“Really,” I said, not listening.
He glanced up at me as I slowly stirred the porridge. “Let’s see if they have something more cheery.” There’s always a couple of those humorous or nice-ending stories to lift spirits, and he read one out to me about an air raid warden who was paroling the village of Upper Leigh when he felt a gun in his back and thought the Nazis had invaded. He put his hands up quickly, and as he gradually turned around, he realized he was being held up by a huge heron—he had backed into the bird’s beak thanks to the blackout.
I smiled, but my spirits remained unlifted, and he gave me a heavy pat on the shoulder before leaving for Litchfield Park. I’m sure he wouldn’t be so nice to me if he’d heard the full story.
I went back to tidying the kitchen, and heard Mrs. Tilling come in. They spoke quietly as they passed in the hallway, and then I heard the front door close as he left.
“Hello,” Mrs. Tilling announced as she breezed into the kitchen. “The Colonel tells me you made him breakfast, which I must say was immensely good of you. Now put the kettle on and let’s have a little chat.”
“Is she all right?” I said hastily, busying myself with filling up the kettle.
“I think she’ll be fine,” she said, to my immense relief. “But she lost the baby.”
I know what that means. And I know that my telling Henry was the last thing she needed. She’s been so weak since the bombing. This must have tipped her over the edge. I plonked myself down on a chair, laid my arms on the table, and sank my head into them. “It’s all my fault.”
“It’s not your fault, Kitty,” she said, putting her arm around my shoulders. “Henry should take responsibility for his own actions, although it probably wasn’t helpful of you to tell him. The scene was monstrous. It was too much for her in the end.”
I began crying, trying not to, of course. Poor Mrs. Tilling has so much to deal with at the moment, and I’m sure she doesn’t need some infuriating tattletale girl crying on her shoulder, but each time I stopped, there was another wave behind it, waiting to surge to the front and break apart, as if my entire life had been a series of horrors waiting to be released.
Mrs. Tilling stroked my back. “We all need to remember that you’re young, with so much to learn in life. Henry should never have led you to think he might marry you, but there’s a lot more to it than that. Your mama should have talked to you about Venetia’s pregnancy, rather than pretending that nothing was happening. Venetia should never have deceived him into proposing. Your father should not have put so much pressure on Venetia to accept Henry. Henry should not have hit her. Slater should not have disappeared, leaving Venetia so heartbroken. It’s all a mess. You shouldn’t bear the whole of it on your own shoulders.”
“But why does Henry love her when he could love me? I’m the one who wants to marry him. Why can’t people love other people who love them back? Why is everyone in love with the wrong person?”
“Kitty, look at me,” she said, and I raised my bleary face from my arms. “Being a grown-up is a tough thing. We can’t choose who we fall in love with, or who falls in love with us. Whatever happens in your life, Kitty, you need to remember that you can’t change the way someone feels about you. Love is a terribly odd emotion, and can have very little to do with common sense. Sometimes it’s a cozy, comfortable feeling, like tucking yourself up in a lovely warm blanket, but other times it just washes over you completely, and you simply can’t help yourself.” She paused for a moment, dwelling on something, and then snapped out of it. “I’m sure that Henry loves you like a sister, but he feels a very different kind of love toward Venetia.”
“But I know what it feels like to be in love,” I wailed. “Don’t tell me that what I feel isn’t real!”
“It is real, Kitty.” She put her arm around my shoulders. “It’s very real.”
I cried and cried, because I had ruined everything, because Venetia would hate me, and because Henry would never love me now. He was out of my life forever.
“You’ll find someone new,” Mrs. Tilling said.