So this is my apartment. I don’t know if I’ve shown you before, but here it is. We have all of the basics. Kellan helped me. Over here, you’ll find Jordy the mouse. He comes out to play every now and then. And, that’s pretty much it. It’s small, but it’s mine, I guess.
I know you’re mad at me.
But I miss you so much it hurts to breathe some nights.
You asked me what I do when it rains?
I lie in bed, and think of you.
Reply #1090
You said you were done calling me. I’m happy to hear that, but at the same time broken. I want you to be happy. I want you to find someone worthy to love you. I want you to fall in love with a heart that beats like mine beats for you. I want you to laugh so loudly, and I want someone to fall in love with the sound of your laughter, the way I love those sounds.
I want you to have your happy ending.
I want you to move on.
I tell myself each day that I’m not in love with you anymore, that I moved on.
But somehow that’s not true. Each day it happens, right before I close my eyes to sleep. I see your face, your smile, your soul, and in the quiet whispers of the night, I fall in love with you all over again.
I hope that never changes.
And selfishly, I hope a small part of you always loves me too.
Chapter Forty-One
Logan
Walking into Kellan’s place, I paused a moment when I heard the sound of upchucking. I rushed to the bathroom where the sounds were traveling from, and found Kellan on the floor, his head in the toilet as he threw up everything he had inside of him.
“Jesus, Kel,” I muttered, reaching for a towel to wet. I bent down beside him as he gagged, unable to throw anything up because he hadn’t much left inside of him.
“I’m okay,” he muttered, before the dry heaving began. My hand landed on his back. There wasn’t much I could do, other than be there with him through the pain.
“What’s happening?!” an alarmed Erika said, poking her head in the bathroom. Her eyes widened as she deliberated over which direction she should go—stay in the bathroom with Kellan, or go toward the living room.
“Why didn’t you wake me?” she asked me.
“I just got home.”
Her hands raked through her hair. “Okay. He needs the nausea pills.” She hurried away, her feet hammering against the wooden floors. She came back with a glass of water and a little pink pill. “Here you go, Kellan.”
“No,” he whispered. “I don’t want that.”
“It will help with the nausea.”
“I don’t want that.”
Erika’s chin quivered and she pushed the glass and pill toward him. “Kel, come on. It will—”
“Just leave me alone!” he hollered, pushing the glass from her, and making it fly to the ground and shatter.
Erika leaned back, grimacing. Her lips trembled as her breaths sawed in and out. She placed the pill on the bathroom sink. “It’s right there if you need it.”
After I helped Kellan back to his bedroom, he took the pill from me. I took a few tentative steps toward the kitchen, where I found Erika going through her cabinets. In front of her was a box of new glassware, which she was unloading.
“Erika, he’s just tired.”
She nodded repeatedly, pawing her hands through her hair. “Yeah, I know. I know. It’s fine. I just wanted to get these glasses switched in before morning. I’m so glad I bought these. I knew they’d come in handy, and they are actually better than the ones before. Stronger. I don’t know why I didn’t switch before.”
She closed the box after all of the glasses were switched, and headed for the living room, where she stood with her hands on her hips, blankly staring ahead.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I think if I move the sofa to face the east wall, more people could see the television. Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”
“Erika.”
“Or maybe I should buy a new television. I saw a sale in the paper and—”
“Erika, come on. Go to bed.”
“No. No. It’s fine. I have to clean up the glass in the bathroom. It was seriously so lucky I had the replacements.”
“Erika.”
She burst into sobs, covering her face. Jesus. “Why isn’t he like that with you, huh?! Why doesn’t he yell… Why doesn’t he…”
“I left before and had no plans on coming back. He probably thinks I’ll leave again. Or worse, that I’ll start using.”
“I’m broken. I’m so broken. I’m not prepared for school to start. I failed my summer night class. Failed. I never failed anything in my life. And now Kellan’s mean. Mean. Kellan has never been mean. I don’t know how much more I can take.” She continued to sob, and I wrapped my arms around her.
I wasn’t sure what to say, or what kind of comfort to deliver her. She wasn’t wrong. It seemed each passing day, Kellan grew darker and darker toward her, pushing her away. “Do you want to smoke some weed?”
She pulled away from me and cocked her head, shaking it. “No, Logan. I do not want to smoke some weed.”
“Okay.”
Silence.