‘But it’ll probably be a takeaway,’ I add. ‘My multi-tasking skills seem to have deserted me since having this one. I can’t cope with cooking anything more complicated than ready-made pasta or jacket potatoes.’ This was a good idea. I’m already beginning to feel like my old self again. The funny, smart woman I’ve always been. Not the paranoid, anxious, wretched creature I’ve been impersonating for the past week. Where has the real me been hiding?
I spend the next fifteen minutes showing Daisy off to all my colleagues. She’s handed around like a parcel, but she doesn’t seem to mind. She’ll probably be exhausted for the rest of the day. So will I. I’ve got out of the habit of talking this much.
Tim clears his throat and nudges me in the ribs with his elbow as Stephen Parkfield comes into the staff room. Like the subjects of an emperor, we all cower a little under Parkfield’s all-encompassing gaze, his tall frame taking up more than just physical space.
‘Kirstie,’ Parkfield says, smoothing down his tie. ‘Nice to see you here with, ah, your little one.’
He’s obviously forgotten her name. I give him an awkward smile. ‘Just brought Daisy in to say hello to everyone. I won’t stay long.’
‘Very good, very good.’ His eyes sweep the room again, like he’s bored of us already.
‘Would you like a cupcake?’ I proffer the cardboard box.
He peers in the carton at the remaining cakes. ‘Yes, thank you. I’ll take it into my office.’ He chooses a chocolate one and makes a swift exit. I know he’s not happy about the disruption I’ve caused by bringing my daughter in. He probably wanted to give his usual back-to-school staff room pep talk, but I’ve scuppered his plan.
I scan the room and see that Daisy is currently being cooed over by Madame Cambron, the head of languages, and Danielle, the drama teacher. Tim murmurs something in my ear.
‘Hmm?’
‘I said, you know this is Parkfield’s last term here?’
‘Really?’ I can’t hide my pleasure at the news. ‘I was going to ask you about that actually. His house has just sold so I did wonder if he was leaving.’
‘No more living next door to the boss.’
‘I know, right.’ I grin.
‘Caroline’s taking over until they can find a replacement.’ Caroline is the deputy head, a far more approachable member of staff than our present leader.
‘Where’s he going?’ I ask, my eyes trying to ascertain Daisy’s whereabouts.
‘Not sure,’ Tim replies. ‘The latest rumour is he’s got a job at a school in Yorkshire, but no one’s actually asked him outright, and he hasn’t volunteered the information.’
My mind isn’t on the conversation any more, I’ve lost sight of Daisy. Madame Cambron is pouring herself a cup of tea, and Danielle is rummaging around in her handbag. Neither of them has her. A tight, panicky sensation begins to claw at my throat.
‘Are you okay?’ Tim asks. ‘You’ve gone a bit pale.’
‘Can you see Daisy anywhere?’ My vision has begun to blur and I hear the wobble in my voice, betraying my fears. I can’t overreact. Not after what happened yesterday. I force myself to take a breath and try not to panic. But it’s not working. I feel as though I’m being sucked into a deep, dark tunnel.
Tim narrows his eyes at me. ‘Kirstie? Are you okay?’ he repeats.
‘I can’t see my daughter anywhere.’ I stumble away from him and begin weaving my way through the crowded staff room, shouldering my way past my oblivious colleagues, who are happily eating cake and laughing, with no idea of my increasing fear. I’m such an idiot. How could I have let her out of my sight for a second?
‘Kirstie,’ Tim calls out from behind me.
But I ignore him. I have to find Daisy. Anyone could have snuck in here and taken her. They could have followed me all the way from my house, waiting for my back to turn for a moment before snatching her away. After yesterday’s scare, I should have been more careful. Everyone’s faces blur and I have to stop myself from yelling at all of them to stop what they’re doing and help me find my child.
‘Kirstie!’ Tim grabs my shoulder, but I shrug him off. I’m losing it. My breaths are shallow gasps and sweat is forming in my armpits, on my top lip, sliding down my back and breastbone. I’m going to scream or faint any minute.
Eighteen
‘Kirstie, stop.’
I try to shake Tim off once more, but this time he has hold of my arm, stopping my manic progression through the staff room.
‘Daisy’s over there,’ he says gently.
At his words, I whirl around, hardly able to dare believe it.
‘She’s there,’ he says, ‘look, by the window with Caroline.’
I follow his line of sight to see my daughter sitting contentedly on the deputy head’s knee while she chats away to her. I realise some of my colleagues are already beginning to stare at me with bewildered looks on their faces, but I couldn’t care less what they think. I make my way over to my daughter and have to force myself not to snatch Daisy out of Caroline’s arms.
‘She’s adorable Kirstie. I just want to kidnap her and take her home with me,’ she jokes.
But it’s not a joke that I find amusing. Thankfully the bell goes and everyone begins to gather their things. Caroline stands and reluctantly hands Daisy back to me while talking about something to do with GCSE results. I nod and fake smile without hearing what she’s saying, but I manage to squeeze out a strangled goodbye before turning my attention back to my daughter.
‘Kirstie,’ Tim says with a frown, ‘what just happened?’
‘I think I need to sit down for a sec.’ I plonk myself down on the battered sofa. I attempt to pull myself together, get my breathing under control. Tim must think I’m some kind of madwoman.
He sits next to me. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Fine,’ I lie. ‘Just a bit over-protective, and tired. New baby, no sleep.’ I roll my eyes in an attempt to be light-hearted. ‘Hadn’t you better get going? You’ll be late for your next lesson.’
‘It’s Year Twelve. They’ll be fine for a couple of minutes. I’m more concerned about you. Tell me what’s up. What made you panic like that?’
I take a breath. I can’t tell him about all my paranoia. About the voice in the monitor, my odd neighbour Martin, my obsessive checking that the house is secure. My terror that someone out there wants to take Daisy. And even if I did feel comfortable enough to say anything, now is not the time. Tim has to go to his class. I force myself to my feet. ‘Honestly, Tim, I’m absolutely fine. Must have been an allergic reaction to the crap instant coffee.’ I plaster a grin to my face.
‘It is pretty bad coffee,’ Tim replies. ‘But you can always tell me if there’s something going on. I’m a good listener.’
‘I know you are.’ I drag my gaze from Daisy’s face to give Tim what I hope is a reassuring smile. ‘But I’m fine.’
‘Okay, well as long as you’re all right…’
‘I’m great. Honestly. Go.’
‘Okay, I’m going. It was lovely to see you both. Daisy is beautiful.’ I rise to my feet and he gives me a hug. ‘Call me any time.’ Finally he leaves.
Standing in the empty staffroom, clutching a newly grizzling Daisy, I’m relieved to have her back in my arms. So why then am I trembling? Why is my heart still thumping out of my chest? A wave of something else sweeps across me – is it fear? Loneliness? I’m not sure. It’s a sense of being apart from everyone else. Of feeling different. Separate. I don’t want to be here any more, but I don’t want to go home either.