I didn’t want to take the next step, I didn’t want to let go, so I held her until E.T. finally went home. As the credits rolled, tears marched down my face, and I could hardly find the air I needed for my lungs.
Sensing my distress, KP stood up, understanding what had happened. I couldn’t say a thing. I just held her, crying, unable to move. He smoothed his hand over my hair. “I’m so sorry,” he said, his tone so loving my heart broke a little more.
I nodded, trying to speak, but sadness blocked the words from coming out.
Still, he soothed. “You gave her a most wonderful last day. She died in your arms, eating caviar. No screenwriter could have scripted it better.”
I knew what he was saying was true, but I wanted to grab the remote and press rewind and do more, say more. Make it better.
There was no better. I was truly an orphan now.
KP kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll let you two have a few more minutes together,” he said as he went into the kitchen.
Through the fog in my brain, I heard him making some calls, then the sound of running water and clanking dishes. Soon, Athena was standing in front of me. There was suddenly a lot of movement in the room as two men came in and milled about the living room. KP seemed to be handling them. Everything he did was with a kind and loving grace that made me feel safe and comfortable. Nobody was freaking out or panicking, and everyone seemed to understand my temporary catatonia.
“Caitlyn,” Athena said as she shook my arm a little, “I know that you love Eula, and she knew it better than anyone. She’s in heaven now, sweetheart, and I know she wanted you to feel free to let her go. She and I talked about it a lot, and she was really worried that you might want to hang on to her when she had already passed.”
I kissed Gran’s cooling cheek. “I’m not ready.”
“Honey, it was your gran’s wish that she be taken care of right away, so that you could start your grieving and healing. We have to take Eula. I have people from the funeral home here and they need to take her now.”
KP moved in beside Athena and squatted down in front of me. “I’m going to stay with you tonight. When the funeral home has done what they need to do, I’ll take you there.” His fingers squeezed mine. “Okay?”
I heard him and yet the words passed by in a blur. It wasn’t until he swept me up into his arms that I had any real awareness of what was going on around me. He held me tightly to his chest, and I watched the men lift Gran’s body off the couch and place her on a stretcher.
Athena approached us again. “When you’re ready, Gran wrote you a note. She gave it to me to give you after she passed. She knew you’d want one last way of hearing from her after she was gone, so she wrote this for you. She also recorded a message that I’ll email to you after you’ve read the letter. I wouldn’t read it right away. Wait until you’ve had some time for this to all process in your mind, okay, sweetie. I’ll be over tomorrow, and we can all go and see your grandma together.”
I nodded, still unable to speak.
“And you are staying with her tonight?” she confirmed with KP.
“Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll leave you two alone and see you both in the morning,” she said with a sad smile as she followed Gran’s body out the door.
KP didn’t put me down, just sat with me in his lap. He didn’t say anything, just stroked my hair and rocked me like a child. And that’s what I was. I was five years old again in my grandma’s arms crying uncontrollably. Then, I woke up in a daze, unaware of what had happened, but it was similar. They took two bodies away that time, both covered in sheets, I didn’t even know which one was which. Which one was the mother and which the murderer? The bottom dropped out of my heart and all there was left was Gran.
Now, that moment came crashing back to me. All of the loss, the fear, the pain came after me like a tidal wave. I was unable to withstand its onslaught. I started to cry, screaming with the force of the pain. And he held me, rocking me, stroking my hair while I shattered into pieces in his arms.
“It’s okay, let it out. Scream, cry, whatever you want, Caitlyn. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m sorry,” I said but couldn’t make the tremors and grief subside.
“I understand,” he said over and over again. When my tears had finally calmed, he held me in his strong arms. I knew it had to be past midnight and my whole body felt like I had been hit by a moving van. I didn’t want him to leave my side, I wanted him to continue to hold me and keep me safe from my grief.
“Are you sure you want to stay with me?” I asked quietly.
He kissed my forehead, my hair. “Of course, I’ll stay as long as you need me. You’re pretty tired. Let’s get you into bed.” His voice was soft and warm.
Fear pricked my psyche. “Don’t leave.”
“I won’t,” he assured me as he stood, carrying me like I was a child.
“Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?” I knew it was a lot to ask of him, and he was probably wishing that he hadn’t gotten himself into this mess.
“Of course.”
In my bedroom, he sat me on the bed and began pulling down the covers. “I’ll step out so you can change into pajamas.” He was so sweet and so different from the man I met at the diner.
“I’m more of a t-shirt kind of girl.”
He made a little noise — maybe a groan? — and left while I stripped down and pulled on a pair of jersey shorts and a t-shirt.
It surprised me when he came in wearing track pants and a t-shirt himself, then realized he must have gotten them from his driver. Sliding under the covers, I curled around him when he followed after turning off the lights. He made me feel protected from my fears and the unending sadness that threatened my sanity.
“Thank you so much for being here. Since we’ve met, it’s been like this weird dream, or nightmare, whatever. It’s really been a lot to think over. Thanks for not running away.”
He turned until my head was more firmly on his chest. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than right here, right now.”
I believed him.
I smiled into the dark room. “I like you now.”
“I like you too.” He swept the hair out of my eyes, which felt swollen and red.
I needed him closer, and tried hugging him tighter, and he turned until we were front to front. When I molded myself to him, I felt the hardness of his erection on my belly.
“I’m sorry,” he said, turning onto his back again. “I’m trying to will it away. Maybe it’s best if I stay on this side of the bed.”
I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to stay in his arms. And I wanted more. I wanted him to make me forget the sorrow of the day. I wanted him to make love to me until I couldn’t think.
When he tried to pull away, I held tighter, holding onto his shirt with my fists. “It’s okay. Don’t go.”
“Caitlyn, I… Shit. Honey.” He growled in frustration, and I stroked his arm. He barked out a laugh. “That’s not helping.”
I kept stroking his arm, his shoulder. My hand moved into his hair. “KP?”
“Yes.”