Man and dog went out the door and I heard them clamber down the stairs.
I pulled the sheet to my chest wondering about the unease and remorse I thought I saw in Johnny’s face.
Then I pushed the sheet aside, got out of bed, found my panties and tugged them on. I also tugged on the rust-colored T-shirt Johnny had discarded that had a very cool, faded, peeling away yellow decal that was designed to look kind of like an old-fashioned, fifties motor oil ad that said, On My Way Home, the only place to be.
That done, I went to my purse and took it with me to the bathroom.
I grabbed my toothbrush out of it, used it. I then unearthed the travel-size facial cleanser I’d brought with me and used that too. Finally, I found the travel-size moisturizer and I used that as well.
I tucked everything in my purse and found Johnny and Dempsey were back when I returned.
His eyes were on the T-shirt and his lips were now curled up at both ends.
“You just can’t help yourself, can you?” he teased.
“I can’t brush my teeth naked, Johnny,” I returned.
His gaze came to mine. “Yeah you can.”
I rolled my eyes, dumped my purse on his island and headed toward the bed.
Dempsey came up and rubbed against me, so I stopped to give him some pets before I headed toward the bed where Johnny stood close to it, not taking off his jeans, just watching me with my dog.
But when I got close, he hooked me around the belly and pulled me into his front.
He then wrapped his arms around me loosely.
I put my hands to his chest and tipped my head back to look at his face.
“I’m a guy who likes to control what he gets in bed.”
My body jerked against his in surprise at this announcement and his arms tightened.
“I’m thinking that isn’t lost on you,” he carried on. “And maybe it also isn’t lost on you that I got rules. You come. Then I come. That was not the way things were going. I was gonna blow before I gave it to you and that is not acceptable to me. I liked what you were doing. Too much. It was taking my mind off where I needed to be at, that being seein’ to you. I got slightly pissed about that and didn’t communicate that very well. I was unintentionally a dick, but I was still a dick and that wasn’t cool. I said I was sorry but I want you to know, Iz, that I really am.”
This moved me a great deal.
And maybe this was why he’d looked remorseful.
Something that relieved me a great deal.
“Thank you, Johnny,” I said softly.
“You can wake up when you normally wake up. I’ll follow you home and deal with Serengeti and Amaretto, get the dogs sorted, feed your cats and make you breakfast so you don’t have to miss any sleep.”
I relaxed into him.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know I don’t but I’m gonna.”
I smiled at him, and my hand, of its own accord, was sliding up with the intent to cup his jaw, my feet itching to roll up on my toes to kiss him, but I stopped both.
I ended up squeezing the spot where his neck met his shoulder instead of doing something more affectionate, more familiar, not where we were or who we were. But I hid my disappointment I couldn’t have that, couldn’t give that, by continuing to smile.
“Are you saying we’re done having sex?” I asked.
He returned my smile. “Had my big workout today, babe, and you gave me my second one, so it sucks, but yeah. I’m wiped.”
I gave his shoulder another squeeze. “So you do do healthy things.”
“This body is not a miracle of nature.”
“Do you eat vegetables?”
“Protein shakes but there’s an occasional green smoothie,” he admitted.
“I knew it.”
He chuckled.
Then he let me go, shoved me gently toward the bed and his hands went to the button on his jeans.
I crawled into his bed with his T-shirt on.
He joined me and reached out to turn out his light while I did the same with the one on my side.
I settled in and didn’t have time to begin to wonder if he would hold me on an occasion where I didn’t pass out in his arms due to lots of insanely good sex.
He pulled me into them, tucking my back to his front and curving his body into mine.
“You need me to set the alarm?” he asked.
“Isn’t it set?”
“It’s set for six thirty, not five.”
I was usually on the road to work at six thirty.
“I have an internal alarm,” I told him.
He kept hold of me with the arm under me but rolled his body away. I heard a beep and then he was back.
“Just in case,” he muttered.
I hated it that I totally could fall in love with this man . . . but I couldn’t.
I hated it that he was all mine and I was all his . . . but only when we were having sex.
I hated that I knew when it was over that I’d miss this and miss it badly . . . but I’d rather have it while I could than not have it at all.
But I had it now and it was beautiful.
It was also guiding my way to understand what to look for that was right and good for my future.
The problem with that was, I was terrified what was right and good was only right there in that bed with me and nowhere else on this earth.
I didn’t hate that.
I didn’t allow myself to think of it.
If I did, I didn’t know what I’d do.
I didn’t know what woke me.
I just woke.
I also didn’t know how I knew instantly Johnny wasn’t with me.
But I did.
I rolled to my back, tentatively reaching out an arm to his side of the bed.
He wasn’t in it.
I heard a whine, and as my eyes adjusted to the dark, I saw Dempsey at the door in the wall of windows.
Outside it, I could barely make out Johnny’s chest where it was positioned at the railing, his face as well, his bottom half and hair blended in the night because his hair was dark and he was wearing something dark down below.
He was turned, looking toward the creek, like the first time I woke up in his house.
I rolled back and looked at the clock.
It was just past two in the morning.
I didn’t know what to do.
However, my body did.
It scooched to the side of the bed, and with experience, my feet carefully found their way to the floor, knowing Swirl would be asleep there beside me so I’d have to find my way without stepping on him.
He was there.
I felt him move to lift his head and murmured, “Shh, baby. Just going to check on Johnny.”
He settled back in and I got out of bed.
Dempsey came to me.
I gave him some head scratches then headed to the door.
I saw Johnny more distinctly from closer as I opened the door and his head turned to me.
I shoved my body in the narrow crack I’d opened the door, so Dempsey wouldn’t come out, and called softly, “You okay?”
“Come here.”
“I don’t want to intrude if you need—”
“Come here, Eliza.”
Keeping Dempsey back, I slid out the door, closed it and moved to him.
Even though I was only going to position myself close enough to have a conversation with him, weirdly, powerfully, almost violently, the instant I got close enough for him to reach out to me, he did, yanking me into his arms and holding me tight.
Not loose.
Not casual.
Not sexual.
Not nonchalant.
Tight.