A buzzer goes off and we both jump to find our respective devices. Anna tugs at her lips with her teeth as she calls in to get her message, her brow furrowed.
‘Everything okay?’
‘Yeah. Car accident near Ford. I might have to head there later but Jonesy thinks the team in Paxton will get it.’ She swallows a large mouthful of wine. ‘Can’t get wasted though, just in case.’
‘I have to be home early-ish anyway. I’ll be up with Ben before six.’
‘I always forget you have a kid, Gem. It’s such a spin-out.’
I laugh. ‘It is weird.’
‘So this Ryan case is big. Like the Robbie thing.’
‘Yup.’
‘It’s good that Jonesy put you guys on it. You and Felix make a good team.’
There’s a lift in her statement, maybe a question, but I let it pass.
‘Did you track down the kid from her old school?’ Anna asks. ‘The one you told me about?’
‘Sort of. He’s in India, travelling and teaching, but we got his email address from his mother. He wrote back to us but it’s tricky. He’s clearly not keen to revisit the whole thing. He does maintain that she encouraged him but there’s no evidence. Possibly it was all wishful thinking on his part. I think that’s going to be as good as we get. Should we order some chips?’
‘Definitely.’ She dings the bell again. ‘I heard the press conference was rough today.’
‘It was. Jonesy did a good job though.’
‘Candy Cane went for the jugular?’
‘She always does,’ I say.
My mouth contracts in pleasure from the salty chips and we munch together contentedly. It feels strange to be out with someone other than Felix. With a jolt, I realise he’s become my only real friend.
‘You know how I asked you about the eye colour genes the other day?’
Her eyes light up. ‘Yeah. You think someone else was the Ryan girl’s dad?’
‘I do.’
‘This case is a tricky one, isn’t it?’ says Anna.
‘Well, she always was a bit of a mystery. Really hard to figure out.’
Anna looks at me and an almost imperceptible expression flashes across her face. ‘I thought you didn’t know her very well, Gem?’
‘Oh, I didn’t really,’ I say lightly. ‘I barely had anything to do with her. But she was always kind of interesting.’
‘Yeah, well, you just have to take one look at her to guess that.’ Anna tosses her hair over her shoulder and keeps her eyes on me. ‘Anyway, as long as you’re okay to work on it.’
‘Of course. Even if I knew her well, I’ve learned how to shut off. You know, never let the personal get in the way.’
‘Yeah,’ says Anna, throwing back the last of her wine. ‘It sucks. Our job seems to make sure that nothing personal gets in the way. Or in my bed.’ She leans close to me and grins. ‘Wanna hear about the latest Prince Charming?’
I relax. I don’t want to talk about Rosalind Ryan anymore. ‘Definitely.’
I laugh at Anna’s dating stories, which are ripped straight from cheesy American cable, feeling a happy buzz.
‘Did you really catch him going through your wallet?’
‘Yes! Gem, I swear. The guys I meet online make the ones at the station seem like gentlemen. Even I think it’s funny.’
‘You’ll be disappointed when you meet a normal guy.’
‘Probably.’ She says it so glumly, sticking out her bottom lip, that I can’t help giggling. ‘You’re lucky all that’s behind you, Gem,’ she continues. ‘Safely married. Knowing what you’re going home to every night.’
‘I’m not married.’
‘Oh, you know what I mean.’ She waves my de facto arrangement away. ‘You’re as good as married.’
‘Yeah. I guess.’
Anna senses dangerous territory and drops the volume. ‘Gemma? Sorry. I was being flippant. Ignore me! I don’t know what I’m talking about.’
My armpits dampen. A flutter in my abdomen. ‘It’s fine. It’s just, I don’t know. Things are hard at the moment.’
Anna looks at me, concerned. She reaches out a hand and I let her slide her fingers around mine. ‘With the case?’
I want to tell her about Felix. Say it out loud and see if I can get it to make sense, but I don’t know which words to use or how to explain it. ‘I had a miscarriage,’ I say instead.
‘Oh, Gemma.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Are you okay?’ Anna asks.
‘I think so.’
‘What did the doctor say?’
I twist in my seat, wishing this conversation was over. ‘Um, nothing really. Just that it was one of those things.’
‘When did it happen?’
I look at her steadily. ‘A few weeks ago.’
‘Okay. Wow. But you’re all fine? No fever? Pain?’
‘Honestly, Anna, I’m fine. I was only a few weeks along. I didn’t need to go to hospital or anything.’
‘Okay. If you’re sure.’
We sit for a minute in silence. I regret bringing this up but it feels good to have made the pregnancy real. Good for it not to have existed completely in my mind.
‘Was it planned?’
‘Not really.’ I let my mind briefly wander to the daydream I’ve kept at bay for the past few days. I picture myself holding a brand-new baby. Handing the child to a speechless Felix. Him wrapping his arm around me as he kisses first me and then the child, breathing it in. I shake the image away, my cheekbones pulsing. ‘No. Not planned. Maybe that’s what is making it confusing. I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do.’
‘How does Scott feel about it?’
It feels like my organs are expanding inside my body. ‘Oh, you know,’ I say. ‘Not much he can do, I guess.’
‘It’s tough being with a cop. You’re so strong, Gem, he probably thinks you don’t need him.’
‘Maybe, I guess.’
‘Seriously! You should see the guys’ faces when I’m on a date and I tell them what I do. Massive buzzkill. Scott must be pretty cool, looking after Ben and putting up with the Smithson police force.’
I flash a smile at Anna and tip my head in what might be a nod.
Anna eyes me and then eats a couple of chips in quick succession. ‘Well. Life, huh? I mean I’d hate to lose you from the team, but of course it makes sense that you might have another baby someday. It’s perfectly normal. But we lose an awesome detective and get stuck with a bunch of fat guys who can have as many babies as they like without giving up anything! Fucking biology.’
I can’t help laughing. ‘It does seem ironic that most of the guys in the force are carrying more extra weight than a pregnant woman.’
‘Yes, well, I’m sorry about what happened, Gem. Really sorry. Planned or not, it’s a big thing. It’s rough on top of everything else you’re dealing with.’
I nod. ‘Yeah. Thanks. It will all turn out okay, though, I’m sure.’ My admission suddenly feels awkward. I wish I could tuck it back into my handbag.
We talk a little about Anna’s upcoming holiday to New Zealand, the food that keeps going missing from the staff fridge, how under-resourced we are, but our easy flow has been broken.