I felt bone-tired of everything, but the anger that had fuelled me for so many weeks kept me going. One day soon I was bound to see the Clarkes. I couldn’t wait.
I wandered past your bedroom, still too cowardly to face it. I hadn’t been in there since discovering the ‘diary’ the week before when, in my panic, I had interpreted your innocent fantasies about James Harvey so wrongly.
Where my feet led me was inevitable. To the coat hooks. Wiggins appeared instantly by my side, pressing against me with a forlorn whine that seemed to say, ‘Don’t forget me’. He’d been extra protective of me since your death.
Quickly wrapping myself up, I stepped out into the unseasonably mild early morning to make my way to the marsh once more. My true home in those days.
*
The familiar twit-twoo of a tawny owl heading home after a night’s hunting sounded somewhere close by, flying on silent wings. I gazed out into the greying darkness, searching for you. But there was no sign.
‘Is it because I’m so angry?’ I asked out loud. ‘Do you want me to forgive Chloe? You’re so full of forgiveness, just like your father. You wanted to make the world a better place. But that’s why I’m so bloody angry. Beth, you didn’t deserve this!’
A harsh intake of breath. God alone knew what I looked like, in the middle of nowhere, talking to myself, tears tracking my face. I didn’t care. I couldn’t sense you out there any more. Desperation raked at my soul; I needed to get you back. Somehow.
I walked down the sea embankment and further into the marsh. Eyes straining to see you beneath an almost full moon which taunted me like a pregnant belly.
‘Sweetheart, I know Chloe was your BFF, but… I’m not sure I can do it, Beth. If it’s what you truly want, I’ll try, though. Promise. I’ll really try to forgive her.’
I walked on in the dark, towards the glow of light appearing above the dully sparkling line of sea in the distance. I didn’t bother checking where I stepped, too concerned with scanning the horizon for signs of you, with listening to the wind for your whisper, concentrating on its touch to see if it contained your caress.
Around me, birds began to call. Brent geese stirred restlessly, moving around to feed in their flocks, giving their constant, gossipy call.
After half an hour, the sun peered over the horizon, announcing the start of a new day. I faced the wind, calling your name. A pale ghost rose in front of me. Looming large in the gloom, making me gasp and stumble back momentarily, before it fled ponderously across the land, straight as an arrow. It was a little egret. It was a sign from you.
I turned to watch it disappear, long legs trailing straight behind it, its brilliant white plumage making it easy to spot in the ever-increasing sunlight. That’s when I saw how far I had come. In a trance of grief, I had navigated far into the marsh, impossibly avoiding falling into any creeks. Where the little egret had scared me, I had been brought to a standstill right beside a deep creek, hidden beneath springy foliage. I peered down, both scared and relieved, because resting at the bottom, half-hidden in the water, lay a rusting oil drum and a snarl of barbed wire. If I had stepped into that, I could have been seriously injured – and out on the marsh, no one would have heard my cries for help.
That’s when I realised.
You had guided me through the maze of creeks. You had saved me from harm. You had sent the egret to stop me taking another step forward. Beth, even as I’d searched for you, you had been beside me every step of the way.
The glow of knowing you hadn’t left me kept me cosy-warm all through the walk home.
*
Waiting on the doorstep were more flowers, left by an early riser. I checked the card. They were from Jill Young. They got tossed into the wheelie bin, the slamming lid loud in the Sunday-morning silence, jarring against the birdsong.
I went inside and made my weary way upstairs with a cup of tea, Wiggins at my heels. The pair of us climbed into bed with Jacob, and we lay tangled together. We barely moved for the rest of the day.
Eighty-Three
We lay below the plaque Jacob had carved as a teenager – I will always love you – foreheads touching, legs twisted together like vines. The space in between us formed a heart, in which Wiggins was curled.
‘I love you to bits and whole again,’ Jacob whispered, blue eyes an ocean of sadness. I traced the delicate lines around them with a gentle finger.
‘We can survive this. Together,’ I said. ‘But…’
Time to get rid of the last secret plaguing us. I’d been putting off talking about this for so long, but nothing would ever seem a big deal again after losing you, Beth.
‘But only if you stop seeing Flo, Britney, whatever you want to call her.’
‘What? Why would I see her again?’
He sounded so confused that my old bitterness flared.
‘I saw you, Jacob. You and Flo, snogging like a couple of kids while your family fell apart.’
Eyes widened, pupils contracted. ‘Mel… shit, I… I…’ His hands flew up to his blond stubble of hair, running over it. ‘Christ, I’m so sorry. It should never, ever have happened. But… Melanie, I swear to you that what you saw was all that happened. There was no affair, nothing more than a kiss.’
‘I don’t want details; I don’t care. Not any more—’
‘No, just – please listen a moment. You know how I can prove what I say is true? I can tell you exactly when you saw what you saw, because it was the only time it happened. It was exactly ten days ago. It was the day James Harvey was arrested and we thought he’d, you know, done things. To Beth.
‘I was in a panic, and you… you were starting to change, to give up. I should have been stronger for you, but I wasn’t. You’re my best friend, always have been, always will be, and suddenly I couldn’t talk to you. But that wasn’t your fault, it was mine. I… I felt so helpless, so useless, and there was so much going on inside me that I didn’t even know where to begin identifying it myself, much less talk about it to you. I wanted to run away. To be someone else. Besides, I should have been able to do more. I should have protected Beth—’
‘You couldn’t. Neither of us could.’ I felt that way myself, but hearing him say it made me realise how foolish it was. Neither of us were to blame for this.
He shook his head, heavy with regret, refusing to listen.
‘Britney, I mean Flo, well, she understood – it’s her job to understand. We kissed as we stood in the hall just that once, after you and I had given consent for those tests on Beth. I’ll never forget it because it was one of the worst moments of my life. That kiss proves how weak and pathetic I am, and I’m ashamed of myself. I let you and Beth down. And I will never, ever do that again.’
There were tears in his eyes now. He let go of one hand and wiped at them with his knuckles, childlike. His eyes so wide and innocent, desperately seeking absolution.