I’m done.
Finished.
There are no words left unsaid, no deeds left undone. Nothing that has to be seen to before I give up my battle.
I have only peace. Deep, soothing peace, like an endless midnight ocean that beckons me to come and float, to allow the current to sweep me away.
And so I do.
I let my mind stretch back to days gone by, to the beginning, and to the end, and I bask in reminiscence for as long as I can hold on.
I let my mind drift…
Twenty-five
You give Love a Bad Name
Lena
Nineteen years ago
“It’s hard to explain. It’s like there was just this instant connection between us. Like…sparks. It was awesome!” I exclaim, half-swooning as I remember the hot guy I met at the bank. My friend and coworker, Regan, laughs and rolls her eyes. I rush to add, “I know it sounds hokey as hell, but I’m serious.”
Regan looks skeptical. “I’m sure you are. You’re also a drama queen.”
I slap my friend’s arm playfully. “I am not!”
“Ummm, are, too.”
“Am not!”
“Are, too, but let’s get to the important stuff like what was his name? Are you going to see him again? And does he look like he’d be good in bed?”
“God, Regan!” I know I’m blushing furiously. While as a nurse I’m very comfortable with discussions about sex with patients, I’ve never been at ease discussing my own sex life. With anyone. “You think I could let him buy me dinner first, or should I just go back to the bank and jump his bones?”
“If you’re really asking me, then…”
“No, I’m not. I know exactly what you’d say.”
We both laugh. Regan is the type that does exactly what she wants, when she wants. She explains herself to no one. Although I envy her bravado, I could never be quite as…free as Regan. It just isn’t in my DNA.
“So? Are you going to see him again?”
I sigh. “I doubt it. I mean, it’s not like we exchanged numbers or he asked me out or anything. I was there getting pre-approved for a loan for Pete’s sake. I’m sure he has more respect for his job than to hit on a customer.” I turn sheepish eyes up to my friend. “Dammit.”
“Well, that just means you’ll have to drop by to ask him something else then. And you can ask him out.”
“I don’t know. What if our moment was just in my head? What if it’s just desperation or wishful thinking or a nine-month dry spell affecting my brain?”
Regan is no longer looking at me. Her eyes are trained at a point somewhere over my head.
“Uh, Lena, tell me again what he looked like?”
My mouth turns up at the corners, and I stare off into the distance as I think about the loan officer, Nathaniel.
“He was gorgeous! Short, black hair, jewel green eyes. Jaw made of steel, strong chin. Lips to die for. A smile that would melt a woman’s ovaries at ten paces.”
“Was he pretty tall?”
“Very. At least six three or so. Wide, wide shoulders, narrow waist. He was wearing this suit… Charcoal with a white shirt and an emerald tie that was probably the exact color of his eyes. Jesus, he was beautiful.”
My toes tingle with the memory.
“And what did you say his name was?”
“Nathaniel, I hope,” comes a velvety voice from behind me.
I whirl around so fast, I nearly topple my chair. I come to a sudden stop when I meet the laughing jewel-like eyes I’d just been describing. The sexy loan officer I met the day before is standing at check-in, not two feet away, smiling at me.
Good Lord, that smile!
I sit, gape-mouthed, and stare at him for several seconds, my cheeks undoubtedly beet red. I say nothing, do nothing.
I’m at a loss. A total and complete loss.
Finally, it’s he who breaks the humiliating silence. And with a voice, I’d forgotten, feels like satin sheets sliding over my skin.
“Was it?” he prompts when I continue to gawk mutely at him.
“Was it what?”
“Was his name Nathaniel?”
Then it clicks. He heard my every word, or at least enough to make me want to die on the spot. “Oh God!” I moan, dropping my burning face into my suddenly-damp palms.
Within seconds, long, cool fingers wrap around my wrists and tug gently. And for the second time in twenty-four hours, I’m struck by the nearly-tangible connection between us. It’s electric.
Lightning down my spine.
A buzz in my head.
Tingling in my toes.
It’s an invisible circuit that stretches from his body to mine, and someone is cranking up the energy.
“It-it was,” I eventually manage to eke out from between my parched lips.
“Good. I’d hate to think I was the only one who felt this.”
“This?” I ask, dazed.
Nathaniel’s thumbs brush the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrists, sending tiny shock waves ricocheting through me. “Yeah, this.”
I let out a breathy laugh. I’m relieved and embarrassed and exhilarated and…giddy, all at once. “What are you doing here?”
In the space of three unnerving heartbeats, it occurs to me that he might’ve come by to talk with me about my application. This visit might be work-related for him.