d never even been born.
I was something else, somewhere else, something foreign entirely.
But he was Johnny.
Johnny holding me and kissing me.
And I had become pure need.
I opened my mouth, his tongue slid inside with a groan that drove the burning hunger deeper into my flesh, the marrow of my bones, straight to my soul, and I couldn’t have stopped myself from acting on it if I’d tried.
My hands left his shoulders and went to the drawstring on my bottoms. I pulled it and the baggy material fell to my ankles.
I then went for his belt.
He broke the kiss, lifted his head and looked deep into my eyes.
Then he made a noise, that muted roar of his that now wasn’t angry or frustrated, but ravening.
If I wasn’t already drenched between my legs, that would have done it.
But instead, it made me sopping.
I worked his belt as he lifted my shirt and hooked a thumb in the side of my panties, his other hand reaching behind him.
He pulled my panties down to low on my hip, the nail of his thumb digging into my flesh, the feel of that reverberating right up my pussy, as he pulled his wallet out of his back pocket.
I got his belt undone and went for the button.
I heard his wallet plop to the dirt before he put the edge of a wrapped condom between his clenched teeth and brushed my hands aside.
I focused on my panties, tearing them farther down and shimmying them until they fell to rest with my bottoms at my ankles.
Johnny dragged his jeans over his ass and the condom disappeared from his teeth.
Within seconds, his hands were at my ass, mine were to his shoulders, and I jumped up.
He kept hold, securing me aloft, taking a step in, pinning me to the wall.
Then he was inside.
I gasped.
He groaned.