After that, she didn’t know what to say.
She stood there as long as she could, hoping he could feel her touch, hear her breathing, understand her words. It felt like hours had passed when Mama finally pulled her away from the bed, said, “No arguments,” firmly, and led her back to her own room and helped her back into bed.
“Where’s Dad?” Leni said at last.
“He’s in jail, thanks to Marge and Tom.” She tried to smile.
“Good,” Leni said, and saw her mother flinch.
*
THE NEXT MORNING, Leni woke slowly. She had a split second of blessed amnesia, then the truth tackled her. She saw Mama slumped in a chair by the door.
“Is he alive?” Leni asked.
“He made it through the night.”
Before Leni could process this, there was a knock at the door.
Mama turned as Mr. Walker entered. He looked exhausted, as haggard and unmoored as Leni felt.
“Hey, Leni.” He pulled the trucker’s cap off his head, crushed it nervously in his big hands. His gaze moved to Mama, barely landing before it returned to Leni. A wordless conversation took place between them, excluded Leni. “Large Marge and Thelma and Tica are here. Clyde is taking care of your animals.”
“Thank you,” Mama said.
“How is Matthew?” Leni asked, struggling to sit up, wheezing at the pain in her chest.
“He’s in a medically induced coma. There’s a problem with his brain, something called shearing, and he might be paralyzed. They are going to try to wake him. See if he can breathe on his own. They don’t think he’ll be able to.”
“They think he’ll die when they unplug him?”
Mr. Walker nodded. “He’d want you there, I think.”
“Oh, Tom,” Mama said. “I don’t know. She’s hurt, and it will be too much for her to see.”
“No looking away, Mama,” Leni said, and climbed out of bed.
Mr. Walker took her arm, steadied her.
Leni looked at him. “I’m the reason he’s hurt. He tried to save me. It’s my fault.”
“He couldn’t do anything else, Leni. Not after what happened to his mom. I know my son. Even if he’d known the price, he would have tried to rescue you.”
Leni wished that made her feel better, but it didn’t.
“He loves you, Leni. I’m glad he found that.”
He was already talking as if Matthew were gone.
She let Mr. Walker lead her out of the room and down the hall. She felt her mother behind her; every now and then she would reach out, brush her fingertips against the small of Leni’s back.
They entered Matthew’s room. Alyeska was already there, with her back to the wall. “Hey, Len,” Alyeska said.
Len.
Just like her brother.
Alyeska hugged Leni. They didn’t know each other well, but tragedy created a kind of family relationship between them. “He would have tried to save you no matter what. It’s who he is.”
Leni couldn’t answer.
The door opened and three people came into the room, dragging equipment with them. In the lead was a man in a white coat; behind him were two nurses in orange scrubs.
“You’ll need to stand over there,” the doctor said to Leni and Mama. “Except for you, Dad. You come stand by the bed.”
Leni moved to the wall, stood with her back pressed to it. There was barely any distance between her and Alyeska, but it seemed like an ocean; on one shore, the sister who loved him, on the other, the girl who’d been the cause of his fall. Alyeska reached over and held Leni’s hand.
The medical team moved efficiently around Matthew’s bed, nodding and talking to one another, taking notes, checking machines, recording vital signs.
Then the doctor said, “Okay?”
Mr. Walker leaned down and whispered something to Matthew and kissed his bandaged forehead, murmured words Leni couldn’t hear. When he drew back, he was crying. He turned to the doctor and nodded.
Slowly, the tube was pulled out of Matthew’s mouth.
An alarm sounded.
Leni heard Alyeska say, “Come on, Mattie. You can do it.” She pulled away from the wall, stepped forward, brought Leni with her.
And Mr. Walker: “You’re a tough kid. Fight.”
An alarm sounded.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The nurses exchanged a knowing look.
Leni knew she shouldn’t speak, but there was no way to hold back. “Don’t leave us, Matthew … please…”
Mr. Walker gave Leni a terrible, agonized look.
Matthew took a great, gulping, gasping breath.
The alarm silenced itself.
“He’s breathing on his own,” the doctor said.
He’s back, Leni thought with a staggering relief. He’ll be fine.
“Thank God,” Mr. Walker said on a sigh.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” the doctor said, and the room went quiet. “Matthew may breathe on his own but never wake up. He may remain in a persistent vegetative state. If he does wake, he may have substantial cognitive impairment. Breathing is one thing. Life is another.”
“Don’t say that,” Leni said too softly for anyone to hear. “He might hear you.”
“He will be okay,” Aly murmured. “He’ll wake up and smile and say he’s hungry. He’s always hungry. He’ll want one of his books.”
“He’s a fighter,” Mr. Walker added.
Leni couldn’t say anything. The high she’d felt when he took that first breath had gone. Like getting to the top of a roller coaster: there was a nanosecond of pure exhilaration before the headlong plunge into fear.
*
“THEY’RE DISCHARGING YOU TODAY,” Mama said while Leni stared up at the television suspended on the wall in her hospital room. Radar was babbling some story to Hawkeye on M*A*S*H. Leni hit the off button. She’d spent years wishing she could watch TV. Now she couldn’t care less.
Really, she had trouble caring about anything except Matthew. Her emotions were impossible to access. “I don’t want to go.”
“I know,” Mama said, stroking her hair. “But we have to leave.”
“Where will we go?”
“Home. But don’t worry. Your dad’s in jail.”
Home.
Four days ago, when she’d been in that crevice with Matthew, hoping against hope that they’d be rescued before he died in her arms, she’d told herself they’d be okay. Matthew would be fine, they’d go to college together, and Mama would come to Anchorage with them, get an apartment, maybe serve drinks at Chilkoot Charlie’s and collect big tips. Two days ago, when she’d watched them pull the tube from Matthew’s mouth and seen him breathe on his own, she’d had a split second of hope, and then it had crashed on the rocks of may never wake up.
Now she saw the truth.
There would be no college for her and Matthew, no do-over as a pair of ordinary kids in love.
There was no way to lie to herself anymore, to dream of happy endings. All she could do was be there for Matthew and keep on loving him.
I think you stand by the people you love. That was what he’d said, and it was what she would do.
“Can I see Matthew before I go?”
“No. He’s got an infection in his leg. They won’t even let Tom get near him. But we’ll come back as soon as we can.”
“Okay.”
Leni felt nothing as she dressed to go home.
Nothing.
She shuffled through the hallway beside her mother, the casted arm held in close to her body, nodding at the nurses who told her goodbye.
Did she smile in acknowledgment? She didn’t think so. Even that small a thing was beyond her. This grief was unlike any emotion she’d experienced before, suffocating, weighty. It pulled the color from everything.
They found Mr. Walker in the main waiting area, pacing, drinking black coffee from a Styrofoam cup. Alyeska was seated in a chair beside him, reading a magazine. At their entrance, both tried to smile.
“I’m sorry,” Leni said to them.
Mr. Walker came closer. He touched her chin, forced her to look up. “No more of that,” he said. “We Alaskans are tough, right? Our boy will pull through. He’ll survive. You’ll see.”
But wasn’t it Alaska that had nearly killed him? How could a place be as alive as Alaska, as beautiful and cruel?
No. It wasn’t Alaska’s fault. It was hers. Leni was Matthew’s second mistake.