With your vicious smile.
“Is this about me?” I didn’t realize he was so close, standing on the other side of the counter. He towered over me—shadows and possibilities.
I didn’t close the notebook. I didn’t bother to shield my words from his observant eyes. He could see all of it.
“That sounds a bit narcissistic, don’t you think?” I asked, putting the pen down, not meeting his eyes like he wanted me to.
Elian chuckled and ducked his head down like a bashful dog. I thought about running fingers through his hair and scratching behind his ears. Would he roll over and show me his belly? A total act of submission?
“Yeah, I guess it did sound like that. I just meant that you wrote it now when I came in. I only wondered—”
“Do you want it to be about you?” I asked, cutting him off.
He swallowed. His throat bobbing up and down. His Adam’s apple was easier to look at right now. Easier than dancing green eyes.
“I…uh…”
“Yes,” I told him. Softly, sincerely.
Here we were, discernable moments of inescapable connection. Forged by unwitting hearts and unwilling souls. Together, in this darkness.
“Can I see you tonight?”
“Not tonight. Tomorrow,” I promised. Not tonight.
He was disappointed. I could tell. I was disappointed. I wanted to spend time with him. He was anchoring me in ways he couldn’t possibly understand.
I turned round and round, my mind spinning out of control but Elian was holding me steady. Still.
With him, I could…pretend.
But not tonight.
“Do you have plans tonight?” he asked and I found myself bristling at his question. He had no right to ask. He had no say over what I did or when I did it.
My business was my own.
“Yes,” I snapped, angry without meaning to.
Elian blinked. Long lashes covering all seeing eyes. I relaxed in the briefest second of invisibility.
“I didn’t mean to grill you. I just…Layna, there’s something going on here. With you. I’ve never—”
“Layna, there are customers that you need to ring up,” Diana’s terse voice cut through Elian’s earnest appeal.
I hadn’t realized there was a line that had formed behind Elian as I hid from his eyes. He had a way of making me forget.
“I have to work, Elian. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said, closing my notebook and shoving it underneath the counter.
“Okay. Well, if you have time later, you can come by the studio—”
“Maybe,” I interrupted.
Elian turned to leave, but I stopped him. I reached out, grabbing ahold of his arm. My fingers curled around his wrist. He went rigid, and I felt it. His falling.
“Just don’t see her,” I said. Firm. Absolute. He didn’t think I knew.
But I knew.
Elian frowned.
“When you go home tonight, go alone. Please.” It was my turn to sound desperate. Needy.
I wasn’t sure I liked it.
It made me uncomfortable.
But I didn’t take back the words. They hovered there, in the air between us. Making their point.
“There won’t be anyone else,” he promised and I believed him. There wouldn’t. I had to make sure of that.
“There’s no one else,” I echoed, letting him know that for me, it was the same.
“Good.” Elian didn’t smile. But he wanted to. I wanted to smile. But I didn’t.
We stood, unsmiling, but the joy was there.
And we felt it for reasons that were our own.
I came home from work and got a shower, changing into pajamas. My stomach knotted up and I felt faintly sick.
The clock’s ticking hammering in my ears, giving me a headache.
I wasn’t doing well.
My control was slipping.
I could feel it.
I ran in circles all day long avoiding, waiting.
Now here I was behind closed doors, enclosed by four walls. Safe. Secure. Trapped.
Nowhere to go.
Nowhere to run.
One day of the year when I allowed it all to come crashing down.