“Of course not.” God, it was way too soon. Going there to see that man would be about what he needed and right now she had to concentrate on herself. On making plans and getting through.
“I told him I’d consider it if he spared us all the heartache and pled guilty.” She let out a long breath. “He’s going to, so long as his attorney can work out some sort of deal.”
“That’s good news.” But he already knew that. Everyone from the senator to the police to Rick to the prosecutor kept calling to fill him in. So much for the idea of being an island. So many people reached out that he worried he’d need a second alarm system at home just to keep his new friends from stopping by.
“It’s the least I could do.” She rubbed her hands together. “He killed her because of me.”
Wren stood up and came around the desk. He was careful not to touch her or get too close. She needed space and he vowed to give it to her. But she couldn’t do this. “Don’t take that on. It’s his sin, not yours.”
“That’s so easy to say, but . . .”
He understood what she was saying. Maybe better than anyone. “You need time to process it all. You’ll take it apart in your head and eventually be able to tuck pieces of it away. To heal in your own way. You’ll close the case in your head. Truly mourn Tiffany and the loss of your father. Just not today.”
“It’s like he’s dead.” There was no emotion in her voice.
The pain had her rattled and vulnerable. He wished he could ease some, but that’s not how it worked. No one could take it all away. For a few minutes at a time, then later for longer spells, she would shake off all the frustrations and doubts pressing down on her. But it was too early for that.
“The loss is unimaginable. No one who hasn’t lived through it can understand.” He hated that she would now know.
She dropped her hands to her sides and looked up at him. “You do.”
He gave in to the urge to touch her. Giving her plenty of time for her to pull away, he put his hands on her arms near her elbows. “I know life is scrambled right now and nothing makes sense, but I promise you there will be a day when the grief eases. When you feel like you can breathe again.”
“I can’t imagine that.”
“Part of what you have to do is let the emotions roll through you. All of them. The guilt, the horror, the anger.”
She let her head drop back and she stared at the ceiling. “I get shots of each, every hour.”
“All normal.” He’d grown to hate that word, but he guessed it fit here. “Which I know sounds terrible coming from me.”
She dropped her head again and looked at him. “I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t do that.” She couldn’t take that on, too. He wouldn’t let her. “What happened was awful, but there was no other way for it to shake out.”
“Not that.” She lifted her hands and let them rest against his stomach. “I said terrible things to you. I was so afraid you were right and it made me lash out and punish you.”
The memories rushed back on him, but he kicked them out of his head. He didn’t want to remember those moments when he could hold on to the rest. “The news was shocking. I get that.”
“Don’t let me off the hook, Levi.” She curled her fingers in his shirt.
Every word tore into him. He wanted to wipe it all away for her. Save her this. “The circumstances were extraordinary. If you said those things to me because you thought I squeezed the toothpaste container the wrong way, yeah. That would have sucked. But this. It’s understandable.”
Stress pulled around her mouth and eyes. “Teach me how to do it.”
“What?”
“Survive this.”
That’s what she was—a survivor. He knew she could make it through. The rest . . . God, it would kill him to be near her and not touch her, but somehow he’d do it. “I’ll be here for whatever you need.”
“Don’t leave me.” She stepped in, closing the distance between them. Pleading moved into her voice and showed in her eyes. “I know it’s too early and it doesn’t make sense. Then the emotions get all wrapped up with my father and what happened—”
“What are you saying?” Hope flickered to life inside him and he rushed to tamp it down. He’d spent days hoping for a call and nights feeling carved out and raw when it didn’t come.
“I am the worst catch.” She shook her head as her words rushed together. “You should run and keep running, but I’m asking you to give me a chance because I love you.”
“You . . .” He couldn’t get the words out. Was desperate to believe, but was sure he heard her wrong or misunderstood.
“Crazy, right?” She smiled. It appeared then was gone. “All I wanted over the last few days was for you to hold me and you weren’t there.”
That he heard. “I thought you hated me.”
“Not even close.”
An alarm went off in his head. His chest ached with the need to rush in, but he knew he should hold back. His job stood in the way. They still had baggage. She needed time . . . And he would have talked about all of those, but the way she looked at him and held on, digging her fingers into his skin, had his brain reordering every priority.