“You really think so?” He stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. The sound of the running water was the only noise for a few seconds as we stared at one another.
“Yes, I do,” I replied as the pit of my stomach fell and my heart drummed. I followed his hand as he reached for the doorknob and locked it. His steps toward me were slow as heat curled down my spine. “Graham, please,” I begged, although I didn’t know if I was begging for him to stay or go.
“I need you,” he whispered. He was in front of me, his stare locked with mine, and even though he hadn’t touched me yet, I felt his entire being. “Please,” he begged back, his thumb tilting my chin up as he bit his bottom lip. “Don’t leave me.” His hands grasped my behind through the towel and my breath hitched. His mouth grazed down my neck and he whispered between kisses as he lifted me up, forcing me to drop my towel to the floor. “Stay with me. Please, Lucy, just stay.”
I knew how hard that was for him—to ask for someone to stay—but I also knew the reasons why I couldn’t.
My mind sizzled as he held my body against his and stepped over the edge of the tub, forcing the shower to rain over us. His lips bit against my breast before he took my nipple into his mouth, sucking it hard. My mind fogged as he shoved my back against the shower wall, his clothes getting soaked and clinging to his skin.
“Gra…” I felt dizzy, faint, happy, high. So high…
His fingers moved down my chest, down my stomach, and he slid them inside me with need, with want, with ache. “Don’t leave me, Lucille, please. I can’t lose you,” he whispered against my lips before discovering my mouth with his tongue. “I need you more than you know. I need you.”
Everything quickened—his motions, his grips, his fingers, his tongue. I hurriedly unbuckled his jeans, sending them to the bottom of the tub, and stroked his hardness through his soaked boxers. When those were removed, he pulled his fingers from my core and locked eyes with me.
We made a choice that we added to our list of mistakes. We used each other’s bodies to get high. We soared as we touched, moaned, and begged. I ascended as he lifted my butt cheeks and slammed me against the tiled wall. I cried out as he slid his hardness into me, inch by inch, filling me with indescribable warmth. He kissed like heaven and made love like sin. As the water fell around us, I silently prayed for this to be mine, Graham and me, forever and always. My heart told me I’d love him for all time. My brain told me I only had a few more moments and that I should enjoy each one, but my gut…
My gut told me I had to let go.
As he continued making love to every inch of my body, he moved his lips to the edge of my ear. His warm breaths brushed against me as he spoke. “Air above me…” He grasped one of my breasts in his hand and lightly pinched my nipple. “Earth below me…”
“Graham,” I muttered, dazed, confused, in guilt, in love.
He wrapped his fingers in my hair and slightly pulled it, putting a curve in my neck. A spark shot down my spine as he began sucking my skin. “Fire within me…” He continued sliding his hardness deeper and harder into me, taking control of his speed, taking control of his desires, taking control of our love. He moved me to the other wall, and the steaming water slapped against us as I moaned his name and he moaned his words against my neck. “Water surround me…”
“Please,” I begged, floating on the edge of make-believe, feeling the final buildup of our final mistake as he placed one hand against the wall and one hand around my waist. His arms were tight, each muscle defined with tight, sharp lines. We locked eyes and my body began to shake. I was so close…so close to pure ecstasy, so close to our final goodbye. “Please, Graham,” I muttered, unsure if I was begging for him to let me go or to hold me forever.
His mouth slammed against mine, kissing me harder than we’d ever kissed before, and I could tell as his tongue danced with mine, as he sucked me with his hurts and his love, that he also knew how close we were to goodbye. He, too, was trying to hold on to the high that was already slipping to the ground.
He kissed me to say goodbye, and I kissed him to pray for more seconds. He kissed me to give me his love, and I kissed him to give him mine. He kissed me with his always, and I kissed him with my forever.
Right after we soared to our highest heights, we descended and crashed to our lowest lows—but not before his air became my breaths, not before his earth became my ground. His flames were my fire, his thirst was my water, and his spirit?
His spirit became my soul.
Then, we prepared ourselves for goodbye.
“I didn’t think it would be this hard,” I whispered, hearing Graham’s footsteps behind me as I stood in Talon’s bedroom, where she slept peacefully. The idea that I wouldn’t be there to watch her grow up made my chest ache more than ever.
“You can wake her,” Graham told me as he leaned against the doorframe.
“No.” I shook my head. “If I see those eyes of hers, I’ll never be able to leave.” I wiped away the tears that fell from my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to face Graham. As we looked at one another, we both wanted nothing more than to stay together, to be a family, to be one.
But sometimes what one wanted wasn’t what one received.
“Your taxi is here, but I can still take you to the airport,” he offered.
I had finally taken the leap and cashed in all the coins from the negative jars I’d collected over the years. I was taking the trip to Europe that Mari and I had always dreamed of. I had to get away, as far away as I could, because I knew if my heart was still on the same continent as Graham, I’d find my way back to him.
“No, it’s okay, really. It’s easier this way.” I placed my fingers against my lips, kissed them, and then placed them on Talon’s forehead. “I love you more than the wind loves the trees, sweet girl, and I’m always here for you, even when you don’t see me.”
As I took steps toward Graham, he moved in closer as if he were going to hug me, to try to take away my grief, but I wouldn’t allow it. I knew if I fell into his arms again, I’d beg him to never let me go. He helped me carry my luggage out of the house and loaded it into the car.
“I won’t say goodbye,” he told me, taking my hands in his. He brought the palms of my hands to his lips and kissed them gently. “I refuse to say goodbye to you.” He released his grasp and walked back to the porch, and right as I went to open the door to the taxi, he called my way. When his lips parted, he said, “What’s the secret, Lucille?”
“The secret?”
“To your tea—what’s the secret ingredient?”