“Sit down,” Jack orders gently, guiding me to a chair. I watch as he fills the kettle and boils it, finding his way around my kitchen with ease. As if he belongs here. With me.
He takes a seat and slides a cup of tea toward me. I smile my thanks, wrapping both palms around the mug.
“Talk to me,” he says gently.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
I look away from him, trying to escape his probing, but he reaches across the table and takes my chin, forcing me back. When he gives me high, expectant eyebrows, I lamely shrug.
“Annie, I understand that this is hard for you.”
“Do you?” I ask.
“Of course I do. You’re a gorgeous, young, single woman. You could go out tonight and have your pick of the thousands of men out there.”
“I don’t want any of the thousands of men out there,” I admit quietly, spelling it out loud and clear.
“You want me?”
I look at him carefully, wondering where he’s taking this. Is he asking me to demand he leave his wife right this minute? I can’t do that. Call me stupid, but he has to make that move himself. “I don’t understand where you’re going with this.”
“Do you want me?”
“Yes.” I don’t hesitate.
Jack nods, relieved, and squeezes my hand. “I just needed to hear you say it again.” He swallows, and I don’t like the deep breath he draws, like he’s psyching himself up to tell me something. “I didn’t want to burden you with every crappy detail of my shit, Annie, but I’m scared to death that you’re going to talk your way into leaving me.”
Every crappy detail? I don’t like the sound of this. Besides, I know enough. “I think the less I know the better,” I protest, desperate to keep my connection with his wife, his life beyond me, as limited as possible.
His face is pleading with me to let him. “I need you to understand, Annie.”
This time I don’t protest, seeing his need plain and clear.
He sighs, slumping back in his chair. “I was doing so well building up my business. Stephanie’s father was one of my first clients, and I met her during the project.” He shrugs. “She was nice enough. Her father was relentless in his attempts to get us together. He was a valuable client with a huge ego. Stephanie and I dated, and it wasn’t long before she started pushing for marriage. My business was the perfect excuse to put that off. I told her I wanted a more solid foundation, to get at break-even point. I was hoping to buy myself some time, because I didn’t know what I wanted. I wasn’t sure she was the right woman for me. Then her father offered up cash for investment and…” He shakes his head. “Well, problem solved. I realize now how spineless I was. I’d be where I am now even without Stephanie’s father’s money. It all ran away with me.” He smiles, but there’s a sad edge to it. It breaks my heart, for no other reason than he’s clearly full of regrets. I can’t help feeling like his savior in a weird, fucked up kind of way.
“So you married her.”
He swallows and looks down into his mug. “I married her. I got caught up in the arrangements, convincing myself I was doing what was right. I knew I’d made a mistake only a few months later. I paid her father back the money he lent me, but it was too late to give his daughter back. Her temper, her controlling nature, her spending habits. My business became my escape. Escape from the suppression, control, and…” He drifts off and takes a deep breath. “And my wife. There’s no happy medium with her. There’s no bearable middle ground. She’s done…”
“She’s done what?” I press, not liking the internal battle he’s clearly having trying to tell me. “Tell me, Jack. She’s done what?”
He looks away, obviously gathering strength from somewhere. He looks beaten. “I didn’t want to give you the dirty details.” He gives me his eyes again, and I see a million problems in them. A million woes. I know I’m going to hate what I hear.
He must read the questions in my eyes, because he continues without my prompt. “I’ve left her before.”
My mouth falls open. “And you went back?”
“Yes, after I’d picked her up from the hospital.”
I frown, not understanding.
“She took a knife to her wrist.”
“Oh my God!” I gasp, recoiling in my chair. “That’s emotional blackmail, Jack!”
“Maybe. I might not love the woman, but I don’t wish her harm.” He slumps back in his chair, taking his palms and scrubbing down his suddenly tired face. “I didn’t want to tell you because I know it’ll play havoc with your conscience. It would just be another reason for you to leave me.”
Play havoc with my conscience? Is he serious? Because there’s not enough playing havoc with it already? My heart sinks. “You’re trapped,” I whisper. We’re trapped. There’s no way out. Stephanie has ahold of him and he can’t leave her because of what she might do to herself. And I wouldn’t want him to. That would make me inhuman, and despite everything I’ve done, all of my wrongs, I’m not a wicked person. I don’t wish her harm, either. I couldn’t live with myself.
Jack looks at me, and I see the torment in his eyes. And the guilt. It’s still there. Guilt for feeling like this. Guilt for not loving his wife. He grabs my hands with force, gritting his teeth. “You make me happy,” he grates. “So fucking happy!” He’s getting worked up, and it’s so upsetting to see how frustrated he is. How hopeless he feels. His wife knows just what to do to keep him. Because it’s worked before.
I hold on to my emotions as best I can. My situation hasn’t changed. It’s the same, but the stakes have been raised. I can’t imagine what Stephanie will do if she finds out about us…which means I have to ensure that she doesn’t.
I feel the tears of despair getting the better of me and use every scrap of strength I have to keep them at bay. I won’t be walking away. Not before, and most definitely not now.
Jack promised me he wouldn’t let me go again if the Fates ever brought me back to him. Well, they did bring me back, and they brought me back for a reason. I can’t control my feelings for him. I can’t stop them. He’s supposed to be mine. I need to free him from his nightmare, not for my own selfish reasons, but because he doesn’t deserve this. He should have what he wants, and if I am everything that he wants, then I have to help him have me.
“We will be together, Annie,” he vows. “No matter what.”
I get up from my chair and walk around to him, putting myself on his lap and showing him where I’m at. With him. Always with him. And I believe him. We will be together. But at what cost?
Chapter 16
Four months later…
I never thought I’d be the kind of person to settle for next best, and only having a piece of Jack is next best. But it’s a sacrifice I’ve had to make for now. A sacrifice that I’ve learned to cope with until we’re both ready to face the shit storm that’ll break when he leaves her.