The quiet of his voice was worse than yelling. Leni felt a ridge of fear poke up, spread along her spine. She reached out, took the tiny blue-red organ in her hand. (Was it still beating or was she trembling?)
With her father’s narrowed gaze steady on her, she put the heart in her mouth and forced her lips to close. Instantly, she wanted to gag. The heart was slippery and slimy; when she bit down it ruptured in her mouth, tasting metallic. She felt blood trickle out of the side of her mouth.
She swallowed, gagged, wiped the blood from her lips, felt its warmth smear across her cheek.
Her father looked up, just enough to make eye contact. He looked ruined, tired, but present; in his eyes, she saw more love and sadness than should be able to exist in one human being. Something was tearing him up inside, even now. It was the other man, the bad man, who lived inside of him and tried to break out in the darkness.
“I’m trying to make you self-sufficient.”
It sounded like an apology, but for what? For being crazy sometimes or teaching her to hunt? Or for making her eat the hare’s beating heart? Or for the nightmares that ruined all their sleep?
Or maybe he was apologizing for something he hadn’t done yet but was afraid he would.
*
DECEMBER.
Dad was edgy, tense; he drank too much and muttered under his breath. The nightmares became more frequent. Three a week, every week.
He was always moving, demanding, pushing. He ate, slept, breathed, and drank survival. He had become a soldier again, or that’s what Mama said, and Leni found herself tongue-tied around him, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.
With as hard as she worked after school and on the weekends, Leni should have slept like the dead, but she didn’t. Night after night she lay awake, worrying. Her fear and anxiety about the world had been sharpened to a knifepoint.
Tonight, as exhausted as she was, she lay awake, listening for his screams. When she did finally fall asleep, she landed in a dreamscape on fire, a place full of danger—a world at war, animals being slaughtered, girls being kidnapped, men screaming and pointing guns. She screamed for Matthew, but no one could hear one girl’s voice in a falling-apart world. And besides, what good would he be? She couldn’t tell Matthew this. Not this. Some fears you carried alone.
“Leni!”
She heard her name being called from far away. Where was she? It was the middle of the night. Was she still dreaming?
Someone grabbed her, yanked her out of bed. It was real this time. A hand clamped over her mouth.
She recognized his smell. “Dad?” she said through his hand.
“Come on,” he said. “Now.”
She stumbled over to the ladder, climbed down behind him in an utter darkness.
None of the lamps were lit downstairs, but she could hear her mother breathing heavily.
Dad led Leni to the newly fixed and steady card table; guided her to a seat.
“Ernt, really—” Mama said.
“Shut up, Cora,” Dad said.
Something banged onto the table in front of Leni with a clatter and a clang. “What is it?” he said, standing right next to her.
She reached out, her fingers trailing across the rough surface of the card table.
A rifle. In pieces.
“You need better training, Leni. When TSHTF, we’ll have to do things differently. What if it’s winter? Everything might be dark. You’ll be off guard, confused, sleepy. Excuses will get you killed. I want you to be able to do everything in the dark, when you’re scared.”
“Ernt,” Mama said from the darkness, her voice uneven. “She’s just a girl. Let her go back to bed.”
“When men are starving and we have food, will they care that she’s just a girl?”
Leni heard the click of a stopwatch. “Go, Leni. Clean your weapon, put it back together.”
Leni reached out, felt for the cold pieces of the rifle, pulled them toward her. The darkness unnerved her, made her slow. She saw a match flare in the darkness, smelled a cigarette being lit.
“Stop,” Dad said. A flashlight beam erupted, blared into being, focused on the rifle. “Unacceptable. You’re dead. All of our food is gone. Maybe one of them is thinking of rape.” He grabbed the rifle, disassembled it, and pushed the pieces to the center of the table. In the blast of light, Leni saw the rifle in parts, in addition to a cleaning rod, cloths, some Hoppes 9 solvent and rust protector, a few screwdrivers. She tried to memorize where everything was.
He was right. She needed to know how to do this or she could be killed.
Concentrate.
The light clicked off. The stopwatch clicked on.
“Go.”
Leni reached out, trying to remember what she’d seen. She pulled the rifle parts toward her, assembled it quickly, screwed the scope in place. She was reaching for the cleaning cloth when the stopwatch clicked off.
“Dead,” Dad said in disgust. “Try again.”
*
YESTERDAY, on the second Saturday in December, they joined their neighbors for a tree-cutting party. They all hiked out into the wilderness and chose trees. Dad cut down an evergreen, dragged it onto their sled, and hauled it back to the cabin, where they placed it in the corner beneath the loft. They decorated it with family Polaroids and fishing lures. A few presents wrapped in yellowed pages from the Anchorage Daily Times were positioned beneath the fragrant green branches. Magic Marker lines pretended to be ribbon. The propane-fueled hanging lanterns created a warm interior, their light a sharp contrast to the still-dark morning. Wind clawed at the eaves; every now and then a tree branch smacked hard against the cabin.
Now, on Sunday afternoon, Mama was in the kitchen, making sourdough bread. The yeasty fragrance of baking bread filled the cabin. The bad weather kept them all inside. Dad was hunched over the ham radio, listening to scratchy voices, his fingers constantly working the knobs. Leni heard the staticky sound of Mad Earl’s voice, his high-pitched cackle coming through loud and clear.
Leni sat huddled on the sofa, reading the ragged paperback copy of Go Ask Alice she’d found at the dump. The world felt impossibly small here; the drapes were drawn tightly for warmth and the door was locked shut against cold and predators.
“What was that, say again, over?” Dad said. He was hunched over the ham radio, listening. “Marge, is that you?”
Leni heard Large Marge’s voice come through the radio, broken up, spangled with static. “Emergency. Lost … Search party … past Walker cabin … Meet on Mine Road. Out.”
Leni put down her book, sat up. “Who is lost? In this weather?”
“Large Marge,” Dad said. “Come in. Who is it? Who is lost? Earl, you there?”
Static.
Dad turned. “Get dressed. Someone needs help.”
Mama took the half-baked bread out of the oven and set it on the counter, covering it with a dishcloth. Leni dressed in the warmest clothes she had: Carhartt insulated pants, rolled up at the hem, parka, bunny boots. Within five minutes of the call from Large Marge, Leni was in the back of the bus, waiting for the engine to start.
It would be a while.
Finally, Dad got the windshield scraped enough to see through. Then he checked the chains and climbed into the driver’s seat. “It’s a bad day for someone to get lost.”
Dad slowly maneuvered around in the axle-deep snow, turned toward their driveway, which was a thick, unbroken layer of white without tire tracks, bracketed by snow-covered trees. Leni could see her breath; that was how cold it was inside the bus. Snow built up and disappeared on the windshield in between each swipe of the wiper blades.
As they neared town, vehicles appeared out of the curtain of falling snow in front of them, headlights glowing through the gloom. Up ahead, Leni saw amber and red lights flashing. That would be Natalie and her snowplow, leading the way onto a barely-there road that led toward the old mine.