The Friends We Keep

“Oh my God,” Hayley breathed. “I don’t want to go back.”


“Victory!” Gabby toasted her with her iced tea glass. “Good for you.”

Was it good? Hayley turned the undefined sensation in her chest over a couple of times. Relief, she thought carefully. Maybe a little freedom with a giddiness chaser? She could sleep in on the weekends, like a regular person. Use her free time to discover a hobby or two she liked. There were possibilities.

But as soon as she thought about how joyful that all would be, the sadness returned, nearly crushing her with its weight. She felt the heaviness against her shoulders and thighs and it was suddenly hard to breathe.

Gabby grabbed her hand. “I saw that,” she whispered. “Oh, Hayley, how can I help?”

“You can’t. I have to work through this on my own.”

“No, you don’t. Your friends love you. Rob loves you. You’re not alone.”

Hayley knew that was true and also that it didn’t make a difference. “You don’t understand.”

“Then help me get it. Why do you have to have your own biological child? Is it the DNA thing? You want to pass on who you are? Is it having a true biological connection? Someone who comes from you because you don’t know who you are and if you have a baby, you’ll have that link?”

“You’ve thought about this a lot,” she said, surprised at Gabby’s insights.

“Of course I have. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy.”

Happy. That sounded nice. Not possible, but nice.

“My adoption was completely closed,” Hayley said slowly. “I’ve left my information with several registries, but it’s obvious my biological parents don’t want to get in touch with me. I’m sure there are ways to hunt them down, but why? So that’s some of it.”

“Is Morgan part of it, too?”

“Yes. She’s so—”

“Bitchy? Mean? Selfish?” Gabby drew in a breath. “Sorry, I interrupted.”

Hayley managed a slight smile. “Yes, but it was a good one. She’s difficult. It’s all about her, all the time. I’m starting to wonder if it’s always been that way.”

“Of course it has. She was born bitchy. If you’re still thinking about your parents acting differently with her, it’s because they had to. All that attitude and selfishness in a seven-year-old?” Gabby shuddered. “Talk about a nightmare. You were the good kid. Trust me on that. They didn’t love her more. They loved her differently.”

Hayley knew Gabby was exaggerating, but there was also truth in what she was saying. If she accepted the premise that her parents loved her just as much, then needing a child of her own was...foolish. And she wanted to believe, wanted to know that she could love an adopted child just as much.

Of course if she couldn’t have children of her own, did it matter? Whatever love she could give would stand on its own—uncompared to... To what? Real love? But that was stupid. She loved Rob completely, even though he wasn’t a biological part of her.

“I’m so confused,” she admitted. “About everything.” She smiled. “You’re a good friend. That, I know for sure.”

“No, I’m an average friend. A good friend wouldn’t whine so much.”

“You don’t whine. You have a lot going on. Makayla, her pregnancy, Andrew being annoying.”

Gabby laughed. “There is that.” Her smile faded. “About Makayla’s baby,” she began.

“No,” Hayley told her. “I couldn’t. Even if I were to adopt, it’s too close. Does that make sense? Makayla would be right there, as would you and Andrew.”

“I get it,” Gabby told her. “It’s taking open adoption a step too far. For what it’s worth, you’d be my first choice.”

Another healing block filled in a bit of the hole in her heart. Hayley reached out and squeezed Gabby hand. “It’s worth a lot.”

*

Gabby had only been at Candace’s town house once before. The three-story home was as coolly elegant as the woman herself. White walls, pale hardwood floors, white and ivory furnishings with the odd splash of deep orange as an accent color. There was a view of the ocean and plenty of open space. No toys, no pet hair, nothing to say that a real person actually lived here.

She and Andrew had left the twins home with Cecelia so the conversation would be more private. Makayla had begged to be left behind as well, but as they were discussing her pregnancy and the ramifications of Boyd’s abandonment, her presence had seemed pretty necessary.