“It’s not out of the realm of possibility for a woman in love with a man to change her mind about having children. It happens all the time. And what would have happened if you’d agreed to have his child? What would he have done?”
“He would have left the priesthood,” she said. “The day I told him I was pregnant, he would have called the bishop.”
“Of course he would have.”
“He doesn’t want to leave the priesthood or the Jesuits. He’s never wanted to leave.”
Ballard nodded. “Whether he wants to admit it or not, Marcus is a human being. And human beings often want things they can’t have. A man wants to lose weight, but he also wants to eat ice cream. A woman who wants to marry also wants to run from relationships because she’s afraid of turning into her mother. A man who wants to be a priest also wants to marry and have children—”
“He did have a child.”
“With a married woman. He wouldn’t leave the Church to marry a woman who was already married. No reason to leave the Church, right?”
“After we found out about Fionn, after Zach told us, I asked S?ren about that night with Grace and what happened. All he said was, ‘Little One, please believe me, I was meant to do this.’ And I believed him. When I held Fionn in my arms I knew it was true. He was meant to be that boy’s father. Why, I don’t know and I don’t care. But he was.”
“I’m old school where children are concerned,” Ballard said. “I think every child is part of God’s plan. But maybe this little boy—this miracle as you call him—maybe he’s a very special part of the plan.”
A fresh tear ran down her cheek. She started to wipe it away with the back of her hand, and he handed her a tissue from his stash.
“Thank you,” she said, dabbing her eyes, once more the duchess, no more the troubled teenaged girl.
“You’re welcome. We all need a good cry every now and then. I had one myself just this morning.”
“Did you stub your soul too?”
“I looked in the mirror without bracing myself.”
“Hush, you’re very handsome.”
“What did I say about flirting with me?”
“Sorry, sorry.” She held the tissue in her hand. Her eyes were bright green, incandescent from her tears. “He did it to protect me. That’s all.”
“That’s all it is,” Stuart said. “But you can still be hurt by it. You should forgive him, though. His intentions were good.”
“They were. They always are where I’m concerned. I’ll forgive him, I promise. Once I get up the courage to confess to him I looked through his Bible.”
“Good luck with that. He still scares the shite out of me.”
“Oh, no, he doesn’t.”
“He doesn’t, but don’t tell him that. It’ll hurt his little feelings.”
“You’re a very good priest,” she said. “I’m glad we finally got to meet. He speaks very highly of you.”
“Not so fast. You still haven’t given me a real sin yet. I can’t wrap this thing up until you do. It’s not reconciliation until I’ve absolved and reconciled you.”
“We went over everything. I have committed no mortal sins.”
“Make something up then!”
“Um…” She held up her hands. “Come on, Nora, you make up stuff or a living. Wait. I got it. Daniel Craig.”
“The actor?”
“Yes, him. James Bond. He’s married.”
“He is.”
“I want to fuck him.”
“Well, who doesn’t? He shows up in half the confessions I hear.”
“Doesn’t Jesus say that if you look upon someone and lust after them in your heart, you’ve committed adultery?”
“He does, yes. But we’re fairly certain lust means you’d do it if given the opportunity. Simple sexual attraction doesn’t count as lust.”
“It’s not simple sexual attraction. I’d steal him from his wife, and we’d run away to Italy and live together in a crumbling Tuscan palazzo, and we’d leave the world behind, and it would be nothing but wine and food and sex until we ate ourselves, drank ourselves, and fucked ourselves to death. Now that’s lust. But more importantly, it’s adultery.”
“That is adultery. Excellent. Well done.”
“So you can absolve me?”
“I will the second you tell me who we’re really talking about.” He raised his eyebrows at her and waited.
“You’re good,” she said. “Very good.”
“I’ve had a lot of practice seeing through masks. Take off yours.”
“Zach,” she said with a heavy sigh. “Grace’s husband. My editor. I still have feelings for him. Very strong feelings that make me tempted to do things I shouldn’t do.”
“You and Marcus have a complicated relationship with this couple, don’t you?”
“Understatement of the century. And it doesn’t help that I traded Grace a night with S?ren for a week with Zach. She ended up with a child. I ended up with a…I don’t know, a dream of what could have been. And the man is ridiculously so good at anal.”
“Eleanor.”
“An ass-master, I swear. He’s better than Nico and S?ren and they’re both fantastic. Every night for a week. I couldn’t walk, but I was happy.”
“You’re trying to give me a heart attack. That’s not nice.”
“Sorry. Sorry.” She raised her hands in surrender. “I had to get that out.”
“I think you keep as many secrets from him as he keeps from you.”