I took her hand in mine, giving her my best reassuring smile. “I’ll find out. We have a full house this evening, so try to be patient. Remember your breathing.” I looked at the wife. “Can you help her with that?”
I was given a shaky smile, and I squeezed the other woman’s hand too. They both looked to be in their late thirties, and I wondered if this was their first child. I didn’t have time to look in the patient chart, which made me feel extremely guilty.
On a normal day, I’d try to get her up and out of bed, have her walk or sit on one of the birthing balls. Maybe even take a shower, let the warm water hit her back and let gravity help with the baby’s descent. Do anything but lie in the bed and suffer the way she was suffering now.
But she wasn’t my patient, and I needed to figure out where everyone was. I gave her hand another squeeze and a gentle pat. “Either Olivia or I will be back soon.”
Hurrying out, I was so relieved to see Stephanie in the hallway, I nearly broke out in dance. “Where is everyone?” I whisper-yelled as I got closer to where she was tapping information into a computer on wheels.
She wiped a sleeve over her forehead. “Olivia and Melinda are in ER, assessing the two transfers. We don’t have any open rooms, so they’re trying to figure everything out. Everyone else is with their patients. Thanks for helping with ten. What did she need?”
“Ice chips and her epidural’s estimated time of arrival,” I told her and squirted more antibacterial foam into my hands. Some people were addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling. Me and my nerd self had a hankering for Germ-X every time I passed it.
Stephanie shook her head, her eyes filled with sympathy and concern. “I warned her that anesthesiology would be slow in coming around. On top of the big twelve car pileup on the interstate, there was a smaller pileup about a half hour ago. Got staff all over the hospital calling in to say they’re stuck in the resulting traffic jam. Everyone’s pulling overtime until they can get here.”
I pressed my fingers to my temples. “You’re kidding.”
“I wish. OR and ER are filled with victims. We’re having all maternity patients diverted, but you know how that goes. Nobody wants to change hospitals or doctors. County is already full. Cameron is calling in help, so we’ll just have to hang in there.”
Well, there goes my girls’ night out with Amy and friends.
“How about we toss out Barbie?” I asked with a flash of my teeth. “One problem solved. No, actually two problems solved. We’ll free up a bed, and I won’t be going to jail for murder.”
Stephanie laughed, her dark eyes shining in the hallway’s bright lights. “I wish.” She blew out a breath that made her lips flutter. “Dr. Pansy-ass would probably clear out the entire floor for Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags if administration would let him.”
A call bell rang, and I gave her a salute before racing down the hall. I snagged my Snapple as I hit the answer button. “How can I help you?” I took a long drink of the lukewarm tea, then chugged another while I waited for someone to talk. When they didn’t, I said again, “Hello? How can I help you?”
Nothing. Then the same call bell sounded again.
A shiver of unease snaked up my spine, and the hair on my neck stood up. Setting down the tea, I raced to room six, shoved open the door, and… shit.
“Bloody hell,” I yelled, unsure of why I suddenly sounded British. I jerked my head sideways to make the vision of the two people having sex go away. Too late.
The man — not the baby’s father, who I remembered from earlier, was a tall blond dude with a nose the size of a small child — whirled around, his four-inch pecker pointing directly at me. His curly pubic hair, definitely not blond, was almost longer than his glistening midget member, resembling a worm being consumed by a bush. The mom screamed and yanked down her hospital gown, then pulled up the pillow to cover her face.
I. Am. A. Professional.
Lifting my chin, I cleared my throat, then reached into my pocket and rummaged past the rolls of tape, the pen light, alcohol wipes, sticky notepads, and ink pens to wrap my hand around a pair of bandage scissors in case I needed them. For limited protection. Not to offer the hairy dude a much-needed trim.
This wasn’t my patient, but I’d helped Lorie earlier with her admission, and had a gist of what was going on.
“Miss Patrick, do you know this man?” I was fully aware that it appeared to be a silly question given the circumstances, but one never knew. I had to make sure some random guy wasn’t taking advantage of a patient. I pointed at the guy’s penis. “Please put that away.”
He cursed, then whirled back around, and the hiss of a zipper was the only sound in the room. I was disappointed when he didn’t catch his scrotum in the teeth and become yet another patient in our ER.
The red-faced patient pulled the pillow down just enough to peek at me. “Yes. He… he…”
The guy cursed, then faced me again. He actually took a few steps in my direction and stuck out his hand. I didn’t shake, for what I thought were obvious reasons, and he slowly lowered it to his side, his face turning redder by the second. “I’m sorry. I’m Mike, Mindy’s boyfriend. I’m the father of the baby. We… I… shit. Heard that, you know, doing it helped things along.”
My eyes slid to Mindy, who was giving me a pleading look. My eyes slowly slid back to Mike. “Sexual intercourse…” I purposefully used the official name for doing it, just to see if it made him squirm — it did, “can help initiate labor, but Mindy is in active labor.” I glanced at her chart. “She’s seven centimeters dilated.” I made a fist, which was a little larger than what Mindy’s open cervix was when she was last checked. If I had a can of soda, I’d have used it for a better visual, but the exact measurement didn’t matter right now. “That means your penis was encountering this much of the baby’s head during penetration. You’re lucky her water hadn’t broken or we’d have an even more serious infection risk here.”
And you’re lucky your pecker wasn’t longer or you’d given the kid a concussion, I wanted to add just before I kicked the asshole in the balls. I did neither.
The guy paled and began kneading the back of his neck with his hand. “I’m sorry. I thought it might also, you know, distract her from the pain. I didn’t jizz. Only trying to help.”
Jizz? What did this girl see in this man?
As if to underscore his words, Mindy had a contraction and began to squeal as it hit her hard. Mike’s eyes opened wide and he gave me a see, it’s working look before turning to hold her hand, then nearly went to his knees as Mindy squeezed his knuckles into dust. Too bad she hadn’t gotten hold of his hairy balls.
Behind me, the door opened, and I turned to find a tall blond man with a big nose coming in without knocking, and Mindy’s eyes widened in pure panic. A bead of sweat trailed down her temple as she panted through the pain.
Oh, shit.