The Girl Who Dared to Think (The Girl Who Dared #1)

I couldn’t remember walking back to the elevator. Nor getting off at my level and entering my home. I didn’t remember taking off my uniform, crumpling it into a ball, and tossing it away. All I could remember was feeling cold, like an icy needle had been plunged into my heart and frostbite was radiating down into the rest of me, threatening to petrify me to a block of ice.

I came to in my bed, the blankets hauled up over my head and my knees drawn to my chest. The reality was there, unforgotten, but somehow I managed to channel the ice that had been threatening to freeze me earlier into some semblance of control.

“Contact Alex Castell, IT47-4B,” I said aloud, tapping the indicator with my finger, and I felt the net buzz under my command. It was dangerous to reach out this way, but I had to trust that Alex would immediately delete the conversation between us as soon as it was finished. He would’ve done it last time, after mentioning the problem with Scipio. And he would do it again.

The net buzzed, and then a soft computer voice informed me that he was unavailable. I felt a burn of annoyance—he could always remotely activate my indicator to connect his call, but, I didn’t have that ability, which meant, to be fair, he needed to take the damn net whenever it was me. I almost tried again, but stopped when I realized that if I pushed too hard it would draw too much attention. I canceled the order and ran a hand down my face, trying to think of a way to get in touch with him without drawing attention to myself.

A soft knock on the door sounded, and I looked up, my heartbeat increasing. Gerome changed his mind and is making me do it tonight, I thought, and I trembled and scooted away from the door.

“Liana?” My mother’s voice was muffled through the door, but I was instantly relieved to hear it. She’ll know what to do.

I got up and crossed over to the door. I almost threw it open immediately, but caution held me back. I couldn’t explain it, but something told me to wait to see what my mother wanted before blurting out the problems I had with what I had seen today.

I pushed the button, and the door slid open, revealing both my parents standing there, their faces expectant. I was immediately on guard.

“Aren’t you both supposed to be on duty?” I asked, realizing the time.

They looked at one another, then smiled at me.

“Gerome told us you were performing your first expulsion today,” my mother said, and I blanched.

“We wanted to be here for you when you got home, but it seems you beat us here,” my father said, his voice soft. He stepped forward, his eyes careful but undeniably excited. “How did it go?”

I stared at them, too horrified to speak. They knew. They did it.

“With Gerome,” my father added, tilting his head. “Did I get the day wrong?”

“No, dear,” my mother said. “It was today. Gerome netted me a confirmation.” She angled her head toward me. “Did something come up?”

“No.” It was easy enough to get the word out, because I was screaming it on the inside. There was a bitterness to it, if I thought about it. Of course they knew about it. Of course they had done it. They were Knight Commanders, and Gerome’s equals (although Father had trained him). They had always known. Why else would they be so eager to put me in the Medica? They had known the fate that would have been in store for me if I hadn’t improved my ranking. If I hadn’t met Grey and gotten those pills. And now he was going to die, and they expected me to kill him.

“I didn’t do it,” I finally told them, my gaze meeting theirs headlong in open challenge.

My mother’s eyes flashed in alarm at the defiance I’m sure she saw there, but my father nodded sympathetically. “Gerome had a hard time at first, as well,” he said. “He’s a compassionate man, as you are a compassionate young girl. Believe me, dear, after this time you don’t ever have to do it again, if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t?” I asked. “Then what if I don’t want to hurt anyone the first time? Dad, this is wrong.”

“No, this is as Scipio has ordered.”

“It’s murder,” I spat, and once again I was rewarded with the fiery brand of a hand across my cheek. And she didn’t hold back.

“I am ashamed of you,” my mother declared. “You don’t even know all the tragedies this Tower has suffered because of a one’s plot to destroy it. Black lung, a virus created in the first fifty years of the Tower, cost us half the population, most of them children. A one created it. You think when Scipio finally made the decision to start doing this we weren’t all shocked by it? That I wasn’t appalled? But this is the bottom line. This is who we are. We serve this Tower, and we keep it safe, by any means necessary.”

I stared at her for a long moment, and then looked away. She must’ve interpreted it as a sign of me backing down, but in reality, I just couldn’t look at her anymore without feeling like I was looking at a monster.

“I’m sorry I hit you, Liana,” my mother said after a pause, her breath coming out as a tired sigh. “I know this isn’t easy for you, but this is what you must do to join the Knights and fulfill your duty to Scipio. He clearly has faith you can do it, so take the time you need, and then do your job. If you cannot, then there will be no home for you in the Citadel, and we will be powerless to help you once you leave for another department. Do you understand?”

I met her gaze long enough to nod once, and then my hand reached out and slapped the button, shutting the door between us. I heard a muffled exchange of their voices, followed by the sound of them walking away, and flicked on the magnetic lock.

I walked back over to my bed. Sat on it. Crossed my legs and started to think about what I could do. With Alex unavailable, I had to figure out a way to break Grey out by myself.

The only way to get them to spare him was to get his number up. I looked over at the bottle of pills he had given me. If I could get one inside, then maybe...

I dismissed the thought immediately. His ranking would never naturally go up that high under those conditions. It wouldn’t be believable, and they could kill him anyway.

That meant another trip to Cogstown to talk to Roark. I doubted the old man wanted to see me again, but I was fairly certain I was going to need his help. Which meant I needed to involve Zoe.

Which meant I needed to tell her everything.

I sighed and turned toward the window, looking at the view outside, but only seeing the woman’s eyes waiting for me. I put my hand against the window, and as I did so the nine there flickered, blurring... and then cracked. A one appeared on my wrist, bright and red and angry. It took me a moment to realize what was about to happen, and then I was fumbling for the bottle, opening it and spilling several pills into my hands. I got one in my mouth and dry swallowed, then held up my wrist and stared at it.