He was walking uptown, lost in such morbid thoughts, and though the sunshine was bright he had the sense of being enclosed in darkness—of being, to be precise, brightly illuminated by a spotlight exposing him to the scrutiny and judgment of all, but surrounded by a black miasma that made it impossible for him to make out the faces of his judges. Only when he arrived at the door of his father’s house did he realize that his feet had brought him back to Macdougal Street. He fumbled in his pocket for the key and went indoors, hoping not to have to face his family. He wasn’t ready. He was not himself. If they saw him maybe they would see his metamorphosis written all over his body and cry out in horror, Ungeziefer! He wasn’t ready for that.
How strange the interior of the house seemed to him now! This was not only for the obvious reason, namely that his father’s mistress Vasilisa Arsenyeva had embarked upon a radical “modernizing” scheme of redecorations as soon as she moved in, thus stepping up a rung on the ladder of intimacy to the status of “live-in lover.” The fourth finger of her left hand was still bare, but, all the Golden sons agreed, it would probably not be long until a diamond sparkled there, and after the diamond, a band of gold would surely also appear. Certainly she had begun to behave proprietorially. The whole mansion had been repainted in a chic oyster gray color and everything old had been or was being replaced by everything new and “high-end”—the furniture, the rugs, the art, the lighting fixtures, the table lamps, the ashtrays, the picture frames. D had asked that his room be left untouched and she had respected that, so something, at least, was familiar. But he knew that his feeling of strangeness did not have its origins in the redecoration, but in himself. If, as he moved through the hallway and up the stairs, a mood of foreboding came over him, a sense that everything was about to change and that the change would be a kind of calamity, then the reason for his premonition was not to be found in oyster paint or silver velour sectional settees, it was not hanging in the new living room drapes or glowing in the new dining room chandelier or flickering in the new gas fireplaces whose flames in winter would heat up a bed of pebbles which would glitter with fashionable delight. It was true that this renewed environment was no longer the old-school, lived-in world Nero Golden had created for them to inhabit when they first arrived. It was possessed of a disturbing, ersatz otherness which the earlier version, also a kind of imitation of life, had somehow avoided. But no! It wasn’t the house. The change was in himself. He himself was the darkness he felt around him, he was the force pulling the walls closer, the ceilings lower, like a house in a horror movie, and creating an air of oppression and claustrophobia. The house, to tell the truth, was much brighter than before. It was he who had grown dark.
He was running from the thing he also knew he was moving toward. He knew it was coming, but that didn’t mean he liked it. He hated it, there was no escaping the fact, and that created the storm that surrounded him now. He wanted to go into his room and shut the door. He wanted to disappear.
When I think about D at this critical juncture I am reminded of Theodor W. Adorno: “The highest form of morality is not to feel at home in your own home.” Yes, to be uncomfortable with comfort, uneasy about the easy, to question the assumptions of what is usually, and happily, taken for granted, to make of oneself a challenge to what for most people is the space in which they feel free from challenges; yes! That is morality raised to a pitch at which it could almost be called heroism. In this instance D Golden’s “home” was an even more intimate space than the family house; it was nothing less than his own body. He was a misfit in his own skin, experiencing, in intense form, this newly important variation of the mind/body problem. His nonphysical self, the mind, was beginning to insist on being what the body, his physical self, denied, and the result was physical and mental agony.
The Golden house was silent. He stood for a moment on the second-floor landing outside his father’s master suite. That door was closed, but the door of the room next to it, formerly a spare bedroom, now Vasilisa Arsenyeva’s dressing room, stood open, revealing in the late afternoon sunlight rack upon rack of shimmering gowns, shelf upon shelf of aggressively high heels. That’s going to be a problem for me, the words dropping into his consciousness from some unknown mother ship hovering just outside the atmosphere beyond the Kármán line, your pedal extremities are colossal, can’t use you ’cause your feet’s too big, I really hate you ’cause your feet’s too big. Yeah, Fats Waller, what you said. And now those big feet have walked him, of their own volition, right into the middle of that room where the scent of patchouli is stronger than anywhere else in the house, the scent she brought here to overpower all the scents that were here before, Vasilisa Arsenyeva, silent and haughty as cats are, leaving her spoor wherever she walks. And his hands are reaching out for those gowns, he’s burying his face in the odorous sequins, breathing in, breathing out, breathing in. The darkness around him receded; the room glowed with a light that might even have been happiness.
How long was he in there? Five minutes or five hours? He had no idea, so many emotions crowding in, his whole self a swirl of confusion, but how good it felt, how fine the fabric against his cheek, how astonishing the sensation of, of glamour, how could he deny that, and what followed from it, what was the right next step.
Then Vasilisa was standing in the doorway, watching him. “Can I help you,” she said.
Can I help you, really?, as if this was a department store and she was accusing him of shoplifting, so passive-aggressive, standing there so calm and even smiling slightly, don’t condescend to me, lady, can I help you, no, probably not. Okay, he’s in her closet, he’s nuzzling her frocks, this is true, but still, it’s not right. Or maybe this is just a language problem, maybe it’s a question she learned from a phrasebook, she doesn’t understand about inflections, either, ask the question that way and it sounds hostile when maybe, can it be, she meant it literally, she literally wants to help me and is asking how, she’s not judging me or angry and is actually holding out a hand to help, I don’t want to misread her here, the situation is embarrassing enough already, but yes, she’s coming right up to me and now she’s hugging me, and here’s another phrasebook phrase, “Let’s see what we can do for you.”
Vasilisa began pulling out stuff and holding it up against him, this one? this one?, she asked, and reassuringly, “You and I we are similar,” she said, “in the shape. Willowy, is that a word.” Yes, he nodded, it was a word. “Willowy like the willow tree,” she went on, herself reassured by the confirmation. “Your mother must have been tall and slim, like a fashion model.”
He stiffened. “My mother was a whore,” he said. He had begun to tremble. “She sold me to my father and vanished into Whoreistan.”
“Shh, shh,” she said. “Shh now. That is for another day. Just now it is a moment for you. Try this one.”
“I can’t. I don’t want to spoil your clothes.”
“It doesn’t matter. I have so many. Here, take off your shirt, slip this over your head. You see, only a little tight. What do you think?”
“Can I try that one?”