I could understand her revulsion. It’s the same I felt for her normalcy.
“I was wondering whether you could stay until close tonight. Troy has to leave early,” Diane asked, clearly assuming I’d agree. I always had before. I was dependable. I made sure of it.
But once in a while, joy could be taken in the unpredictable.
“I can’t tonight,” I replied softly, running fingers along the spines of the books, delighting in the rough, rigid texture.
“You can’t?” Diana asked, surprised. She watched my hands dancing along the books, her bushy eyebrows pulled together.
“I can’t,” I repeated, not expanding. Not offering anything else.
Tonight was different.
Tonight I’d see Elian.
He was taking me anywhere.
“Oh, well, that’s fine. I can stay. I just thought I’d ask since you’re always ready to pick up extra shifts.” Diana watched me some more and I dropped my hands regretfully from the books.
“Not tonight,” I murmured.
“Do you have plans? Where are you going?” my boss asked, seeing this as an opening. A way to know more. She and Mrs. Statham should start a club.
For just the briefest of seconds I thought about being real with her. I thought about telling her about Elian. About how when I looked at him, I felt…full. It had been a long time since I had given myself permission to share…to confide.
Isolation had kept me alive. It had kept me whole.
It was safe. For me. For them.
I didn’t like Diana. I found her detestable in many ways. She ate with her mouth open. She compulsively chewed gum, even when speaking. She had problems with personal space.
But she was someone I shared time with for a brief period and I suddenly felt…lonely.
There’s Contradiction in the Solitude.
In the end, I didn’t answer her. It was better that way.
I stood in front of the mirror in the hallway fixing my hair. I fiddled with the messy strands, frustrated when they didn’t do what I wanted them to.
My fingers stilled when I realized what I was doing.
I let out an uneasy laugh and dropped my hands. My hair didn’t matter. My pretty face, my attractive clothes, none of it was important.
This was my beginning…
I turned to walk back into the living room and knocked into the guitar case just inside the doorway. I picked it up and set it behind the couch. I didn’t play. I never planned to. But I had to have this particular guitar.
There was a knock at my door and I knew it was him.
I smoothed out my long, blue skirt and straightened the thin straps of my white tank top. I had taken more effort with my appearance tonight. I knew Elian would appreciate it.
I opened the door, and Elian’s face lit up. His dancing green eyes sparkled and his mouth smiled. And for just an instant I knew this moment was real.
“Wow,” he breathed, his eyes slowly traveling from my feet to my face. My heart was steady. Always steady. But I liked his reaction.
I started to slip out the door and join him in the hallway when Elian stopped me. “Can I use your bathroom? I got oil all over me and I need to change.” He held up a green T-shirt just the color of his eyes.
I stilled, not wanting to let him inside.
Too soon…
“It’ll just take me a minute. I promise not to go snooping through your underwear drawer. I’m not that kind of guy.” He was teasing. His flirting was meant to make me feel at ease.
It didn’t work.
But I couldn’t tell him no. I didn’t want to be rude.
So I beckoned him inside, purposefully not turning on the lights. I pointed down the hallway. “First door on the left,” I told him.
Elian held his hands out in front of him, feeling along the wall. “Uh, can you turn on a lamp before I break something?”
Buzz…