“What’s going on, Kel? Where’s Erika?”
“She went to her mom’s house.” He stood up slow, his legs shaking, and stumbled over to the pill bottle. He picked it up, tried to open it once again, and failed. His breaths were heavy as he leaned against the wall and kept trying.
“Here, let me,” I offered. I reached for the pills, and he shoved me away.
“Leave me alone.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
I started wrestling him for the pill bottle, and I snatched it from his grip. I opened it and placed a pill into the palm of his hand. He slid down against the wall to the floor and sat.
“I don’t need you and Erika to babysit me and open damn pill bottles.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Kel, yes, you do!”
“No, I don’t!” he hollered, his voice cracking as he broke down crying. He wrapped his arms around himself and turned away from me, trying to keep the tears to himself.
“I’m dying, Logan. I’m dying.”
I slid down to the floor, and sat beside him with my back against the wall. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“‘Be here now,’” I said, quoting Ram Dass. “That was the quote at the rehab clinic that was right over each bedroom. “They told us to stop blaming ourselves for our yesterdays and to stop worrying about when we left the clinic. We were meant to just be there, in the moment. Be here now, Kellan. Right now, you’re here. You’re just as alive as Erika, Alyssa, and I am.”
“Yeah. But I’m going to be dead a lot sooner than all of you.”
“That’s debatable. I’m a pretty big screw-up.”
Kellan laughed, and lightly shoved me. Good. Laughing is good. We leaned back against the wall.
“‘Be here now,’” he murmured to himself.
“So when is Erika coming back?” I asked.
“She’s not. I told her to go for a while.”
“What?”
“I couldn’t keep putting her through this, Logan. Every time I coughed, she thought I was dying. She deserved a normal life.”
“Is that what you told her?”
He grimaced. “Not exactly.”
“What did you say?”
“I told her that I never wanted to marry her. I told her that we were over and I was sick of her nagging. I told her to leave and not come back.”
“You pushed her away by being mean.”
He nodded, sniffling. “It was the only way she’d go. I couldn’t keep breaking her heart.”
“Trust me, big brother, her heart is broken.” He frowned, knowing I was right. “Let’s just say that the roles were reversed. Let’s say Erika had the cancer, and you were the one taking care of her. How would you feel if she said those words to you?”
His hands rolled over his face nonstop. “I know. I know. I miss her already. But I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to make it easier for her.”
“She didn’t sign up for easy, Kellan. She signed up for you. Through all of it, she signed up for you. Don’t worry, though. We’ll fix this.”
“When did you become so wise?”
I smirked. “When Alyssa gave me the same exact speech about how she signed up for me, which included all of the baggage that came along with me.”
He laughed. “I should’ve known you weren’t that wise.”
“Yeah, well, I’m working on it.”
We sat silent for a few minutes. “Uh, Logan?”
“Yeah?”
“What the hell happened to your face?”
I chuckled, and began to tell him about mom and my father. He reacted much better than I hoped, yet had the same thought as I did. “Well, at least she can’t get to any drugs while she’s in the hospital.”
Ah, my brother. My best friend.
***
Alyssa: You’re okay, Logan Francis Silverstone.
Me: I’m okay, Alyssa Marie Walters.
She texted me those words every few hours. When Kellan was ready, he and I went to the hospital to see Ma. She was in quite a bit of pain, because the doctors couldn’t give her much medicine due to her addictions. It was hard seeing her that way, but it wasn’t the worst I’ve ever seen her.
Kellan sat in a wheelchair, and I pushed it toward her bed. He took her hand into his and gave her a small smile as I stood back watching.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” she cried. He placed their hands against her face, and he shook his head. “I’m so sorry for messing up so much. I’ve screwed up everything.”
“Be here now, Ma,” he replied. “It’s okay.”
She bit her lip and looked down at her hospital gown, and all of the cords and bandages attached to her body. “I want to go to rehab,” she softly spoke.
Kellan and I nodded in agreement.
“Me too,” another voice said.
I turned to see Sadie. She had glassy eyes, and was fidgeting a little, but she gave me a smile.
“Okay,” I said.
She nodded. “Okay. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. Have this baby on my own. I don’t have anyone.”
I nudged her. “It’s fine. That kid, he’s going to be my brother. And where I come from, you do anything for your brother. I’ll help you. You have family now, Sadie. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own anymore. Promise.”
Chapter Forty-Six
Alyssa