‘Run away?’
Tova swallows. ‘We were always talking in the dairy about what we might do if we ever earned our freedom. If we ever managed to escape. We’d all heard stories of slaves who’d done that, but always they ended up getting caught again. They were never able to hide for long; after a while they had to make themselves known somewhere if they didn’t want to starve, and people were always on the lookout for runaways, eager to claim a reward. I thought that if I had money, I might be able to pay my way – maybe I’d flee to the sea and buy passage somewhere. I don’t know that I ever truly had a plan, but that’s why I did it. It was only a few pennies. I didn’t think anyone would miss them.’
‘You hated it that much?’
‘Of course I hated it. We all did. You would too. All day you work hard for no reward, and the next and the next and the next, and all the time you’re told that it’s not enough. Every night you bed down on damp rushes or flat straw because no one ever bothers to give you fresh bedding. You’re always last to eat, and if there’s nothing left for you after all the servants have had theirs then you go hungry. You never have your own clothes, only what others give you, and often they’re full of holes or wearing out and you have to mend them as best you can. No one cares for you or thinks about you at all, except when they need something done.’
‘Oh Tova,’ Merewyn says. ‘I never knew.’
‘It’s all right. There’s no reason you should have. Anyway, you did the best thing anyone ever could for me. You gave me my freedom. It wasn’t you. ?lfric was the one who was supposed to look after us and make sure we were properly fed and clothed. He was always looking for more from us, and we had no choice but to give it. If you disobeyed or refused to work you were beaten, and at the same time you were supposed to be grateful for whatever you were given, however little it was.’
‘But once you had the money, why didn’t you flee?’
‘I don’t know. Until I had the coins in my hand I never had any doubts, but as soon as I did, I began asking myself how far I expected to get before they caught me or some other fate befell me. I wondered how I’d manage to survive on my own, and what kind of life that would be. And, on top of everything else, I didn’t know where to go. In the end, I was too frightened to do anything.’
‘So you changed your mind, but you still kept the silver.’
‘I meant to return it, really I did. I knew that someone would notice it was missing sooner or later. But there was never a good time. I kept it hidden inside a small cloth pouch that I stuffed inside my mattress. I thought no one would find it there, but before I could take it back they searched our quarters.’
‘How did it find its way under Gunnhild’s bed, then?’
‘That was Orm’s doing.’
‘Orm?’
‘They tore our room apart. Him and ?lfric, I mean. He found the pouch, but he didn’t say anything until they came to Gunnhild’s bed. Only then did he pretend to find it. That’s why she didn’t know anything about it.’
‘How do you know this?’
‘Because he told me afterwards. A few days later.’
‘Why would Orm do anything to help you?’
‘Why do you think? Because he wanted something.’
‘Oh Tova.’
‘I’d noticed the way he looked at me, but then I thought he looked at all the girls that way. For a long time I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t think he’d ever do anything, if only out of fear of his father. After his mother was driven out, though, he changed, became more withdrawn. Some of the ceorls didn’t like the looks he gave their daughters, the way he’d watch them when they were at work in the fields. They went to Skalpi to protest, and he managed to put a stop it for a while, but only for a while.
‘Anyway, I was as confused as Gunnhild was when they accused her. I’d been fearing the worst. I knew it was a mistake, but I had no idea how it had happened. Not until a couple of days later, in the kitchen, when Orm told me what he’d done. That he’d lied for me and that he’d done it to protect me. He told me I ought to thank him, and that if I didn’t do the things he wanted then he’d tell everyone the truth. When I still refused, he hit me and told me that I was worthless and no better than a slug. He said that if he liked he could kill me and nobody would care because I was only a slave. That’s when you came in. After that I kept expecting him to carry out his threat.’
‘But he never did.’
‘No, he didn’t.’
‘You should have said something.’
‘I was too afraid.’
‘But we sent Gunnhild away. Her daughter as well. We sold them to a trader who was going to take them across the sea.’
‘I know,’ Tova says, feeling very small. She wonders what has happened to them and where they are now. Are they even still alive? If only she could say sorry, but she can’t.