‘Uh oh,’ he says, opening his eyes. ‘Sounds ominous.’
I wrench my gaze away from Daisy and turn to look at my husband. ‘Not really. Well, sort of. I’ll just come out and say it. It’s about Mel.’
‘What about her?’ He leans forward.
‘The thing is, I’ve been lending her money.’
‘Ri-ight.’
‘Quite a lot of money.’
‘How much?’ Dom asks.
I wince. ‘About seven hundred pounds.’
‘Bloody hell.’ He rocks back in his chair, so it’s on two legs. I worry he’ll fall back and crack his head on the patio flagstones, but I don’t tell him to stop.
‘I know,’ I say. ‘It wasn’t all at once. It was bits here and there. But it’s kind of added up. And the thing is, each time I lent her some she promised she’d pay me back, but she never has.’
‘Ah, it’s okay,’ Dom says, bringing his chair back onto four legs. ‘She’s our friend. I don’t mind helping her out if she’s struggling.’
‘Really?’ I say, eying him suspiciously. He doesn’t seem to be batting an eyelid. I thought he’d go ballistic. He’s always so careful with money. ‘I told her I wouldn’t lend her any more until she pays the rest back. I had a bit of a go at her, actually.’
He frowns. ‘Did you fall out?’
‘To be honest, I’m not exactly sure. I did lose my cool a bit. She got a bit upset, and she cried.’
‘You made her cry? That’s not like you, Kirst.’
‘It was just one tear, but I think it was more for sympathy. She started telling me how hard it was being a single mum…’
‘I suppose it is hard though, Kirst. Maybe you were a bit harsh? I’m sure she’ll pay it back when she can.’
‘Dom, I don’t want to be mean but I’m pretty sure we’ll never see that money again. And we can’t really afford it. I’ve already gone overdrawn because she didn’t pay me back yesterday like she said she would.’
‘Want me to transfer some money to your account?’ he asks.
‘Would you? Thank you.’
‘I feel sorry for her,’ Dom says. ‘It can’t be easy.’
I don’t point out that her ex-husband is loaded and pays Mel a hefty amount of maintenance. I don’t want to come across as churlish. Mel always manages to make me feel guilt, even when she’s not here. ‘Well we can’t lend her any more money. And I’ve told her that, so hopefully she won’t ask again.’
‘Well, if we’re getting things off our chests,’ Dom says, ‘there’s something I need to tell you, too.’ He has that hesitant, apologetic tone in his voice, the one where he knows I won’t like what he’s going to say. He takes a swig of his tea.
‘What? What is it?’ I reply. Maybe that’s why he was fine with me lending Mel money. Maybe what he’s about to tell me is far worse.
‘I need to go out training today,’ he says.
‘Oh.’ My heart plummets. I thought he might. It’s not the end of the world, but my anxiety is already kicking in. It’s lonely enough during the week with him at work all day, but leaving us on a Saturday too makes my heart twist.
‘The thing is,’ he says. ‘I really need to train tomorrow, too.’
‘What! Both days?’
‘I know, I’m sorry. It’s only for the next six weeks. Once the triathlon’s finished I’ll be home earlier after work and my training won’t be so full on. But if I want to do well, I need to train. Otherwise there’s no point competing.’
‘You want to train at weekends for the next six weeks?’
‘If that’s okay with you.’
I sigh at the thought of endless lonely weeks rolling out in front of me, suddenly feeling a renewed sympathy for Mel, who’s on her own all the time. ‘Look,’ I say, ‘I don’t want to stop you doing something you love. It’s just… I get lonely. And what about Daisy? She loves having you at home too. It’s just the two of us here by ourselves all day, every day. We so look forward to having you home at the weekends.’
‘I know. I’m sorry. But you can hang out with Mel, can’t you? Or your mum and dad… they love having you over.’
‘Yeah, I can. But you’re my husband. I married you to spend time with you, not Mel or my parents.’
‘I know, I know.’ He stares down at his mug of tea.
‘Don’t you like spending time with us?’ I ask, knowing that’s an awful question to ask.
‘Of course I do!’ His face goes scarlet. ‘I love spending time with my girls, you know I do.’ He frowns and shakes his head. ‘Look, do you want me to knock it on the head, cancel the triathlon?’
‘No, of course not,’ I reply. Sport is his passion. When he was younger, he wanted to be a footballer, but he wasn’t quite good enough to go professional. Now he’s got his fitness back he’s become almost fanatical about training and competing again. It’s all amateur stuff, but he takes it as seriously as he used to take his football. I never minded when I was working, but now that I’m home all day with Daisy, I feel his absence more keenly. I hate feeling like this: needy, lonely. It’s not me. It’s not who I am. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’d rather be training than spending time with us. I guess I feel rejected. Although maybe that’s me being melodramatic.
I take another sip of my tea. ‘It’s fine,’ I say with a sigh. ‘Of course you need to train. I know it’s only short term.’
‘Are you sure?’ He doesn’t wait for me to reply. ‘Thank you, Kirstie. I’ll make it up to you once the race is over. I promise.’
I don’t reply. What can I say? I try to push down any lingering stabs of resentment. Before having Daisy, there wasn’t any other pull on his time – I never minded him spending a lot of time on his outside interests. I’ve always been quite independent and enjoyed my own company, so it was never an issue. But since being on maternity leave, away from the company of other adults, I feel more isolated, adrift. It doesn’t help that Dom’s mother has always spoiled him, cherishing him like a prince. I suppose I’ve mimicked her example and continued to treat him the same way, always happy for him to do what he wants, when he wants, going along with whatever plans he makes. So now, when I need him to be a little less self-obsessed, he can’t understand it. Can’t see why I suddenly need him to look after me for a change. He’s not trying to be difficult – he simply doesn’t understand how I’m feeling.
Now I wonder if my need for him is pushing him away. If he’s going off me. Things have been different between us lately. We’ve hardly touched one another since Daisy was born. We’re less romantic and more like friends. Yet isn’t that to be expected? Isn’t that how it is with all couples after they have a baby?
Maybe I need to make more of an effort again. I just wish Dominic would look at me more. See the girl he fell in love with. Think about me, rather than his precious triathlon. I feel like everything is slipping out of my grasp. My perfect life is sliding into the mud and I don’t know how to pull it back. The sunshine suddenly feels too bright, the sky too blue, the birdsong jarring.
‘Are you okay, Kirst?’ he asks.
I shrug, knowing my body language is laying a guilt trip on him, but I can’t pretend I’m happy about this.
He sighs. ‘How about if I just do one day at the weekend?’
‘Could you?’ I feel my whole body lighten. ‘That would be so much better.’
Dom’s face drops. ‘Okay,’ he replies, tight-lipped.
‘What’s the matter?’ I ask, suddenly realising he expected me to say, No, that’s okay, you go ahead and train all weekend.
‘Nothing,’ he replies. ‘It’s fine.’
‘It’s obviously not fine,’ I snap.
‘It’s just… oh never mind.’
‘What?’ I say. ‘It’s just what?’
‘Well, it’s just that it’s only two half-days at the weekends. Six weeks will go by really quickly.’
‘Look, Dom, I already said it was fine to do both days. Then you suggested doing one day and I said yes that would be great. So don’t make me out to be the bad guy, okay?’ My voice has become shrill and I’m guessing the neighbours can hear our pathetic argument, but I’m too annoyed to be embarrassed about it.
‘So you’re okay with me doing the two days then?’