The Girl Who Dared to Think (The Girl Who Dared #1)

Eventually, I got it off and tossed it over a bench in the locker area. My limbs felt twitchy, like they should be moving, should be doing something. I tried to shake them out, but the more I moved them, the worse it felt—like my skin was too tight and I was a stranger to my own body, to everything.

Oh, God... Zoe. I leaned against the cool tile wall and then slid down it, resting my butt on the floor. Dropping my head into my hands, I began to sob, unable to hold it back anymore. My best friend was going to die. I was going to lose her forever. All because I couldn’t bring myself to risk my new friends in the process of helping her.

I jerked when a hand slid onto my shoulder, and looked up. Tian looked down at me, her eyebrows drawn together over her blue eyes. I immediately started scrubbing my cheeks with the heel of my hand, sniffling hard.

“Tian,” I said, my voice coming out thick and raw. “What are you—?”

“Why are you crying?” the young girl demanded, her eyes sparkling with empathy. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, still very much on the verge of breaking. “No—there’s nothing you can do, Tian.”

“Yes, there is!” Tian said, and I looked up at her blankly, unable to even imagine what she could possibly be talking about. “I can listen.”

I shook my head again. There was no reason for her to know any of this, and I wasn’t going to burden her with my problems. “Tian, it’s really okay. I’m—”

“Worried about your friend,” she finished for me. “I know—her name is Zoe, right? She has a pretty name.”

I almost broke down again. I couldn’t help it, and I couldn’t seem to get a grip, but it hurt so much, even just talking about her. “It’s because she’s a pretty person. Just like you—inside and out.”

“Nobody is just like me,” Tian said primly, her little shoulders wriggling up and down. She sat down next to me on the floor and leaned her head onto my shoulder. “But I really want to meet her anyway.”

“I want you to meet her, too,” I whispered, a tear slipping free. I wiped it away, trying hard not to lose it again, and Tian shifted.

“Cali still wants you to wait?”

I nodded. “She’s trying to keep you all safe, and I can understand that.”

“But your friend needs help now?”

I hesitated. “Tian, it’s complicated.”

She gave me a crooked smile, her eyes shining brightly. “You think so? Because I don’t. I think that if your friends need help, you should go help them.”

“But it’s dangerous. I’d be risking six other lives for the sake of one.”

Tian gave me a sad little smile, suddenly looking wise beyond her years. “It’s always dangerous. Even when it’s Cali or Maddox—they are always worried about bringing someone back. But they’re careful. You’re careful. I trust you. So do the rest of us.”

“This is how I break their trust, Tian,” I said. “And what if someone follows me back here?”

“We’ll deal with it. I’ll help.” Tian leaned back into me, and I lifted my arm to let the girl rest against my side, settling it in on her shoulder. “Besides, I like having new friends around—I wish Cali had let more people stay with us long ago.”

I smiled and stroked Tian’s hair, feeling some of the storm clouds ease. Tian’s blanket approval wasn’t the same as getting permission, and it wasn’t even like I was getting approval from a person of authority, but... it helped make me feel better about what I had to do.

Because of course I had to help Zoe. I just had to make sure that I kept the people here as safe as possible in the process.



Hours later, after everyone had said their goodnights, and long after all the lights inside had dimmed to near darkness, I sat up in my hammock and slid out of it, the fabric rustling against my clothes. I looked over at Grey’s hammock, highlighted only by the ambient light, and saw that it remained motionless, his body a still, shapeless lump.

I crept quietly past him, making my footsteps as soft as possible, and quickly grabbed my gear. I knew he’d be mad at me for going without him, but I was already risking too much on this. If I got caught, then it was on me. I couldn’t risk another person I cared about on this harebrained idea. I just hoped he would forgive me.

I had set my gear aside last night after talking to Tian, in preparation for this. Sitting with it was my crimson uniform, modified baton, and lash harness. The only thing I needed was Paragon.

And a whole lot of luck.

Alex had told me my net had been deactivated, but that only meant it wasn’t actively connecting to the servers. The device was still alive in my skull, and ran the risk of getting picked up by scanners if I wasn’t careful enough.

I knew this was dangerous. I knew what it would mean if I got caught.

Zoe was worth the risk.

As quietly as humanly possible, I picked up my gear and started getting dressed. I began with the lash harness, and then the uniform, pausing only to run the lash ends into place. I zipped up the front and smoothed it down, then tucked my baton into the loop.

Putting on the uniform, even after having been out of it for only a short amount of time, felt wrong, but it wasn’t hard to realize why. I didn’t belong to the Knights any more than I belonged to the Tower.

I belonged here. I knew what I was doing was jeopardizing their safety, but I couldn’t let Zoe die. I just hoped they could find it in them to forgive me after everything was said and done. Because even though I’d known them only for a short amount of time, I didn’t want to lose them so soon.

I couldn’t bring the Knights down on their heads. I just couldn’t. It was six lives to Zoe’s one, and I knew that this wasn’t the right choice, but the emotional one. But I couldn’t stop it. I just had to make one hundred percent sure I didn’t bring anyone back—except for maybe Zoe.

If I could do that, then, hopefully, they’d accept my apology for betraying them in the first place.

Number one on my future apology list was Roark, and I crept into his makeshift room amidst the machines and looked around. I typically didn’t come into this area, out of respect for his privacy, but I needed Paragon, and I needed it now.

The pills were set up on a table next to his bed, as was all the equipment we’d been able to carry from his house. I moved over to it, treading as silently as possible, while the old man snored in his hammock. And though I was familiar with the sound, every time he made a noise, I felt close to coming out of my skin.

I was being ridiculous, and this was critical.

I finished crossing the room and began picking up pill bottles, looking for the right label.

The fourth bottle I picked up was labeled “Paragon 5,” and I quickly popped open the lid, hoping that the “5” meant it was the rank it got someone to.