“I get plenty,” I explained once Jason joined us again. “And why are you concerned?”
Max tilted his head, then covered my hand with his. “Bless your heart, you don’t even know.”
“Know?” I repeated.
“Your balls.” He nodded. “They’re getting old.”
“They are not!” I jerked away from him. “I’m twenty-eight!”
“Next stop forty,” Max said under his breath. “Should we pick out your coffin? I’d go with oak. It’s always so nice—soothing, really.”
“Funny, I’m a fan of the darker woods myself,” Milo piped up.
“I’m not dying!”
“Shh,” Max whispered. “It’s okay.”
Patience. Patience. Patience. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, when Max was born? No praise. In fact I’m pretty sure the doctor said, “Sorry, ma’am, we did everything we could.” He’d been a pain in my ass since birth. When he was an infant he did nothing but cry; even then he knew how to push all of my buttons, repeatedly.
Jason sat down on my other side. Smart move, since I was a few seconds away from committing fratricide, and at least now Jason’s body blocked me from getting a direct shot to Max’s head with my fork. “Honestly, he’s right. I mean, it’s time to settle down.”
My eyebrows shot up. “This, coming from the guy who almost married Satan last year and since then hasn’t been able to go on a date with anyone under the age of fifty?”
“Leave Cecil out of this!” Jason defended his elderly companion, with whom he had Friday-night dinner on a biweekly basis.
“What?” I snorted and glanced around the table. “You guys all have a clock or something?”
“It’s called biology,” Max said slowly. “Don’t you read?”
“Do I—” I licked my lips and looked down. “Max, what’s this about?”
He shrugged. “Ever since Grandma.”
I started shivering in my seat. Jason wrapped his arm around me.
“Don’t touch him!” Max yelled. “That makes it worse.”
I nodded.
Jason held up his hands in surrender while the waitress set my whiskey on the table. Everyone waited while I threw back the entire thing. Max scooted his drink toward me and nodded.
So I took his drink.
And then Milo sent hers.
And really, I lost track after that, but at least I wasn’t thinking about Grandma again.
“So . . .” My vision blurred. “What’s this about ever since . . . her?”
“You’ve lost your game.” Max shook his head. “All you have left are the eyes and, let’s be honest, those have made their fair share of misfires this past week.”
“What? When?” I picked a chip off Jason’s shoulder and popped it in my mouth.
“Thanks, man,” he mumbled.
“Can we get some salsa up in here?” Colt yelled.
“Dude!” Max’s eyes widened a fraction of an inch as he leaned in; the group followed. “The mall.”
“The mall?” I repeated. “What did I do at the mall?”
“You gave the eyes to a puppy, man. Not cool.”
“It was a badass puppy!” I said defensively.
“There are ways to look at puppies, Reid, and there are ways to look at puppies. Feel me?”
“What? No! You’re crazy!”
“I’m only saying this because I love you, but the puppy started crying when you looked at it, Reid. What does that tell you?”
“I don’t know!” I rubbed my face. “I scared it?”
“Nature . . . is off because you, my friend, are off. You need to get back on the horse. Forget about Bengay. Use the power”—he pointed to his eyes—“for good. Stop staying in on the weekends! Don’t drink by yourself! And for the love of God, you don’t need to pack a gun. Jason’s grandma isn’t coming for you! All right? Now, I have a plan.”
I slammed my fist against the table. “Prison. Death. Choking.” I pointed to everyone. “Those are what your plans entail. Do I need to reference the last time you guys all had a plan? Or an idea?”
“Black eyes,” Jason added.
“Community service, damn it,” Colt muttered, grabbing a chip from Jason’s other shoulder.
“I can’t control the world!” Max lifted his hands in the air. “Jeez, I’m not God and I’m not president.” He beamed. “One day, but not now. No, it’s too soon.”
Beside him, Becca rolled her eyes. How the hell did she put up with his bullshit all the time?
“We’ll start slow.” Max shrugged. “Slow and steady wins the game.”
“Says no athlete—ever,” I sang.
“Shut it, Reid! I’m doing this because I love you!” Max turned away from me and toward the crowd. “We’ll start with a plain one and then move on from there once you’ve done your time.”
“Time as in prison?”
Max ignored me. “I see her now. Brown hair, brown eyes, not too skinny, not fat, just right.”
“We picking out a puppy?” I joked.
“You and puppies!” Max gave me a look of complete disappointment before scowling. “Stop being weird! Now walk up to her, do the eyes, and seduce her.”
“What?”
“Seduce her.” Max smiled. “It’s easy. Watch.”
He turned to Becca and nodded his head. “How you doin’?”