I cringe. “Actually, can we not talk about my dad today?”
His expression dims. “Not good, then? But okay, we don’t have to talk.” He runs a hand through his wavy hair (it’s long now, to his jaw) and gives me that sad smile everyone gives me when they feel bad about my life. “What’s up?”
“I was hoping…I thought…Levi would be working.” But now that the words are coming out of my mouth, I’m certain he’s not here, and maybe it was silly of me to show up in the first place. The window that looks down into the garage shows only dark and shadowy machinery.
Keagan gives me a look. “He’s at a meeting…for The Color Project?”
I try not to look surprised, or choke, or feel embarrassed.
Keagan sees all of this anyway. “Did he not tell you?”
I am wordless. I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out, so I just spread my hands.
“Shit. You guys are fighting, aren’t you? He came in for a makeup shift last night and he looked horrible.”
I think my knees want to crumble underneath me. “I’m sorry I bugged you, Keagan,” I say, and start to go.
“Bee,” he says, in a way that makes me stop even though I want to leave right now. I stop because I know he’s got something important to say. (Keagan only ever seems to say important things.) “I’m not busy until five.” He checks the clock on the wall. “Another hour, at least, so give it to me.”
With almost no hesitation, I cave. He doesn’t know me, I realize. Not personally, at least, which means he doesn’t know the mistakes I’ve made, the things I’m afraid of. I trust Levi too much to think he’d rat on me and all my issues, so Keagan becomes a clean slate for me to work out all my problems on.
I need this more than anything.
Folding my arms over my chest, I sit beside him on the edge of the desk (Dear Greg, sorry we made a mess sitting on your neatly organized paperwork. Love, Bee & Keagan) and give him he watered-down version of everything that happened. I don’t tell him about my name; I do tell him about feeling lost. I try to tell him that I’ve shut Levi out and shut myself in; instead, it comes out as I don’t know how to be this person. But despite how many times I jumble my words and have to repeat myself, he listens. It’s so very…Keagan.
When I’m done, he nods once, as if he expected all this. “You’re overthinking this,” he says with confidence, crossing his arms, hair tucked behind his ears. “I bet you anything that Levi looked so awful last night because he was thinking of all the ways he was wrong.”
“But he wasn’t wro—”
Keagan laughs, surprising me, cutting me off. “Levi’s a nice guy, really—I told you before that he’s the nicest, and I’ll always back that—but he hates rocking the boat. It’s just his thing, you know?”
I didn’t know that. And knowing it doesn’t exactly make me feel better.
“Don’t stress it too much, okay?” Keagan nudges my elbow.
I stand up. “I’m trying not to.”
“Hey.” Keagan stands with me, looking at me thoughtfully. “I assume you guys are hanging out tomorrow, anyway, right?”
I shiver, but I’m not sure why, because this heat is wretched. “Not…no…we didn’t have plans. Why?”
Keagan rolls his eyes. “Levi’s a dumb-ass drama queen. It’s his birthday tomorrow.”
I can feel my eyes bulging. “What?!”
“Yeah, I know, right? He has this thing about his birthday—he gets shy about celebrating. I found out from Suzie years ago and have been telling everyone since then, getting groups of people together to hang out, watch movies or go out for burgers in OB or something. One year he even tried to trick us and pretend he was out of town, but we soon found out from his mom that he was just trying to avoid the attention.”
“That’s stupid,” I say, drily, because it is.
“Yeah, well, we think so, too. I assumed he’d tell his girlfriend, of all people.”
I think, Maybe he was planning to, before, but I don’t say it. (I wonder if Keagan thought it, too.) I have more questions now than before, which makes my head ache. “No, he didn’t tell his girlfriend.”
“Okay. That settles it. You’re joining us tomorrow for dinner. Stop by the shop at five, and we’ll all drive to his house together.”
I nod, trying to imagine this scenario playing out. It could only be good, right? Maybe this will lighten his spirits, and mine, and we could talk in a civilized manner. This time, I promise myself I won’t run from him, and I pray he won’t leave me behind.
I pull my purse higher on my shoulder and smile, albeit shakily, and thank Keagan with a hug. “I’ll be there.”
Chapter 41
There are quite a few of us on Levi’s doorstep: Keagan, Tom, Elle, Nikita, Suhani, Michael, Greg, and some random boys I don’t know but assume are from the shop. Elle’s carrying two packs of beers, the twins brought non-alcoholic beverages, and Tom’s got three bags of chips. One of the boys I don’t know is carrying two movies and a video game that he claims is the sequel to Levi’s favorite.
I realize, quite gloomily, that I didn’t know Levi likes playing video games, that he likes them enough to have a favorite.
The sun’s already gone down and Suzie has turned on all the lights. (We waited until later in the evening for two reasons: to not interfere with family dinner plans, and to make him think he’s getting out of a birthday surprise this year.) It only takes a few seconds after we knock before Suzie swings open the door, her smile as wide as I expected it to be.
“Oh, he’s going to love this, you guys.” Suzie hops excitedly (three times exactly) before letting us in. I hang back, letting the others go ahead of me. Suzie shuts the front door and yells, “Hey, birthday boy, come see your present!”
“Mom, you already got me something!” Levi shouts back. A second later, he runs into the room. His bare feet skid on the wood as he sees us and comes to a startled halt. “What. Is. Going. On?”
“Ha!” Keagan shouts. “You thought you were getting out of it this year.”
Levi rubs a hand over his face, chuckling. “I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. What was I thinking?”
“I don’t know, man.” Keagan clasps his hand and smacks the back of his head. “Happy birthday.”
Levi still hasn’t seen me, but I know the moment is inevitable. He looks tired, with dark circles under his eyes and his clothes slightly askew, but he also looks relatively happy. He goes through the group, passing out hugs and laughing with each person as they wish him a happy birthday.
It isn’t until he reaches for a hug from Elle that he sees me, and my heart flips, and my throat strangles. I hadn’t really thought about how this moment would go, just that it would go one of two ways: good or bad. But in reality, it’s neither. (Or a little bit of both.) His eyes land on me at the back of the group, and his smile fails us both, and I want to sink into oblivion.