The Gender End (The Gender Game #7)

“No, but I recently overheard Dr. Tierney saying she was running around like a madwoman, trying to set things up,” Owen commented, moving over to the bed and sitting down on it, the springs squeaking under his weight. “Amber too.”

“Great,” I said, fiddling with the uniform in an attempt to try to perfect it, even though it was as close to perfect as it was ever going to be.

Henrik came over and gently pushed my hands away, his eyes taking in the uniform and then tugging a few things here and there. “It’s too bad you don’t have any insignia here,” he said as he brushed off my shoulders. “It would really complete the look.”

“I’m glad there aren’t any,” I said quietly, and he looked up at me in surprise. “That life feels like forever ago… like part of a terrible dream I was half-stumbling through. Violet didn’t fall in love with a warden. She fell in love with me.”

Henrik smiled gently, and nodded. “She’s a good woman, Viggo. And soon she’ll be your wife, for as long as you both shall live. I’m excited for you both to be getting this start now, instead of waiting. You both need it after everything—”

Henrik’s continuing words of reassurance disappeared behind the strange ringing that had started in my ears when he said “for as long as you both shall live.” Softly at first, then louder and louder. Miriam’s face flashed into my mind, as unexpected an interloper as I could ever receive at this moment, and one that made me feel a stab of guilt, made my heartbeat race and my chest begin to tighten.

I wasn’t sure how I managed it, but I somehow excused myself from Henrik and moved to the door in a daze, stepping through it and closing it behind me. In the dark hall, I paced back and forth for a moment, trying to shake out the nervous tension now brewing all along my muscles, before finally coming to a stop in front of a wall, leaning my arm against it, my forehead resting on my forearm.

I struggled to breathe, forcing a slow breath of air past the half-seized up shuddering of my lungs and down deep into my stomach. Except even my stomach felt rigid and unyielding, too small for even the tiniest gulp of air, and I found myself fighting back an extreme urge to put my fist through something breakable.

“Viggo?”

Looking over without bothering to lift my head, I saw Alejandro standing behind me, holding the temporary cast protecting one hand with the other one, supporting it at the wrist.

“Hey,” I said, trying to keep my breathing steady and failing miserably. I clenched my hand into a fist. I had to say something… something normal. “No surgery yet?”

“The doc wanted to use some of that special stuff Violet brought back from The Outlands on my hand first. Something about wanting to see if it could repair some of the smaller damaged bones first, because then there’d be a chance surgery would help repair the rest, and I’d get better use of my hand.”

“That’s great news,” I said. I wasn’t sure if it was. I had tried to listen, I really had, but my mind was consumed with Miriam. Our wedding. How we had promised to be with each other forever. Then a stupid fight had led to catastrophe… and now she was dead, and I was about to marry someone else. How cruel I was to her memory.

Alejandro shifted, and then leaned a shoulder into the wall next to me, his sharp blue eyes squinting as he took me in. “You okay, boyo?”

I tried to suck down another breath of air, and shook my head. “I think I’m having a panic attack,” I grated out, even angrier for having said it out loud.

“Oh.” A pause, followed by, “That doesn’t surprise me at all.”

I looked over at Alejandro with eyes wide, and he gave me a tired smile. “Is it… about Miriam?”

How well he knew me. I nodded tightly, unable to let her name cross my lips.

Alejandro’s voice was full of understanding. “Of course. She meant a lot to you, boyo,” he said softly, meeting my gaze. “It’s no wonder you’re feeling like this. There’s still so many lingering emotions inside you, and I’m sad to say this, but they will remain.”

I sucked in another breath, rewarded by my stomach easing up a little bit and allowing more air to get in. “I still miss her sometimes,” I admitted. “What if me doing this is… being disrespectful to her memory?”

Alejandro smiled and looked around the hall for a long moment, considering the question. “Viggo, you and Miriam were dealt a bad hand. That’s a bad way of expressing it, but it’s true. You both got unlucky. And it’s not because you knew each other or that you even fell in love. It’s not that you fought and she left. It was just… bad luck and bad timing. Miriam would understand this. It’s only natural to let someone into your heart. She would want it for you. She would want you to be happy. As you and I both know, no man can be an island for too long without sinking into the seas… You love Violet, right?”

“Yes,” I said, my breath coming a little easier.

“You’ll do anything to keep her safe and happy?”

“Yes,” I replied, a little more emphatically.

“Then marry her. You and Miriam had your time, and now you have another chance. Marry Violet, and just… devote whatever time you have left to her, and it’ll be a wonderful life, worthy of your attention. You’re always going to love Miriam… but that doesn’t mean you don’t have room in your heart for another.”

I hesitated, the fear clutching at my heart feeling oily and poisonous, like the slimy residue from a venomous amphibian that had marched all over it. “I just couldn’t bear to lose Violet like I lost Miriam,” I admitted, both to myself and to Alejandro. I didn’t even want to consider the possibility—getting married felt too much like just one step closer to losing her.

Alejandro sighed loudly through his nose. “Viggo, that situation, the way you lost Miriam, it can’t happen again. It literally can’t. The gender population has shifted in Patrus—women now outnumber men here. That means those women are going to have to have a say in their country, just by the sheer lack of anyone able to handle the role. And that means that all those laws against women are going to change for the better, if not disappear completely.”

The tightness in my chest eased up a bit more at his words, until I was finally able to take a deep, steady breath, easing fully into the exhale, letting my anxiety out along with it. Not all of it left—some remained to taunt me, but it was a small voice, one easily overridden by my rational mind. Alejandro was right. There was no way what had happened to Miriam would ever happen to Violet.

Unless, of course, we got caught in Matrus, the small evil voice reminded me—and I decided right then and there to lock it away and throw away the key. No way was I letting my own doubt stand in the way of what I’d wanted to do ever since I’d asked Violet to marry me on that sinking ship.