Standing there in my bra and knickers, I turned to my left and was pleased to see how flat my stomach had become. I rubbed my fingers up and down it, and tried to pinch excess weight from my sides but there was very little left. The stress diet had been much more effective than the amphetamines in my slimming tablets.
One after the other, I slipped on each of the five dresses I’d picked from the shop’s rails, and was over the moon that I could now comfortably fit into a size eight. I removed the pliers from my pocket, snapped the security label from the one I favoured and wrapped the dress in a bag, then placed it in my handbag. I handed the unwanted ones to the clueless shop assistant who’d now appeared, thanked her and left.
I walked along the second floor of the shopping centre, down an escalator, across the ground floor and then back up the stairs, before returning down the escalator again. All the time, I kept checking the reflection in the shop windows and glass doors to ensure no one was following me. Reassured I was alone, I began to relax and made my way back to the car. I’d waited twenty minutes in Abington Street for a place to park, because being in an open space was wiser than a multistorey car park where it’s easy to hide between vehicles. I would never allow Steven to corner me in an enclosed space again.
Whenever I visited the town centre, I kept an eye out for Olly. Sometimes he’d hung around outside the office in the hope he’d catch me; other times I’d go and find him in his regular haunts near the bus station. But since he’d discharged himself from hospital, I hadn’t seen hide nor hair of him, and I began to fear the worst.
I forced myself to think about something happier, and smiled for a moment as I drove, pleased with my new outfit. The dress was going to say everything I needed it to. It was sensible but not too mumsy, and revealed just enough of my legs and toned arms to convince me that Tony would notice the effort I’d made for a meeting with Effie’s head of year.
Since my ‘attack’, Tony had shown more interest in my well-being than for as long as I could remember. He’d been seeing me as I wanted him to see me – a vulnerable woman who still needed the security he’d given me when we first met as teenagers. If only I’d thought about falsifying an attack a couple of years earlier, maybe I’d have no gap to bridge at all. Still, what was done was done, and although he hadn’t returned to our bedroom yet, it would only be a matter of time.
For the first couple of weeks, he’d arranged for the girls to stay with his parents so they weren’t scared by my injuries. Then he’d spent time alone with them to give me space to heal, mentally and physically.
However, I was surprised he hadn’t mentioned us going together to the school. The email reminder they’d sent had arrived in my account – the first time they’d contacted me. But Tony had said nothing about it. Maybe he didn’t want to put any undue pressure on me after what I’d been through.
Alice was an easy child to look after, obedient and eager to please. However, Effie was, by all accounts, proving to be a handful at school. Again, I only found out through emailed summaries of meetings Tony had attended with her teachers, none of which I’d been invited to.
Tony had insisted she be transferred to St Giles Upper School for reasons never fully explained to me. At the time, I’d been preoccupied with my cancer treatment, so I left it to his best judgement. However, her grades had slipped dramatically over the last few months. She’d dropped from solid As to Cs and Ds, and apparently her attitude had deteriorated, too. She’d grown more argumentative and moodier with teachers. She was no longer participating in after-school activities like hockey or drama, and she’d become distant from the friends she’d made.
That surprised me the most, as she’d always been such a popular girl in her last school. Ever since she was little, I was forever telling her ‘no’ when she asked to invite her friends around for tea. Then I did the same with Alice. Children brought with them sticky fingers on walls, head lice, snot, scabs on legs, repetition, neediness, smells, noise, relentless never-ending questions, chaos, stomach bugs, clutter, broken ornaments and unflushed toilets. So, I encouraged the girls to spend time at their friends’ houses instead.
Either my attack had affected Effie more than I thought, or something else was wrong and neither Tony nor her teachers could get to the bottom of the problem. I was being kept on the sidelines of my own daughter’s life. It was frustrating, to say the least. I knew Tony was doing what he thought best by shielding me, but she needed her mother right now. My presence at that meeting would show Tony I was strong enough to co-parent again. Maybe then he might fall back in love with me.
On my arrival at home, I went through my usual routine of spending the first ten minutes waiting outside in the car, my eyes flitting from window to window, looking for any warning signs like sudden changes of light or shadows between the blinds. Steven knew where I lived, and the thought of him being inside my home, waiting for me, made me nauseous.
I could just about see the figure of a tightly balled-up cat asleep on the windowsill. Bieber had grown useful of late, if for no other reason than his impeccable hearing and loud meow that warned me of any sudden noises or movements outside.
Once inside, I turned off the burglar alarm, locked the door and took the bread knife from the drawer in the hall table, then silently padded from room to room. I looked behind doors, drawn curtains, wardrobes and under beds. Only when I was sure I was alone could I relax.
Tony’s face was a picture when he spotted me across the school reception area. It creased with surprise before he regained his composure. The effort I’d made to look my best hadn’t gone unnoticed.
‘What are you doing here?’ he asked, approaching me. He sounded irritated, which confused me.
‘What do you think?’ I replied. ‘Do you like my dress? I got it especially for tonight.’ I pulled my stomach in and gave him a twirl.
‘I don’t care about your dress,’ he barked. ‘We had an agreement. You don’t come to anything like this, I do.’
‘But it’s time I started. She’s my daughter, Tony. There’s something going on with Effie that you’ve been hiding from me and, as her mother, I deserve to know.’
‘Really?’ he replied. ‘You honestly think that? You think either of the girls actually need you?’
I took a step back, willing myself not to get upset. ‘Why are you being so horrible? I thought that since what happened to me, we’d become closer. We were feeling more like a family again and now you’re treating me like I’m not welcome.’
‘Laura, we have been through this a dozen times.’ Tony sounded exasperated. ‘You and I . . . we are never going to happen. Our family isn’t what you’ve convinced yourself it is.’
My heart felt like it wanted to pound its way out of my chest and I clenched my fists. ‘No,’ I replied. ‘I don’t accept that.’