“I know it is. It just…has to be at the right moment.” I spread my hands. “And I still don’t know how to tell him. What to tell him.”
“That’s simple. Tell him he’s a replacement for your bestest friend in the whole world and he’d better do a good job.”
I have to laugh at this.
She smiles. “You can also tell him the truth, you know.”
A part of me sinks and my mouth quivers. “That’s it, though. I don’t know what the truth is yet.”
“Is it coming together?”
I shrug. “Slowly.”
“Then that’s all you can ask for.” She smacks my arm, shaking us both out of the moment. “Now who’s going to show me around San Diego while I’m here? Don’t make me call a cab—”
I smack her arm and reach for my purse. “Shut up and get in my car.”
Gretchen laughs. “There she is.”
I say goodbye to Gretchen three days later on the sidewalk of the airport, my flip flops and tank top not enough warmth in the surprising gust of cold wind coming off the bay. There are a few clouds, too, indicating rain. (At least, that’s what the weatherman hopes.) I shuffle the bottom of my shoes on the ground while I wait for her to gather her purse and suitcase from her side of the car. I start to cry when she turns toward me and her eyes are already brimming with tears and ohmyGodwhy. I remember this now, like I remembered it last time, and the time before that. It’s not the same—texts, phone calls, Skype. Eventually, though, I’m going to forget that it’s better in person. I’ll forget for the sake of my sanity, so I can pretend like it’s okay that we live so far away.
“I think you’re crap,” she whispers as she hugs me.
“I think you’re the crappiest,” I reply.
“That’s not how this works, Bernice.”
“Yes, it is.” I squeeze her tighter. “And stop using my full name.”
“Get used to it, will you? Levi’s going to think it’s sooooo sexy when you tell him.”
“Shh, oh my God, Gretchen,” I hiss.
“What?” Her laugh shakes our hug. “He won’t be able to resist its charm.” Then she pretends to be Levi, standing on her tiptoes over me, deepening her voice an octave and saying, “Come hither, Bernice. Hubba hubba!”
I poke her side, eliciting a shriek. I’m laughing harder than I have since before Papa died. “That’s the dumbest and most un-Levi-like thing I’ve ever heard.” Then I hug her again, to make up for the hug I won’t get when I wake up the next morning. “Have a safe flight, okay?”
“I won’t die, if that’s what you’re asking me.”
I laugh, but it’s also a sob. “See you someday, freak.”
She grabs onto her bags, hoisting her purse over her shoulder, and says, “I think you’re the most crappiest person of all time, ever.” Directing her best smile at me over her shoulder, Gretchen disappears into the airport.
I let her win. This time.
The drive home is long, but it isn’t lonely. Gretchen calls me while she waits in the security line, effectively proving that we are suckers for each other.
“Indestructible suckers,” she protests when I tell her this, and that makes me laugh again.
“Infinite suckers,” I say.
But when I pull into my driveway, we’re quick to say goodbye. Not just because her line has gotten shorter, but because there’s an unfamiliar car in my driveway. I gather my things and head for the door, only to find my brother and Keagan and Elle in the doorway.
Elle whirls around the second she hears me coming up the stairs and throws her arms around my neck. “Beeeee!” she shouts. “You’ve been away from the office so much lately and we miss you!”
I close my eyes and hug her tight. She must not know we broke up, I think, and curse Levi for being such an angel. “I’m sorry…”
“Oh, don’t be. Levi told us what happened. Gosh, Bee.” She shakes her head, squeezing my arm. “I’m so sorry. Your dad must have been amazing, the way everyone talks about him…”
“Thanks. We’re…coping.”
She nods. “I’m so glad Tom could come tonight. We invited you but he said you were busy.”
I smile. “What did you do?”
“Just went to a movie, us and Levi. It was Keagan’s treat.” She nods her head to the right, toward Keagan.
Keagan, who is looking at me right this second. Keagan, who is not smiling, who does not look amused, whose jaw is tight like he’s trying not to say something. But then the moment passes and he shakes Tom’s hand like nothing’s wrong. “See you later,” he says, and stalks off down the path.
I glare at Tom. “What was that all about?”
He shrugs. “What was what?”
I know he knows what I’m talking about. “Keagan looked like he was mad at me. He didn’t even say hi.” This is so not like Keagan. And Elle can only shrug, as confused as I am.
All right, fine then, if that’s how it’s going to be.
I drop my purse and rush after him, sliding in front of his car door before he can unlock it. “Keagan,” I say. “What’s wrong?”
His scowl deepens. “Please move.”
“Dude, don’t lie to me. You’re always so nice to me. Did I do something?”
He works his jaw. “Bee,” he says. His voice is quiet, thoughtful, a little bit sad. “I don’t want to get into this right now.”
I raise an eyebrow.
He grunts.
I raise both eyebrows, and say, “You have no choice. I’m staying here.”
He shakes his head. “I…” Then he sighs. “All right, look. I’m really, really sad about your dad, Bee. And you have one thousand valid reasons to be sad, and angry, and hurt. But you…really hurt him, and that’s a little hard to understand.”
“Bee hurt who?” Elle says, huffing as she runs up to us. She looks like a referee waiting for a fight to break out.
I don’t look away from Keagan—I can’t. I love his honesty. But I do lower my voice when I say, “How bad was it?”
Keagan’s eyes darken. “Bad, like…really bad. Let me ask you this: Have you ever seen Levi depressed?”
I shake my head no. (It’s actually very hard to imagine.) “Oh, my God.” Elle covers her mouth. “Did you break up with Levi?”
Keagan is not amused. “Elle, please.”
Elle’s eyes widen as if she is starting to understand everything. Scurrying away, she says, “Well, um, I’ll…be in the car.”
Keagan looks at me as Elle shuts her door, his eyes saddened by a weight he’s carrying, a burden I don’t quite understand. “I hadn’t seen him depressed either—until the day after you broke up with him. He came to work and didn’t say a word the whole time, didn’t even take his break, just plugged in his headphones and listened to music for seven hours. Then he told Michael that he’d need a few days off work because he wasn’t feeling well.”
I start to say something, but Keagan interrupts me. “And then,” he says, “on top of that, he grabbed all of his work from the TCP office and took it home with him and stayed inside. For three days. I don’t know if you know how hard that is for Levi to do, but it’s really hard. He scared the shit out of me—wouldn’t even answer his phone for the first day.”