“No.” I was adamant. “It’s not your fault.”
There was a spot on the doorframe where the paint had chipped, and he was picking at it. I wouldn’t ask him to stop. A fragile white chip of paint fluttered to the floor. “Are you gonna tell Dad?”
“No,” I said. “You’re an adult. You choose what you want to tell your dad.”
“Thanks, Mom,” he said, relieved.
“Is Mom in there?” Cam said.
Jed looked at his brother. His nose in profile reminded me of Chuck’s.
Cam peered over Jed’s shoulder. “Hi, Mom,” he said, cautious, which meant that Jed had told him.
“Come in here, babies,” I said.
They sat cross-legged on the floor under the blue Waverider flag Cam had tacked to the wall. I didn’t move from the bed.
“Are you okay, Mom?” Cam asked.
“I’m fine, honey,” I said. “I will be fine.” I rolled onto my back, touched my forehead. I blinked at the popcorn ceiling. I waited for a piece of it to fall. “So much has happened in the last few months.”
“Dude,” Jed sighed, “so much.”
I turned to face them. My twins. My innocent little baby men. How Cam used to have this dark freckle by his nose when he was young, and how now you could barely see it.
“Was school okay?” I asked.
Cam looked at Jed. Jed tugged his shirt.
“Liko told everyone on the team Tom and I are gay,” Cam said, “so no one wants to change in front of us now. And he told everyone Jed—”
“Don’t tell her.” Jed slapped his brother’s leg.
“Tell me what?”
“It’s stupid,” Jed said, his shorn head hanging low.
“He told everyone Jed’s gay, too,” Cam said fast, and held up his hands to shield himself from Jed, but Jed didn’t hit him again.
“I hate that guy,” Jed said, and hit his fist on the carpet a few times.
“I want to quit the team,” Cam said.
“We’re not going to get scholarships if we quit though,” Jed said. Hand on the back of his head, rubbing against the grain, feeling this new landscape. It reminded me of when he’d gotten braces and he couldn’t stop licking his teeth. Cam had done the same thing.
“I assume you didn’t tell your coach,” I said.
“Nah, Mom, we can’t.” Jed was pulling at the carpet now. “I miss Clairemont,” he mumbled, as though he didn’t want it to be true.
“Do you miss it, Cam?” I asked.
“Yes and no,” Cam said.
“You have a boyfriend here, dude, that’s why you like it,” Jed said.
“True,” Cam said.
“Whatever, Mom, we can handle it,” Jed said. “The season’s almost over anyway.”
“Only six more weeks till Christmas break,” Cam said.
“Five and a half actually,” Jed corrected.
“Oh good,” Cam said, looking too relieved.
The front door clapped shut. “Boys?” Chuck called.
Their worried faces. They didn’t know the details, but knowing their parents were sleeping in separate houses was enough.
“Boys?” Chuck said again, and then he was there in the doorway, rubbing the chipped spot on the frame.
“Hi, Nancy,” he said, solemn. He took off his hat, ran a hand through his hair. He looked good.
“Hi,” I said. I rubbed the fabric of the pillowcase between my fingers. I curled my legs into what I hoped was a more attractive position. I wanted Chuck to love me again. I wanted him to love me more. “Will you join us?” I sat up to make room for him on the bed.
“No, don’t move, it’s fine. I’ll sit on the floor,” he said, and sat next to Cam so it was the three of them, all my family, sitting cross-legged in front of me in a row.
Jed was rubbing his head again, and Chuck asked, “How does it feel?”
“Like I’m exposed,” he said, and I wondered if that’s what she had told him. You will be exposed to the world now.
Chuck slid his hand across the top of Jed’s head and said, “I like it.”
“I like it, too,” Cam agreed.
“You should shave yours, Cam,” Jed said.
“No,” Cam said. “I don’t think it’s my thing.”
“Fine,” Jed laughed, “it’ll be my thing.”
I could tell this made him uncomfortable—the idea that they would have their own “things.”
“So, boys,” Chuck patted his knees, “can we discuss the shed?”
“Dad,” Cam groaned.
Jed’s head slumped forward.
Chuck laughed. “I was actually coming to tell you we should abandon that project.”
Jed’s head shot back up. “Yes!”
“Yes,” Cam echoed.
Jed hit his fist on the floor. “Let’s burn it,” he said.
Was he kidding?
Chuck let that sink in. And then he hit his fist on the floor. “Good idea,” he said, “let’s burn it.” He never could resist the opportunity to be Cool Dad. “Wait, Nancy, is that okay with you?”
“I don’t care,” I said.
“Seriously, Mom?” Cam asked.
“Burn it down,” I said.
“Mom, you’re a boss,” Jed said.
All three of them had their eyes on me. This is when, Nancy. This is when you tell them. “I have to tell you all something,” I said before I had time to think.
Their expectant faces. All of their eyes that bright unfiltered blue. They waited. And waited. And then Jed couldn’t wait anymore. “What is it?”
I was touching something. Something in my hand. The necklace. I pressed the yin or the yang or whatever it was between my fingers. Hard and then harder, until the point of the apostrophe dug into my thumb, until I was in pain.
I am your projection, she had said.
“Nancy?” Chuck asked.
There was an accident.
We—
She—
It was in this moment that I knew I’d never tell them. I’d never tell anyone. It would become one more thing to carry. But I was strong. And everyone thought I was so nice. I knew I could do it.
Finally, I spoke. “Ana’s gone,” I said.
Chuck tried to sound concerned when he said, “Are you good with that?” Or maybe he really was concerned.
I sighed. “I am.”
“Where’d she go?” Cam asked.
“The hospital.”
“Is she dead?” Jed’s bewildered eyes.
“No,” I said, “and she doesn’t have cancer.”
“What?” the twins said at the same time.
“What?” Chuck echoed.
“She lied about that.” I unclasped the necklace. It came off easily. I looked at it in my palm. The cheap fake silver had turned green in blotches.
“What?” Jed’s fist on the floor. “Why would she lie about that though? That makes no sense! What a psycho!”
“I thought she was kind of crazy,” Cam said. “But I liked her, too.”
Then Chuck surprised me by saying the right thing. “I’m sorry, Nancy. I know she meant a lot to you.”
I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but we weren’t there yet. “Thank you, Chuck.”
“Dude, Hawaii is full of crazies,” Jed said.
“Word,” Cam said.
“The boys are having some issues at school,” I told Chuck.
“What issues?” Chuck asked, concerned.
“I’ll let them tell you,” I said, “if they want to.”
Jed winced. “It’s bad.”
“Especially at practice,” Cam said.
“We miss Clairemont,” Jed said.
“I do, too,” Chuck said. “But things weren’t perfect at Clairemont either. Remember number nine? Steve?”
Cam recoiled. “Steve.”
“Steve sucked,” Jed said, “but this sucks worse.”