“You planning to go to Columbia?” Lucy asked, the corners of her mouth curling up.
I shook my head. I wasn’t university bound, not even community college. I hadn’t applied anywhere. It wasn’t that I was stupid, and my grades were decent enough, but I didn’t have the money to go, and it seemed pointless to take out a loan when I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life. I had vague ideas about photography or maybe something in social work, but as soon as I tried to picture myself in the future, the image got blurry and faded away. Drew had always known what she wanted. She’d been drawing since we were kids. “I don’t have any firm plans right now,” I mumbled.
Lucy drew back as if shocked. “What, here I thought you’d tell us you had a full-ride offer from all the Ivy Leagues and an apartment on Fifth Avenue.” She smirked. “I know how you love to tell a good story.”
Blood rushed to my face. I wanted to drop under the table and disappear. Just when I thought that people had forgotten the past, someone dug it back up. The joys of living in a small town. The bodies of your mistakes rarely stayed buried. They had a tendency to pop up when you least expected them.
“Hey, take it easy. That’s not cool,” Brandon said, nudging Lucy with his elbow. He smiled at me. His big sister had some kind of special needs, so he was, possibly, the nicest person in our entire school, but having him stick up for me made me want to puke my vegetarian sandwich onto the table.
Lucy tossed her hair again. “I’m joking,” she said to the group. Ah, the joking defense. The tried-and-true excuse for bullies everywhere. “I just didn’t think she’d have the money for someplace like that. You know the city’s really expensive, right?”
“Of course she knows,” Paige said. “Skye’s not an idiot. She’s not going to plan to move to New York without knowing what she’s getting into.”
Lucy’s mouth formed a tight line. “It’s no big deal to me. I’d just heard that in the past Skye’s confused what she wants to be true with what is true.” She turned to Drew. “All I’m saying is you might not have to worry about getting a moving van that fits both of your stuff.”
“I’m not worried,” Drew said. “I know she’s coming with me.”
“Uh,” I said.
Drew whipped out her phone. “I’d trust Skye with my life.” Her fingers flew over the screen and then she slapped it down on the table. “There. I just cancelled my dorm reservation. Now Skye and I will get a place together. Maybe, if your aunt ever lets you stay in the big city, you can come visit. That is unless you need to get back to bridge-and-tunnel Jersey.”
Paige laughed, and Brandon high-fived Drew. He turned his raised palm to me, but my hands lay in my lap like dead fish.
My breath came fast and shallow. Drew hadn’t really sent that email, had she? Maybe she just wanted to make a point. There was a huge waitlist for residence space. If she’d given hers up, she wouldn’t have anywhere to live. Her parents were going to kill her. Or me.
“Whatever.” Lucy grabbed her giant leather Coach tote from under the table. “We should get going, or we’re going to be late.” They gathered their stuff and shuffled back to the parking lot. Paige looked over her shoulder at us and waved as she walked away.
Drew was flushed, and her eyes sparkled. She looked almost high. She’d always had a crush on Paige. She’d never pursued her, or any of her other crushes, but she held her out as that unobtainable beautiful thing. Deep down, I was certain Drew knew Paige wasn’t worth her time, but it didn’t stop how she felt. She noticed how I was breathing. Her face instantly turned serious. “Hey, take it easy. Are you okay?”
I tried to say something, but my heart was galloping full speed and I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs.
“Close your eyes,” Drew said, her voice was calm and firm. “You got this. Breathe in through your nose.”
As she counted to three, I forced myself to follow her directions, blowing it out a few beats later. She breathed with me, counting softly several more times until I was breathing normally again.
“Better?” Drew patted me on the back.
I nodded. I wasn’t even remotely fine, but I had managed to avoid spiraling into a full panic attack, so that was a positive.
“Don’t let Lucy get to you. It was bitchy to bring that up.” Drew wadded up the sub wrapper into a tight ball. “She didn’t even live here when it happened, and she’s got no business acting like she’s somehow in the know.”
I nodded. I didn’t care about that at the moment. “You didn’t really just send an email to give up your space, did you?”
“No,” Drew said.
My lungs filled fully, relief streaming like cool water through every nerve.
She bounced in her hard plastic seat. “I sent my cancellation email last night! That’s what I was going to tell you. I told you I had a plan that you would flip over.”
Air stuttered in my chest. “Why?” My voice cracked.
Her face grew serious. “Lately you’ve been weird whenever we talk about New York, and I know why.” She patted my arm. “Money’s tight. Even with the cushion you’ve saved, and even if you get a job right away, you’ll have a hard time on your own, and I know you hate the idea of living with a stranger. I know I would. What kind of friend would it make me if I left you to handle this solo? This way we can pool our money and afford a better place. With what you’ve got saved and the money I’ll get from my parents, we’ll be all set.”
She had no idea. How was I going to tell her that I didn’t have any cash to pool anything? It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried to save, but every time I did, something came up. Stuff like late electric bills and a need for shoes that didn’t have a hole.
“What are your parents going to say?” I squeezed out.
Drew stood and dumped the trash on her tray into the garbage. “They’re going to be pissed, but there isn’t a thing they’ll be able to do about it now. I don’t want to live in a dorm if I can live with you.”
Shit. I had to tell her. “Listen, Drew, you can’t do this.”
“Too late. It’s already done.” She laughed and tucked her curly hair behind her ears. “The school sent me an email this morning letting me know my spot has been filled. They also sent me a list of possible apartment brokers.” She hauled me up from the seat. “We’re going to be New Yorkers together!”
Three
After school I told Drew I had stuff to do and headed to our town library. It was my favorite place on the planet. Built over a hundred years ago, with its granite blocks, scratched wooden floors, and deep-set windows, the library felt solid and permanent. It had a sense of peace, like a church without the religion.