His gentle order has the reverse effect, and I start to sob, my face turning and hiding in his neck. How can he be so accepting of this? The thought of someone physically hurting him destroys me inside.
Jack forces me out, putting his body on top of mine, getting nose to nose with me. “She doesn’t hurt me, Annie. The only person in this world who can hurt me is you. Do you hear what I’m saying to you? I’m untouchable if I have you.” He starts to dot light kisses all over my wet face, wiping away the tears with his mouth.
“You have to leave her.” I reach over his shoulders and hold him to me, like I can protect him from her. Take him away from his nightmare.
“Trust me. When I can I will.” He lifts his face and gazes down at me, brushing my hair from my wet face. “You’ve given me a purpose. A real reason to get out. My own happiness wasn’t enough to leave. It just wasn’t worth the pain and backlash. Your happiness is enough, and I know I can make you happy. Just like I know how happy I can be with you.”
His spew of words hits me hard. Every single one of them. He doesn’t just need to leave her, he wants to. For me. When he can, he will. “When will the time be right?” I ask on a mere whisper, starting to grow concerned by what this really means. It means people will know. It means she’ll know.
“I don’t know.” He gives me sorry eyes. “A few weeks ago, before I met you, I’d have said never. Now, I will make sure I find the right time. But I have to tread carefully. And you have to trust me to do this the best way. Please, just give me time.”
What I should do now is walk away. Let him sort out that part of his life before I even think to continue this. That’s what I should do. It doesn’t mean that I can. “Are you telling me you’re going to leave your wife?” I ask again, if only for clarification. If only to hear him say it again.
“Yes,” he answers without a second’s hesitation. “I need to get out for my own sanity and health. I’m leaving her because I need there to be life left in me, life that I want to give to you. There’s something still alive inside of me, Annie, and you’ve found it.”
I pull him down and cuddle him. I wanted him before I knew I couldn’t have him. My want has only multiplied by a million since then, no matter how much guilt tries to mask it. I’ve never wanted something so badly that I’ll willingly sacrifice my integrity to have it. I would never throw down my demands for him to leave his wife. That’s his move to make when he thinks it’s best to make it. In the meantime, I get some of him. I need some of him. Even if it’s just for my own sanity. Nothing with Jack isn’t an option.
“I’ll take whatever you can give me for now.” It pains me to say it, but it’s the truth. I have to finally face the fact that I’m falling for a married man. I’ve tried to run away. And got nowhere, not only because Jack won’t let me. But because my heart won’t either. He’s asked me for time, and though I know most will think I’m certifiably mad, I’m willing to give it to him, because he’s worth the wait. I trust him. I don’t want to make his life any more difficult than it already is.
I kiss his neck, tracing circles across his back, and stamp out the thoughts threatening to ruin the moment. Right now, he’s mine. In this moment, he’s mine.
“I trust you,” I whisper.
Moving back, he kisses me with the most incredible amount of meaning injected into it. “Thank you,” he breathes.
He trails his lips across my face and I smile sadly. Because no matter how much I try to fool myself, a piece of Jack isn’t what I want at all, and I know deep down that there will come a point when I can’t make do with part of him. I just hope Jack finds whatever strength he needs to leave his wife before that time comes.
Chapter 13
We made love all day. Slow, soft, and meaningful love. He looked down at me, our breaths mingling, our hands exploring, as he drove into me firm and exact, over and over. It was blissful. It was beyond incredible. It left me dazed and struggling to keep my eyes open. Which is a good thing, because I didn’t have the energy to disintegrate when he kissed me gently on the forehead before he left last night.
I fell into a deep slumber and dreamed of Jack. It was the most satisfying night’s sleep I’ve ever had. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to have Jack wrapped around me the whole night through. But entering into this, I have to accept that that can never happen. It feels like a small price to pay after the time we’ve just spent together, full of acceptance and total devotion. Just a small price to pay. For now.
I feel full of life and energy as I shower. Strangely, there’s an overwhelming sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted from my tired shoulders. Like I have someone else to help carry the burden of my choices with me.
I’m standing in the mirror looking at myself, kitted from top to toe in sportswear. My cheeks have a healthy glow, my dark hair is glossy, and my light green eyes are sparkling brightly. And I have a delicious heaviness between my thighs. I feel good, and ignorant as it may seem, I don’t question it.
I grab my iPod, load a playlist, and hit the street. A run. I have no idea where the urge has come from, but I’m going to make the most of it while I have the drive. The sun is warm on my back as I make tracks toward Hyde Park, feeling fresh and rejuvenated. That may not be the case in a few miles, but for now my legs are working with little effort and my breathing is consistent and easy. It defies the fact that I haven’t worked out in over a year. And I’m smiling. Above & Beyond’s “Sun & Moon” is pumping in my ears, spurring me on, as I race through the park, my focus set firmly forward. Fellow runners nod and return my smile as I continue to breathe steadily.
Jack is a constant vision in my mind, except now I’m not fighting to get him out. He’s embedded on my brain, and I like him there. His grin, his sparkling eyes. His voice, his laugh, his cheeky banter. His passion for my work and his encouragement. Everything about him. Our moments have been just stolen pieces of time, but no matter how brief, they’re still so incredibly powerful, the feelings lingering on, and I’m hoping that makes the time in between without him more manageable.
I smile and take a sharp right, running toward the Serpentine, the fresh morning air breezing across my skin. Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye and I look across the grass to see Micky waving frantically at me. I pull the buds out of my ears and wave back.
“What the fuck’s gotten into you?” he shouts, showing the sky his palms.
“Felt like a run!” I call, keeping up my pace.
He laughs loudly and then turns to the woman who’s on her hands and knees in front of him, her long blond hair skimming the grass. I smile like crazy when I see him drop to one knee and take her hips, looking over to me and fist pumping the air. “Tart,” I say to myself, following the path and heading up alongside him, watching as he manipulates the woman into various positions.