The Great White was crouched down toward the ground, his massive head cocked, eyes narrowed as he watched us. The destruction from his landing was terrifying, dozens of trees having been torn from their roots, crushed under his extraordinary hands and feet. His tail lay curled around him, ending in a barbed club of what looked like pure bone. His wings were folded at his sides, and I wondered how something so large could have remained hidden for so long.
“Okay,” Kevin said, “I’m feeling a little insecure about my size right about now.”
“You,” the Great White said. “Dragon.”
“Who is he talking to?” Kevin whispered to me.
I sighed. “You’re the only other dragon here.”
“Oh. Shit. Right. Okay. I’ve got this. Watch and learn.”
“Wait! Don’t do that weird thing where you talk like—”
“Greetings, O massive one,” Kevin said. “I hear ye spaketh to me. I shall spaketh to thee in return so that thou and thine may spaketh together in conversationeth like dragons of old. Eth.”
“Godsdammit,” I muttered.
“I’m so good at negotiation,” Kevin whispered to me.
“We’re not negotiating!”
He ignored me. “Hear ye, hear ye, oh gigantic dragon! In exchangeth for your services in destroying the villain knowneth as Myrin, I offer to you a favor in return!”
“And what favor is this?” the Great White asked.
“Maybe you should stop talking,” I suggested to Kevin. “Seeing as how he could eat us both in a single bite.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, pretty,” Kevin said. “I’m a dragon. He’s a dragon. We’re practically best friends already. Besides, I know how to handle situations just like this.” He raised his voice again as he addressed the Great White. “Thou are truly a gracious dragon. And I promise, no trickery to attract thou thither.”
“That’s not even a word!”
“It is so a word! Forgive him, oh significant one! He knoweth not of what he spaketh. He is a human, so therefore he is naturally stupideth and tiny and smells odd, but I like him, so I put up with him. Thou art understandeth me?”
“Put up with me? Now you wait just a godsdamn minute—”
“A favor!” Kevin said brightly, though something sounded off about it. “If you assist us in our quest of the destiny of dragons to end the darkness that surrounds Verania, I shall bestow upon you the greatest thing I have to give: my hoard.”
“And furthermore, it is I who has to put up with you—wait. What?”
“My hoard,” Kevin repeated, not looking down at me. “I will give unto you my hoard.”
“You would give to me your hoard?” the Great White said, sounding surprised for the first time since I’d heard him speak.
“Kevin,” I said, feeling numb. “You can’t. You know what your hoard means to you. It’s—”
“It’s not much,” Kevin admitted. “I have a lot of books because I adore stories of adventure. And I have brooms. Many, many brooms for reasons I do not wish to discuss presently. But there are gold and gems and coins and all manner of shiny things. But I would give it to you if it meant you would help us.”
“All of it?” the Great White asked as thunder rippled overhead.
Kevin swallowed thickly. “All of it.”
“Stop,” I said hoarsely. “You stop it. You hear me? You stop it right now. You stupid dragon. Why would you do that?”
Kevin finally looked down at me. “Because it’s the only thing I have to give, Sam. Of course I would give it up for you. And besides, I have a second hoard already that I refuse to part with. Do you know what that hoard is?”
I shook my head, blinking away the burn.
He pulled me up until we were eye level, leaning close. “Are you ready? Are you ready to hear what my second hoard is?”
I nodded slowly, sure that I was about to hear the greatest secret in the known world.
He whispered, “I would give him my hoard of books and brooms and shinies, because I already have a second hoard that means more to me than anything else. It’s the hoard of friendship.”
I gaped at him.
He stared at me, eyes wide, unblinking.
I gaped at him some more.
He had to blink a little because of the rain.
“Dude,” I finally managed to say. “That was the dumbest thing I have ever heard anyone say ever. And it totally gave me a heart boner! You asshole.”
“Ha! I made you have feelings.”
“You bitch!”
“And since I gave you a boner,” he purred, tongue snaking out and scraping along my cheek, “I can think of at least six things we can do with it.”
“Ugh,” I moaned, trying to wipe the copious amount of dragon spit off my face. “It’s a heart boner, you dick. Not a real one.”
“Give me forty seconds. I can make it a real one.”
“Trial reconciliation,” I reminded him.
He sighed. “With my love. Yes, you’re right. I cannot do anything to jeopardize that. Good thinking. But if your mother and I choose to end it, you’ll be the first one I come to for comfort. And by comfort, I mean—”
“I know what you mean,” I said hastily.
He nodded. “Good. Good, glad you know.” Then, “Okay, but just so we’re clear, comfort means really dirty sex. Like, really gross. As in I’ll do things to you that will make you so uncomfortable, you won’t know whether to spread your legs or get a restraining order.”
“I already know which one I’m leaning toward,” I assured him. I reached out and ran my hand along the top of his snout. “You didn’t have to offer that.”
He shrugged as if it was nothing, but I could see the way his eyes darted to the side. “I’d do anything for you, Sam. You’re my friend.”
“I know,” I said. “Which is why I can’t let you do that.” I twisted in his grip until I was looking back at the Great White. “You can’t have his hoard. I won’t let you take it from him.”
“Sam—”
“No,” I told him. “That’s not how this works. You shouldn’t have to give up anything. Not one single thing. Not to him. Not to anyone.”
“Curious,” the Great White said. “You are both but children, barely having learned to crawl, but there is loyalty between you that extends so much further than one would think. I wonder if the gods could have predicted this. Tell me, youngling, why would you be willing to sacrifice your hoard for this… this human?”
“Because he would do the same for me,” Kevin said, rain sluicing down his snout.
“We’re bros,” I told the Great White. “That’s what bros do for each other.”
“He’s also my stepson who I would just destroy if he—”
“Dude.”
“Oh. Right. There’s a time and place for everything. My bad.”
“So not what I meant.”
“It’s cool. We can just talk about this later.”
“Gods, seriously.”
“My word, Sam, stop trying to argue my way into your pants. It’s unbecoming in front of present company.” He looked back at the Great White. “Sorry about this. You know how Sam gets. Oh, that’s right. You don’t know how Sam gets. Are you in for a rude awakening.”
“Heart boner gone,” I muttered.
“I have no need of your hoard,” the Great White said as he shifted, knocking down another section of the forest with his tail. “There is only one thing that I require.”