“We’re not going to behead him,” I said as Ryan turned back toward me. “He’s nice.”
“Nice,” Ryan repeated as if it was the worst thing he’d ever heard. “Nice.”
“Oh, girl,” Gary breathed. “You do not say another man is nice when your man is standing in front of you trying to be your man. Have I taught you nothing?”
“Is this really what we should be talking about?” Justin asked. “Because it would seem to me there might be one or two more important things than this asinine frivolity.”
“Ooh,” I said. “Word porn. That’s—”
“Sam,” he snapped. “As your Prince, I demand that you speak now on whatever Randall was alluding to. If you insist on continuing on as you are, I will have no choice but to make sure you poop in a bucket for the rest of your life. Do we understand each other?”
“I just got so turned-on,” Gary whispered to Tiggy. “Sorry about that.”
“It okay,” Tiggy said stroking Gary’s mane. “I used to it.”
Godsdammit. This wasn’t going to be pretty. I took a deep breath and let it out slow. “Okay,” I said. “But… just. You have to let me get this all out. No interruptions, okay?” I glanced at Ryan before looking away. “It’ll be easier if I say it all at once.”
Even Justin seemed a little worried. “Sam, it’s—”
I shook my head. “I did what I did for a reason.” I swallowed thickly. “Please remember that. I… care about all of you more than you could ever know. And all I wanted to do was keep you safe.”
Ryan’s hand was on my good shoulder, squeezing tightly.
I closed my eyes.
I started with the bird because it seemed to be the easiest of all the secrets I carried upon my shoulders. It brought a sharp inhale from Gary, as he understood just how powerful that magic was.
I told them of my vision of the Great White, who I had thought was a mountain before it had begun to move. The Great White had warned me, in that voice that sounded as if it’d come from the earth itself, that I was not ready. For what, I didn’t quite understand. Granted, I hadn’t yet faced Zero, Pat, or Leslie at that point, but still.
I looked down at my hands as I spoke of Ryan upon a slab of stone, skin bone white, eyes closed with dark smudges on the skin underneath, sword clasped in his hands, lying upon his chest. Ryan’s hand fell away from my shoulder then, and he took a step away from me. I didn’t dare look up at him, not wanting to see whatever expression was on his face. They’d known about this part, vaguely, from that day when Vadoma had whammied me in the field. I’d never spoken the specifics aloud.
I told them of the star dragon’s warning, that there would be loss, that not all of us would survive until the end. Stone crumbled, I said, voice raw and urgent, but sometimes it did not crumble to dust before it had been traveled upon.
I didn’t tell them of my wish upon the stars to become mortal. That was mine and mine alone. I had been laid bare and needed something that still belonged to me.
It was a cold comfort.
I fell silent after a while, unsure of how long I had been speaking. My voice had gone hoarse, and my throat hurt. I felt like I was twitching out of my skin.
No one spoke for a time. The silence was almost unbearable.
Gary broke it finally. “Is that all?” he asked faintly.
I started to nod but then stopped myself. Because that wasn’t everything, was it?
No, of course it wasn’t. I’d forgotten the most important thing of all.
Myrin.
“What is it?” Ryan asked, and I finally looked back up at him.
He was standing against the wall next to Justin, the two of them almost shoulder to shoulder. His face was completely blank, intentionally so, and I hated that look on him. He was angry, probably furious, but he was hiding it away. I’d seen it on him before, but it’d never been directed toward me. It hurt even more than I thought it would. I couldn’t stand the sight of it, so I looked back down. I felt smaller than ever before. It was nobody’s fault but my own. I had made these choices. Now I would have to accept the consequences.
“We think we know what Myrin’s after,” I said slowly.
“What?” Ryan said. “How the hell did you—” He laughed bitterly. “Of course you do. It was that day in Mama’s office, wasn’t it? When I came in upon you and Randall and Morgan. I asked you—” He cut himself off.
“What does he want?” Gary asked, and I hated the fear I heard in his voice.
“Me.”
“I thought that much was obvious,” Justin pointed out.
“Yeah, maybe. But it’s not just that. It’s… when he came to Mashallaha, he— It happened quickly, probably even more than I remember. One moment I was sleeping, and the next I heard his voice and he was calling to me.”
“Like dragons?” Tiggy asked.
“Sort of. I guess. With the dragons, it’s always… bright. Like little suns burning inside my head. With him, it was shadow. It was dark, and I could feel it pulling on me. Calling me toward him.”
“And you went,” Ryan said. He was angry. That much I understood at least. “You went.”
My hackles started to rise. I felt cornered. “I had to,” I snapped at him. “He was there because of me. What if he’d hurt the gypsies? They were innocent. I couldn’t take the chance of them getting hurt.”
“But you didn’t trust me enough to take me with you,” Ryan said. “You just left me there knowing what you were walking into.”
“Of course I trust you. I didn’t want you to get hurt!”
“Then you didn’t trust me to take care of myself,” he retorted. “And that’s just as—”
“Ryan,” Justin said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Now’s maybe not the time for this. Let him finish, okay? We’ve got to get this all out now.”
And wonder of all wonders, Ryan deflated under Justin’s touch. My insides were hot and oily at the sight of the Prince being able to rein in Ryan’s anger so easily. The last few weeks had obviously brought them closer together, and didn’t that thought just burn a little.
“Fine,” Ryan said. He didn’t look back up at me.
Justin’s hand slid from his shoulder, but they remained close together. He waited a beat, as if making sure Ryan wouldn’t speak again, before he motioned for me to continue.
“I, uh.” I shook my head, trying to ignore the jealousy curling within me. Justin was right. Now wasn’t the time. “Right. Um. Myrin. He came. He told me that he wasn’t here for the dragons. That he didn’t care about them. He was after something else.”
“And you believed him?” Gary asked, confused. “Why would you find truth in anything that he’d say? Of course he would tell you that. He’s just trying to distract you.”
“That’s what I thought,” I said. “At first. But….”
“The scars,” Tiggy said. “Sam go boom. Like sand mermaids. But no scars then.”
“Sam go boom,” I echoed.
“Scars?” Justin asked with a frown.
I winced as I leaned back slightly on the bed, lifting my tunic up. Even with the sling still against my chest, the lightning tree embedded into my skin was painfully clear.