I wanted to stop Alice from going. I wanted to stop him from taking her, but I was too scared to move. He might suddenly notice me. What if he wanted to take me away as well? I didn’t even dare to turn my head as I looked out the corner of my eyes and watched Alice disappear.
Free from my paralysis, I launched myself at the window. I could see Alice climbing into the car. My father leaned in and fastened her seat belt. He closed the door before going around to the driver’s side. I could see Alice’s dark hair through the back window.
Something must have made her turn. She looked back at me, her blue eyes bore into mine. In that second I knew she wasn’t coming back.
Alice knew it too.
Chapter 4
I didn’t sleep well last night. I had woken up what seemed like every couple of hours, tossing and turning, images of Alice flashing through my mind mixed with images of my father which turned into snakes and spiders. Neither creatures I particularly like. At one point Luke had rolled over in a semi-conscious state and stroked my head, mumbling reassuring words and telling me to try to go back to sleep. I appreciated the gesture despite its ineffectiveness.
I’m already showered, dressed and giving Chloe her breakfast before anyone else surfaces.
‘How are you feeling?’ says Luke, coming over and dropping a kiss on my head. ‘You were pretty restless in the night.’
‘Not great,’ I admit. ‘Don’t say anything to Mum, though.’
‘Don’t tell Nanny what?’ asks Hannah through a mouthful of toast and jam.
‘Don’t speak with food in your mouth,’ says Luke. ‘And some things aren’t meant for little ears.’ He gives a playful tug on Hannah’s ear lobe. She smiles through jam-coated teeth.
‘That’s lovely, darling,’ I say and pull a face in her direction. She laughs and I am pleased the question has been forgotten. ‘How did your recorder practice go yesterday?’ I ask, just to make doubly sure we are back on safe ground.
‘It was okay. We’re learning a new song.’
‘What’s it called?’ I wipe Chloe’s mouth with the napkin. ‘There we go, darling. All gone. Well done.’
Hannah’s answer is lost as my attention is snatched away at the sight of my mother coming into the kitchen. The first thing I notice are her eyes. They have been dull and sad and if you looked close enough, you could see pain etched in the back of them, reflecting the pain in her heart and the scars in her memory.
Today, however, there is no dullness, her eyes sparkle like I have never seen them do so before. In fact, I think this is the first time I truly appreciate the phrase. They practically illuminate the room, exuding warmth and happiness.
‘Good morning, my darlings,’ she says, sitting down at the table. In her hand she holds a piece of paper. ‘It’s my letter to Alice. Would you like to read it?’ The question is just a formality, there being no doubt in her mind that I do want to read it. She passes it over before she even finishes her sentence. ‘It’s just rough. I’m going to write it out neater this morning. Had you thought about enclosing a small note yourself?’
‘I’ll write it today. It seems strange that I’m actually going to be writing to her after all the years of imagining it.’ Mum and I share a smile, one that is coated with excitement and happiness.
‘That’s great,’ says Mum. She nods at the letter. ‘Read it, then.’
My darling daughter Alice
Where do I begin? I can’t tell you how happy I am to receive your letter. Happy seems such inadequate word to describe how I feel. I’m truly elated. Thank you so very much for finding me, I’ve been waiting for you ever since that day you were taken to America. Just waiting. It’s like a dream come true.
We, that’s Clare and me, have tried to find you. Clare has searched all over social media. She even hired private investigators several times but we didn’t know about the change in surname. What happened between your father and me was such a long time ago, I hardly think about it – all I’ve ever thought is about you. It’s a long and complicated story and one probably best saved for another day, when we can talk to each other face to face. Oh, how I long to hold you, my darling beautiful daughter, to hug you, to see you, to hear your voice, to find out all about you. I have no greater wish in my life than to see you, please say you will come and visit. I will pay for your travel and you can stay here, in your home, your own bedroom. Or I could come to America and visit you there. Whatever you want to do, my dearest sweet daughter, just let me know.
There is so much to tell you and so much I want to know about you.
I love you.
Mum xxx
‘It’s a lovely letter, Mum. But, you know, Alice included her email, why don’t you email her? It will be quicker.’ I pass the letter back.
‘But having something that Alice has touched herself is so precious. I thought she might feel the same about having something real and tangible from me,’ says Mum. ‘Besides, I hardly use my email account. I’m not even sure I know what my password is any more.’