‘I don’t know. It’s like she thought what Jake had done might be catching or something. She just didn’t want me anywhere near where it happened. I don’t know why we didn’t move away. No money, I guess.’
A lump forms in my throat. I’d all but forgotten Rodney back then. Flashes of a skinny little boy in hand-me-downs flicker in front of me. At the memorial he sat with his mother, owl-eyed and lost, surrounded by sobbing teenagers.
‘I used to like it when you came to our house.’
I smile. ‘Yeah, I liked it too. That was a long time ago. I was your age then.’
‘You have a kid now, right? I’ve seen you with him.’
My heart clicks into a higher gear. ‘You have?’
‘Sure. Just around, you know.’ His mouth twists into a strange smile. ‘Don’t worry, I haven’t been following you or anything.’
The rain is coming down so hard I can’t even see the lake. Water zigzags across the windscreen.
‘Must be nice to have a kid to look after.’ His hands fidget in his lap but he doesn’t seem nervous. His voice is steady. His dark hair curls slightly from the rain and his lashes clump together like he’s wearing mascara.
I nod, pushing the fan onto a higher speed. ‘Yes. I can barely remember what it was like before. Without him.’
‘Jake used to look after me a lot. You know, because he was so much older.’
The lump in my throat is growing bigger and I take a deep breath around it. ‘I’m sorry, Rodney. You must have been so scared. I think I forgot how young you were. I wasn’t thinking straight then.’
‘It’s okay. Before he died he told me you broke up. I was sad about that. I reckon that’s probably why he did it.’
I think back to writing that note, the letters curling beautifully into Rosalind’s prose.
‘Yes, well, I don’t know. You never really know what’s in someone’s head when they do something like that. And it was a long time ago.’
‘I talked to her about him, you know,’ he says.
I glance sideways at him, wondering if this whole thing is about to be resolved right here in my car. ‘What did you talk about?’ I say, trying to keep my voice even.
The air in the car thins and the wet has started to seep through my clothes. I wish I was home in bed asleep, preferably drugged into a deep prolonged unconsciousness. On the highway blurry headlights bob through the trees. It feels like Rodney and I are completely alone, hidden from the rest of the world, which may or may not be real anyway.
‘Everything really,’ says Rodney quietly. ‘She loved talking to me. She said that.’
‘Ms Ryan said she loved talking to you?’ I confirm.
‘Yeah.’
‘So tell me what you talked about?’ I ask.
He shrugs, seeming young again. ‘Everything. Jake. Her family. Me finishing school.’
‘Was it important for you to finish school?’
‘She really wanted me to do well. She thought I had a real future in drama.’
‘Were you going to move to Queensland too?’ I say.
His head whirls my way. ‘What?’
‘Queensland,’ I repeat calmly. ‘Were you going to move there in the new year?’
‘What? No.’ His eyes won’t meet mine but I can’t tell if he’s lying.
‘Ms Ryan was planning to move there in the new year and I wondered whether you were going with her.’
A faint flush dusts his cheeks. ‘No, no. I don’t know anything about that. I’ve enrolled in uni. I’m going to do it by correspondence. Online.’
‘Doesn’t that mean you can do it from anywhere?’
He gives me a somewhat defeated look. ‘Yeah, I guess. I want to keep working at the newsagent. You know, save some money.’
‘So you can get out of here? Isn’t that what every teenager in Smithson wants to do? Get out of here?’
‘Well, yeah. Eventually. It’s hard with Mum. She’s … well, her health is up and down.’
‘She needs you.’
He shrugs. ‘I guess.’
Rain smatters on the bonnet, slowing. I feel like I’m running out of time. ‘Rodney, were you here with her that night? Arranged to meet but it went bad? Did you fight?’
‘No.’ He shakes his head furiously.
‘You need to tell us. I know you were seeing her. Someone saw you together. I want to help you, Rodney.’
I’ve thrown in Izzy’s alleged sighting, hoping it will prompt him to speak. I think about getting a confession and the look on Felix’s face when he finds out. I feel sick.
Rodney grabs my hand and pulls it towards his chest, wrapping his other hand around it.
‘Rodney!’ Sparks shoot up my arm and burn into my own chest. He pulls my hand to his mouth, mumbling into it. His breath tickles my skin and I don’t want him to stop.
‘I cared about her. A lot. I really did. But we didn’t do anything. I never saw her outside of school. She wouldn’t. I would never have hurt her. I swear.’ He releases the grip on my hand slightly. ‘Now I’m just kind of half asleep, you know? I don’t really know what to do with all the time. It’s like—’ he wipes at his eyes ‘—there seems to be a lot more time now. I miss talking to her.’
He looks so helpless. An inky-eyed puppy. I want to bundle him up and hold him like I hold Ben when he first wakes up in the morning. Then Rodney grips my hand again with an urgency that feels dangerous. He laces his fingers around it. I know I should pull away, tell him it’s wrong, and a wave of confusion slides through me. An odd shiver of desire. I see a flash of white—a car is turning into the car park—and I yank my hand from Rodney’s grip.
The rain has stopped and the world looks vibrant and sated.
‘Your bike,’ I say.
He sees the other car and nods, opening the door and pulling his hood up over his head. Leaning into the door, he says, ‘I didn’t hurt her. I would never have done that.’ He runs off towards the lake, the flat echo of the slamming door pulsing through my thoughts. He disappears between the trees and I lean back in my seat, my hands in my hair, pulling the skin on my face to either side. I choke on a sob that rises in my throat as my face collapses. I bite my lip hard and pull air into my nose and then release it slowly through my mouth. From shaky to steady. My body aches for Felix. I want to hold Ben. I want to go back in time to talk to Jacob. To stop myself from sending that note.
A man in his sixties has got out of his car and is attaching a leash to his dog’s collar. The dog is a wriggling ball of fuzzy hair and is finding great joy in dancing through the brand-new puddles. The man looks at me curiously, then gives me a polite nod. He walks off, his dog jumping in mad circles as he coaxes it along the path. He probably thinks Rodney is my boyfriend and we’ve fought.
My car feels empty without Rodney. I want to be close to him again, together in our pain. I turn the engine on and sit there trying not to think until my heartbeat matches the thrum of the windscreen wipers and my mind is blank.
Chapter Sixty-one
Tuesday, 29 December, 3.34 pm